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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]TW: suicidal ideation

I think this belongs in postpartum moms, not relationship discussion, because I think he’s struggling with paternal PPD.

My husband has really been struggling with depression since the birth of our son. He has a history of depression. Also his mom passed away suddenly in April. He’s been sober for almost 2 years. Last night he went out and bought a case of beer and drank it all. I didn’t know because he was sleeping in the basement, (I thought) to get a good night’s rest after a rough night with baby. This morning I went to wake him up and the basement smelled like beer, cans everywhere. He was still drunk and in the midst of our long talk he admitted he’s been fantasizing about suicide since his mom died. He’s sleeping it off now.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so sad and lonely and like I can’t talk to any of my friends or family because they know he was sober and I don’t want them to know he relapsed. I just wish I could have someone come hold the baby so I can take a shower and a nap. I feel like I could deal with this better after a shower and a nap. [/quote]

I have been you, with slight variations. We didn't know my husband was an alcoholic. When our child was 9 months old, my husband went out to an event in the afternoon and essentially disappeared--he had drunk enough to be in a blackout, although he was not unconscious. I had to locate him and go pick him up with our infant in the car. It was one of the worst hours of my life by a long shot, and it was only the beginning. (It has a happy ending, as of today. But it was bad for a long time.)

Anyway, I get it. My husband also had pretty serious depression and was being treated for it at the time. I don't think framing your husband's current situation primarily as "paternal PPD" is going to be helpful. He has a lot going on, including pre-existing depression, grieving a serious loss and being pretty early in recovery and having a relapse. You are right not to put this on Relationships because some buffoon there will want to quiz you about why you had a baby in the middle of all of that--we all know it's not that simple.

You definitely can and should go to Al-Anon (and you can do it on Zoom now!) and you should try to avoid overfunctioning for your husband in the long term, but suicidal ideation is a big deal and not something you should let go. He needs to see a psychiatrist and satisfy you that he has divulged all of this. He probably needs meds adjusted. He can also go to AA on Zoom; being a "misanthrope" is an addiction thing, not a personality thing, and it's not a good reason not to go. But he may need more treatment than that. If you're in DC/MD, Kolmac has a good intensive outpatient program.

You have to have someone you can talk to about this. You can't be his secret-keeper. You can try this out at Al-Anon, but ultimately you will realize you're not really helping him or you or the situation by keeping this secret from friends and family.

If you guys reach the conclusion that residential treatment is needed, I agree that Caron is great--it is where my husband went for addiction treatment--but Breakthrough, or any 5-day program, is not a good choice for this and they won't enroll him in it. TBH I can see a strong argument for residential treatment here from your POV; it will be far easier for you to manage an infant by yourself than it will be to manage an infant, cover up this situation/pretend things are normal, and be the person responsible for monitoring your husband's suicidal ideation. It sucks. Don't volunteer for it.

If you are in the DC metro area, say so and I'll set up a fake email account you can hit up if you are open to a total stranger taking care of the baby so you can get shower and nap.

FWIW I found a baby carrier super-helpful, specifically around this issue--there were many times when it was either more convenient or much safer for me to have the kid strapped to me than it was to leave him anywhere in our home. It doesn't work for showering or napping, unfortunately.

Hang in there--you can do this. Do you have to go outside the house to work soon?[/quote]

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