Women in your 30s/40s: what do you look for in a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“couple friends” - shudder. Bad memories of early 30s right there when people felt like that was a goal for established couples.

I feel like my friend group winds up defaulting to this a lot because having dinner with another couple is an easy way to maximize your night off from the kids (it’s a date night and socializing rolled into one!). But I get so tired of it because I’d much rather grab a drink with my girlfriend than sit through a three hour meal + coffee with her boring-ass husband. But sometimes it’s the only way to get people to socialize.

I love hanging out with my husband and my friends’ husbands are hilarious. I’m 50. We always have a great time.

I don’t really like the girl happy hour/girl trip stuff. It’s usually the bitter ones that hate their spouses and home life.

[Anonymous]

At this point - low drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point - low drama

+1

Low drama, not gossipy (did YOU know SHE did - fill in the blank with falsities here) or back stabby, not competitive about inappropriate things (like our kids); like to have fun, can talk about any topic from politics (whether or not we agree is fine) to social events, know how to laugh and enjoy life without hurting others. I have friends from each of the multiple stages in my life (schooling, jobs, etc), over 30+ years, and am so grateful. There is always an ear ready, and they know they have that in me. We know each other well, we truly support each other no matter what, and we have been there through life's multiple ups and downs. Neither side is needy, but we are definitely truly "there" for each other, and truly genuine and honest with each other. If you are worried about appearances, what people think, who supposedly did what, what brands to wear, bag to carry, etc. - don't waste my time. Life is short, life is to be embraced, and throughly savored and enjoyed with positive people. Not everything is sunny, and that is okay - but we know how to enjoy life and be grateful.

So much of the former (shallow) I have seen in this geographical area, and I kind of feel bad for people who are from here, who never left - like they might not know what a real friend is - but I digress. I have enough friends in this area, but they are more compartmentalized than my life long friends who know each other when (and are probably greater in number).

[Anonymous]

Someone with a boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone with a boat.

We moved in our 40s and had to make new friends. I was (and still am!) looking for a variety of types of friends in our new city:

- Activity buddies. I love doing outdoor things - kayaking, walking, hiking, etc - which my husband isn't into. So I am looking for friends who'll want to go out hiking with me, or whatever. Especially if they are reliable, no drama, let's make plans and then do the thing without it being a lot of bother. I want to hike, I want some friends to hike with. Ideally these can be travel buddies too.

- Girlfriends. Heart to heart kinds of friends. I don't need a lot of those - but it's nice to have a couple in the mix, who you feel like you can open up to.

- Couples friends. In the before COVID time, one of my favorite things was meeting people at a restaurant for dinner. It's something my husband and I both like doing, and we were always looking for people who'd be fun to talk to for a couple of hours over a meal. Bonus points for adventurous eaters.

- Neighborhood pals. Like PP said, I like proximity. So it's nice having friends in the neighborhood who you run into, or can easily get together with or whatever.

- People you can count on. The one you can call if your spouse is out of town and you have a migraine and need someone to get you Tylenol. The person who'll watch your dog for you - and you'll do the same for them. The one who asks you to be the one who'll take charge of their social media accounts if they (gd forbid) die. The person who'll invite you over for holidays if you're away from family.

- Old friends. These are people you stay in touch with even when you don't live in the same place. People who you aren't just getting to know, but who you can call after not talking to for a year and pick up like you'd been on the phone that whole time. People who know the real you - not just the pretty face you put on in public.

There's overlap among these categories. But at a (thank gd) low drama point in life, in my 40s, I think this is more or less my taxonomy of what I look for in friends now.

And of course in COVID times everyone is just a text/phone/FB friend - though I am seeing some activity buddies for paddle boarding and walks, still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone with a boat.

Nah. My friends with beach houses and/or boats are totally onto this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Someone to have fun with, who share a similar life stage and can relate to the same struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point - low drama

Agree 100%. I'm in my early 40s and am not looking for friends who are posting all their business on social media, gossiping about other families, cutthroat about kids' sports and academics, starting shit over relationships, etc. We don't have to agree on everything, but if we can have an easy conversation over drinks or while hanging out at the pool in summer, then I'm happy. And yes, it's important to have friends you can call when one of your own parents gets an awful medical diagnosis, or you had a dental emergency and need someone to meet your kid at the bus stop, or you're just looking to vent about something that happened.