Husband relapsed, we have a 2 month old
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Anonymous
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Also, Al-anon can be incredibly helpful and supportive for YOU. It is absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausting supporting a partner through addiction and mental health issues.
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Anonymous
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This is OP. Thank you all for responding. I really needed to hear some support.
I know relapse is often a part of recovery and nothing to be ashamed of. Harder to convince him of that. So far husband has had emergency visit with his therapist, is scheduled with a new psychiatrist, and is talking with his grad program about taking a medical leave of absence. I moved my next therapy appointment to next week instead of late October. He has done AA in the past but is basically such a misanthrope that groups are hard for him. He needs to call his sponsor but I know his is feeling too ashamed. This year has just really sucked. October holds his mom’s birthday, his sobriety anniversary and his birthday. We’re supposed to have his daughter from a previous marriage for his birthday but because she lives several states away + covid + fresh baby we aren’t going to be able to manage to get her for just a weekend. Thank you again. A lot of parts of DCUM are really toxic but I find that for people experiencing real problems there can be real support here. |
Anonymous
| I've been there and I'm sorry. Big, virtual hug. You will do whatever you need to do for your baby. |
Anonymous
This is OP. I guess I’ve never felt like I qualified for Al-Anon since he hadn’t been actively drinking? I also grew up in a family of alcoholics and my brother is 50 days sober right now. Maybe I have a lot to share in Al anon. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately, he doesn't have to be actively drinking to still be an alocoholic/addict. Al-Anon helps with coping mechanisms, working through co-dependency issues, and is overall a great, supportive, understanding, judgement free community. My mom has been going for over 40 hours and worked through her dad's alcoholism, my dad (her ex husband) bouts of binge drinking, and her sister's prescription pill addiction. |
Anonymous
| I’m so sorry, OP. My DH had PPD after our 2nd baby and suicidal ideation. No substance issues so I realize that add a layer to your complexity. The best thing for us was the baby getting older so sleeping through the night. My DH NEEDS sleep and I was largely making him do the hard work at night. We needed to change that up. Also, therapy, meds check, etc. I wish we were friends in real life because i know it is so hard to talk to others about this. |
Anonymous
There are virtual meetings now too. Find an Al-anon meeting group, and see what it’s like, you won’t know unless you try. Also, start asking for help from the people in your life. It’s tough to ask for help. I know, I’ve been there too. I try to remind myself what’s it’s like to be on the other side. I want to help my friends and family, but I cannot always anticipate their needs. |
Anonymous
I have been you, with slight variations. We didn't know my husband was an alcoholic. When our child was 9 months old, my husband went out to an event in the afternoon and essentially disappeared--he had drunk enough to be in a blackout, although he was not unconscious. I had to locate him and go pick him up with our infant in the car. It was one of the worst hours of my life by a long shot, and it was only the beginning. (It has a happy ending, as of today. But it was bad for a long time.) Anyway, I get it. My husband also had pretty serious depression and was being treated for it at the time. I don't think framing your husband's current situation primarily as "paternal PPD" is going to be helpful. He has a lot going on, including pre-existing depression, grieving a serious loss and being pretty early in recovery and having a relapse. You are right not to put this on Relationships because some buffoon there will want to quiz you about why you had a baby in the middle of all of that--we all know it's not that simple. You definitely can and should go to Al-Anon (and you can do it on Zoom now!) and you should try to avoid overfunctioning for your husband in the long term, but suicidal ideation is a big deal and not something you should let go. He needs to see a psychiatrist and satisfy you that he has divulged all of this. He probably needs meds adjusted. He can also go to AA on Zoom; being a "misanthrope" is an addiction thing, not a personality thing, and it's not a good reason not to go. But he may need more treatment than that. If you're in DC/MD, Kolmac has a good intensive outpatient program. You have to have someone you can talk to about this. You can't be his secret-keeper. You can try this out at Al-Anon, but ultimately you will realize you're not really helping him or you or the situation by keeping this secret from friends and family. If you guys reach the conclusion that residential treatment is needed, I agree that Caron is great--it is where my husband went for addiction treatment--but Breakthrough, or any 5-day program, is not a good choice for this and they won't enroll him in it. TBH I can see a strong argument for residential treatment here from your POV; it will be far easier for you to manage an infant by yourself than it will be to manage an infant, cover up this situation/pretend things are normal, and be the person responsible for monitoring your husband's suicidal ideation. It sucks. Don't volunteer for it. If you are in the DC metro area, say so and I'll set up a fake email account you can hit up if you are open to a total stranger taking care of the baby so you can get shower and nap. FWIW I found a baby carrier super-helpful, specifically around this issue--there were many times when it was either more convenient or much safer for me to have the kid strapped to me than it was to leave him anywhere in our home. It doesn't work for showering or napping, unfortunately. Hang in there--you can do this. Do you have to go outside the house to work soon? |
Anonymous
| OP, how are you doing? |