Behavioral problems with ~3 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know if you are doing everything because you don't have a dx.

You are asking the wrong people if it would make a difference.

You are struggling to parent your child as he is now, with the non-typical struggles that he has. You need more information in order to make choices in how to proceed.

Put a fence around your yard. Forget about time out completely, that is not a discipline method that will work.

You, your ds and your family need real help. Getting a dx is step 1. I don't know if your ds has autism and I am not saying he does. I am saying that you need more information.

+1 I agree with this op (I’m the poster that just recommended a therapist to get you beyond time out). Punishments etc are not likely to be a good approach here (honestly they aren’t that effective with typically developing 3 year olds even). I’m not saying this is because you are doing something wrong - I’m sure you are trying so many different things, but maybe someone can help with more tools.

Agree so much! You are not doing anything wrong, OP. It would just get you more tools in your toolbox.

[Anonymous]

OP - I would absolutely encourage you to discuss these issues with your doctor and to get whatever interventions are offered.

That said, we also had a very, very tough 3 year old. Hitting, tantrums, screaming fits. Constant. NEVER stopped. Super picky about food. No to everything. Constantly in trouble. No punishments worked. Positive reinforcement was a joke. The only thing that helped at all - and the difference was not extreme, it just helped - was tons and tons of exercise and basically 24/7 one-on-one "special time," which was impossible to do as we also had an infant and the work-from-home situation due to covid.

Our terror turned 4 a few months ago and things finally started to get better. When he was able to go to preschool three weeks ago, things improved a lot. He still has his moments, and we probably get one or two tantrums a day (usually at bedtime) but he's speaking more - in full sentences using a pretty advanced vocabulary - has stopped hitting, plays happily by himself for hours, and just behaves way, way better. He will even sit still for story time, which he had never done, not even as a 1 yo. He's still a pill with his younger brother, but even there, we've seen signs of tenderness that bode well for the future.

I think the combination of age + covid shutdowns really did a number on him. Developmentally, the 2-4 year old crowd just has needs that have been really hard to address under these conditions. So, a kid who is "tough" in a good year is just horrible now. Thankfully, ours appears to be growing out of it. I hope yours does too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know if you are doing everything because you don't have a dx.

You are asking the wrong people if it would make a difference.

You are struggling to parent your child as he is now, with the non-typical struggles that he has. You need more information in order to make choices in how to proceed.

Put a fence around your yard. Forget about time out completely, that is not a discipline method that will work.

You, your ds and your family need real help. Getting a dx is step 1. I don't know if your ds has autism and I am not saying he does. I am saying that you need more information.

+1 I agree with this op (I’m the poster that just recommended a therapist to get you beyond time out). Punishments etc are not likely to be a good approach here (honestly they aren’t that effective with typically developing 3 year olds even). I’m not saying this is because you are doing something wrong - I’m sure you are trying so many different things, but maybe someone can help with more tools.

The running away outside our yard thing was just an example. There's a million things like that, and you can't prevent all of them (e.g., should I stop bringing him to the playground because he'll run away?).

FWIW, pretty much everyone has always told us to focus on redirection. That just doesn't work on him. He's incredibly stubborn and persistent, which I sort of love about him, but it is quite challenging right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op have you considered working in a therapist specializing in early childhood mental health? An LCSW (clinical social worker) or psychologist that could work with you on tools to respond to him. I know you said the OT and speech are helping with that but honestly that’s not really their specialty. I’m sorry, it sounds really hard. It might be helpful to work with a regular therapist for tools besides time out etc. I can’t say it will solve anything but gives you someone to run ideas by and try to get some feedback. Make sure they are really trained in this early age.

How would I go about finding someone like that? I'm guessing most of those people usually work with older kids, not <3 year olds. No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(splitting off from: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/915408.page)

I have a child who is almost 3 who is an incredible challenge. Everything is a (losing) battle with him. While he scores high on the autism screen questionnaires at the pediatrician's office, he's very social so they assume it's more sensory-based rather than ASD. We've been enrolled in early intervention and speech/occupational therapy for a year now, but we're certainly not seeing dramatic improvements, particularly around behavior. He's mostly non-verbal, although he speaks enough that I'm pretty sure he understands a lot of what we say.

What caught my attention in the other thread was the OP saying they have to scream to get their kid to react. That's our situation as well. Talking to him about dangers and consequences up-front doesn't help. Putting him in time-outs (which, we have to do with him, because if we don't hold him down he'll run away) doesn't help. Redirecting him to other activities doesn't help. That is, if we move him from climbing on furniture to climbing on a real climbing apparatus, he goes right back to the furniture.

Roughly speaking, rewards don't work for him, because everything he likes to do is bad. Taking him away from activities doesn't help either (e.g., bringing him inside if he runs outside our yard) because he doesn't seem to mind- he just finds new trouble to get in.

Even basic tasks, like brushing teeth, are a challenge. We've tried every strategy we and the therapists can come up with. Different tooth brushes. Different tooth paste. Songs. Books. Posters. Nothing helps. Everyone has always told us that it is important to follow through with tooth-brushing, so we do. But it's getting harder and harder as he gets older. It now takes two of us to hold him down, force open his mouth, and brush his teeth. Everyone we've talked to has always said if you just keep it up, he'll get used to it, but that absolutely isn't happening.

What do you mean by this? Doesn't he like screentime? A little screentime is a reward that works for lots of kids.

[Anonymous]

For one of my children, we only went to playgrounds that were fenced for several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(splitting off from: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/915408.page)

I have a child who is almost 3 who is an incredible challenge. Everything is a (losing) battle with him. While he scores high on the autism screen questionnaires at the pediatrician's office, he's very social so they assume it's more sensory-based rather than ASD. We've been enrolled in early intervention and speech/occupational therapy for a year now, but we're certainly not seeing dramatic improvements, particularly around behavior. He's mostly non-verbal, although he speaks enough that I'm pretty sure he understands a lot of what we say.

What caught my attention in the other thread was the OP saying they have to scream to get their kid to react. That's our situation as well. Talking to him about dangers and consequences up-front doesn't help. Putting him in time-outs (which, we have to do with him, because if we don't hold him down he'll run away) doesn't help. Redirecting him to other activities doesn't help. That is, if we move him from climbing on furniture to climbing on a real climbing apparatus, he goes right back to the furniture.

Roughly speaking, rewards don't work for him, because everything he likes to do is bad. Taking him away from activities doesn't help either (e.g., bringing him inside if he runs outside our yard) because he doesn't seem to mind- he just finds new trouble to get in.

Even basic tasks, like brushing teeth, are a challenge. We've tried every strategy we and the therapists can come up with. Different tooth brushes. Different tooth paste. Songs. Books. Posters. Nothing helps. Everyone has always told us that it is important to follow through with tooth-brushing, so we do. But it's getting harder and harder as he gets older. It now takes two of us to hold him down, force open his mouth, and brush his teeth. Everyone we've talked to has always said if you just keep it up, he'll get used to it, but that absolutely isn't happening.

What do you mean by this? Doesn't he like screentime? A little screentime is a reward that works for lots of kids.

Nope, he doesn't. His twin brother loves it, but he's indifferent to screens. He'd much rather look at books. But I'm not going to try withholding books from him. And trying to use a "favorite" book as a reward doesn't work either, since he just gets fixated on a different book then.

On a similar note, he won't eat junk food.

He certainly has his problems, but I also have to admit he's a better person than me in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For one of my children, we only went to playgrounds that were fenced for several years.

He learned to climb over 4 ft chain-link fences right about the time he turned 2. He is sufficiently slow at doing that, though.

We definitely like going to fenced-in playgrounds, but there aren't a lot of them around. Mostly just the schools.

[Anonymous]

DP, wanted to again highlighting ABA therapy as a specific type of intervention for children with Autism if her is on the spectrum. Get an evaluation at a specialty clinic at either Kennedy Krieger or Children's. Also, he does qualify for more home-based services with the diagnosis. Yes, therapists work with children of all ages. They might spend some time at 3 with him, but do more parenting work with you. All of the questions you have here would be answered. I'd recommend going for a child psychologist. If you go the Krieger or CNMC route, they have therapists there too.

[Anonymous]

if your child does not talk at 3, you run, don't walk, to a dev ped. He is seriously delayed and this is not a "behavioral" issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op have you considered working in a therapist specializing in early childhood mental health? An LCSW (clinical social worker) or psychologist that could work with you on tools to respond to him. I know you said the OT and speech are helping with that but honestly that’s not really their specialty. I’m sorry, it sounds really hard. It might be helpful to work with a regular therapist for tools besides time out etc. I can’t say it will solve anything but gives you someone to run ideas by and try to get some feedback. Make sure they are really trained in this early age.

How would I go about finding someone like that? I'm guessing most of those people usually work with older kids, not <3 year olds. No?

Many do, but there are certainly people that focus on the younger age groups. I would start by posting in the special needs group your location, needs, and see if you get recommendations. I also might look for someone who is trained in parent-child interactive therapy. It might be a good fit. Here is some info on it being provided in Arlington for example: https://family.arlingtonva.us/parent-child-interactive-therapy-pcit/. I'll try to see if I can find more ways to locate a therapist trained in it later, but google is honestly the best place to start.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents used the “what else could they do?” line to avoid my sister getting her dx until high school. She would tell you that [she] always had the challenges; it would have been nice to have the help. Call the developmental pediatrician today.

[Anonymous]

pp here also try this op: http://www.pcit.org/certified-therapists.html

[Anonymous]

OP, there are countless things you could do, that we have done.
1. get a speech eval immediately. It is time for intense speech help. This is urgent. Some windows close.
2. get OT eval and get help with regulatory skills.
3. see a dev ped and get physical causes ruled out. evaluate diet, etc.
4. get behavorial support. It does not need to be autism to need or get this.
5. get parenting help. You can't use normal parenting techniques in this scenario. You may also need sibling help. Get it. It is essential for quality of life.


If there are serious issues, later there are many many more interventions you can and should do. But this whole, labels are needless shtick is ridiclous and counterproductive and preventing you from acting like a responsible adult here.

Finally, post in special needs. Your three year old is almost non verbal. He has special needs. Denial is getting you nowhere, Fast,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are countless things you could do, that we have done.
1. get a speech eval immediately. It is time for intense speech help. This is urgent. Some windows close.
2. get OT eval and get help with regulatory skills.
3. see a dev ped and get physical causes ruled out. evaluate diet, etc.
4. get behavorial support. It does not need to be autism to need or get this.
5. get parenting help. You can't use normal parenting techniques in this scenario. You may also need sibling help. Get it. It is essential for quality of life.


If there are serious issues, later there are many many more interventions you can and should do. But this whole, labels are needless shtick is ridiclous and counterproductive and preventing you from acting like a responsible adult here.

Finally, post in special needs. Your three year old is almost non verbal. He has special needs. Denial is getting you nowhere, Fast,

BTW - the above is meant to indicate private, supplemental from county services speech and OT. Those are often simply nowhere near sufficient.