Grieving after a loss of immediate family member

[Anonymous]

Immediately. My dad died a couple of months ago. Unfortunately he had been in a slow decline from a neurological disease for a couple of years so I had mourned him already in some ways. Plus, my job means I'm exposed to death and you build up a coping mechanism I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having lost my parents, it helped me to have this mindset: THEY would not want me to suffer. To have me hurting is the last thing they would want for me. I can honor them by getting through this. They loved me so much. They always wanted good things for me and I know they would want that to be their legacy.

This is a beautiful post.

[Anonymous]

I went back to work in 3 weeks, but it took me some time to get back to normal. My mom died in her 50s, so she was fairly young. She let us know that she did not want us to mourn her for an extended time period but her death still hit me much harder than expected. But their really is no timeline for grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not Jewish - but a good friend lost her dad about a year before I lost my dad. I watched her go through the traditions - the immediate period from death to burial, sitting Shiva, the 30 day reflective period, prayers daily for a year, the headstone a year after and a candle annually.

As I went through processing my grief, I used these milestones to help me along.

We as a family created some fun traditions - we have a gift from my dad to each of the kids under the Christmas Tree. This is fun as we try and capture his personality with this gift. We also did the Relay for Life as a family the year after he passed - my mom was there all night!

How ever long it takes - is the right answer. And during this period, everything is harder. I hope you or who ever is grieving finds a way through that works for them

Jews do do a good job with mourning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having lost my parents, it helped me to have this mindset: THEY would not want me to suffer. To have me hurting is the last thing they would want for me. I can honor them by getting through this. They loved me so much. They always wanted good things for me and I know they would want that to be their legacy.

This is a beautiful post.

+1 thank you

[Anonymous]

My father died two weeks and 2 days ago. I was able to stay with my mom until a week ago, and then I had to return to my husband and kids and return to life “as normal”. I have sad moments and sometimes wish I could take more time, but I have 3 young children in remote school, a job and a husband with an even busier job. I simply cannot spend weeks and months grieving. I’m just grateful I got to be there with my dad at the end, and especially for my mom.

[Anonymous]

I lost my sister extremely suddenly in a shocking manner, close to the holidays, and it was about 2 months before my brain even felt like it was working right. I'd have good days, and then I'd have days where I couldn't even concentrate and I'd get to the end of the day and literally have no memory of what happened that day. Getting showered/dressed/ready for the day sometimes would take 3x as long as normal, and I had absolutely no recollection of where the time went.

I honestly could only start processing my grief after that point, and I was in therapy and joined a grief group (structured for 10 weeks). The grief group helped a lot in terms of having a place to feel my feelings and not neglect grieving, but also being able to truly set it aside when i wasn't in the space to deal with it. It kept me moving through the process but also not in it 24/7.

I would say I felt mostly normal after about 6 months, but it never has stopped that I will sometimes randomly burst into tears when I think of her or something kind of eerie happens. Also if I'm under stress, I find myself stuffing my feelings, and then they will come out in a flood.

I am not much of a crier, or at least I always tried really hard to avoid it, and I learned the importance of letting the crying out when it comes and/or the next appropriate time. It is literally a physical release for your body and emotions and has major benefits to both. If i go too long without crying now (like a 6-8+), I know I am not tending to my emotions well and will try to create safe opportunities for myself to cry because it seems to clear up emotional stress quickly.

[Anonymous]

Lost my beloved DH in April. I’m nowhere near anything normal. I may never be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lost my beloved DH in April. I’m nowhere near anything normal. I may never be.

So sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 months.

+ 1

At 6 months I had this feeling "enough is enough now, move forward"

and this was a shock death, sudden and unexpected cardiac arrest in an otherwise very healthy person.

[Anonymous]

When I lost my mom I had to get back to normal pretty quickly b/c I had an infant, a toddler, a husband with severe health issues, and a demanding job. I was functioning at a surface level, my work definitely suffered, and the stress caused me to shed so much weight that I became skeletal.

About 6 months later, I remember experiencing moments of joy while spending time with my kids at the beach. I had pangs of guilt, but talked myself out of that feeling, akin to what a pp said, that my parent would not want me to suffer. I was determined to seize joy whenever and wherever I could. That mindset helped me climb out of a deep funk.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I lost my brother when I was in my 20s. We didn’t live in the same house, and it would have been normal not to see him often. I would say the first month was literally minute bu minute. I would still cry in the shower or alone in my car for months and maybe even years later. It’s been 20 years, and just the other day I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of him and made me cry, but not a full out bawling more of an accepted, I miss him so much cry vs the literal gutting it was in the beginning. It does get easier, but it’s always hard, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lost my beloved DH in April. I’m nowhere near anything normal. I may never be.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my sister extremely suddenly in a shocking manner, close to the holidays, and it was about 2 months before my brain even felt like it was working right. I'd have good days, and then I'd have days where I couldn't even concentrate and I'd get to the end of the day and literally have no memory of what happened that day. Getting showered/dressed/ready for the day sometimes would take 3x as long as normal, and I had absolutely no recollection of where the time went.

I honestly could only start processing my grief after that point, and I was in therapy and joined a grief group (structured for 10 weeks). The grief group helped a lot in terms of having a place to feel my feelings and not neglect grieving, but also being able to truly set it aside when i wasn't in the space to deal with it. It kept me moving through the process but also not in it 24/7.

I would say I felt mostly normal after about 6 months, but it never has stopped that I will sometimes randomly burst into tears when I think of her or something kind of eerie happens. Also if I'm under stress, I find myself stuffing my feelings, and then they will come out in a flood.

I am not much of a crier, or at least I always tried really hard to avoid it, and I learned the importance of letting the crying out when it comes and/or the next appropriate time. It is literally a physical release for your body and emotions and has major benefits to both. If i go too long without crying now (like a 6-8+), I know I am not tending to my emotions well and will try to create safe opportunities for myself to cry because it seems to clear up emotional stress quickly.

I'm sorry for your loss. Similar to your joyful moment at the beach. I remember sitting in my livingroom a while after my loss and thinking something random about our houseplants. It occured to me that this was a break in my grief and if there was one moment of relief, more were possinle.

[Anonymous]

My brother died by suicide 11 years ago. He was my best friend. There are still times when out of nowhere I will double or an abject pain, unable to breeze, because it hit me like a freight train but I have forgotten it for a couple of hours and then I remember.