Parents of grown/older kids - lessons learned on organized activities?

[Anonymous]

Different things are right for different kids.
My son was not interested in any organized activities. He would come home from school and shoot baskets in the driveway and if some kids came by and asked to play he'd say yes. Maybe they'd play roller hockey in the street. He liked to play instruments and cook. He's a doctor now, has friends, a girlfriend, and gets along with everyone.
My daughter wanted to do every single organized activity and cried when I made her choose due to scheduling conflicts. Total social butterfly. She's a lawyer now, has friends, a boyfriend, and gets along with everyone.

[Anonymous]

It just depends on the kid. As a kid I did competitive dance, and by the time I was in middle school was dancing almost every day of the week after school for 3-4 hours. I LOVED it. I didn’t care that I was missing out on other things. Other kids wouldn’t be okay with that. My kids are only 7 and 4. DS does baseball in the spring and soccer and baseball in the fall. DD does gymnastics year round and soccer in the fall. We have thrown some swimming lessons in there in the winter when not much else is going on. They have plenty of time for play dates and birthday parties as of right now. If they end up becoming more serious about their activities that’s fine, and if not that’s okay too. I can’t compare what other people have chosen for their family because they aren’t raising my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we insisted on group activities for all three kids. Here is what we didn’t want: unhealthy, screen-addicted gamers.

They could choose but not quit until the season, class or semester was over and they all knew this going into the activity. One loved sports while the other two hated sports and loved theater. All were encouraged.

All three had to do volunteer work and learn to read music with no exception.

They are all happy, well adjusted young adults and late teen now. All very good students.

Yikes. Pushy much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different things are right for different kids.
My son was not interested in any organized activities. He would come home from school and shoot baskets in the driveway and if some kids came by and asked to play he'd say yes. Maybe they'd play roller hockey in the street. He liked to play instruments and cook. He's a doctor now, has friends, a girlfriend, and gets along with everyone.
My daughter wanted to do every single organized activity and cried when I made her choose due to scheduling conflicts. Total social butterfly. She's a lawyer now, has friends, a boyfriend, and gets along with everyone.

OP here. Thanks so much to everyone for their thoughts. I really connected with this one in particular because it sounds like my son. He’d just really rather not do organized activities - he doesn’t like being scheduled and wants to use his free tome how he wants to. He usually uses it building something, bike riding, playing with a friend, or playing a board game. He’s happiest when he has a full weekend day to be outside, usually tinkering around with wood and tools. He gets really annoyed when he’s doing that and we have to leave for an organized activity, for example, so I’ve never had him to do anything on weekends in particular. He has no interest in ball sports whatsoever.

I do want to push back a little on the poster who said she doesn’t want screen addicted kids. I don’t think it’s either/or. My kids only watch tv/use screens other than virtual school on Sundays. That’s long been our rule and other than the occasional family movie night, it’s not something they ask for. Even without organized activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we insisted on group activities for all three kids. Here is what we didn’t want: unhealthy, screen-addicted gamers.

They could choose but not quit until the season, class or semester was over and they all knew this going into the activity. One loved sports while the other two hated sports and loved theater. All were encouraged.

All three had to do volunteer work and learn to read music with no exception.

They are all happy, well adjusted young adults and late teen now. All very good students.

Yikes. Pushy much.

I actually like her approach. Way too many dead-eyed screen addicted teens and way too many quitters.

[Anonymous]

My only rule is that if they sign up for something, they have to stick with it until a natural break point (end of session, end of season, etc). No quitting halfway through and leaving the rest of your team in a lurch.

We generally have Scouts (low commitment, 1 hr/week for the kids, a bit more for me as a volunteer parent leader) and 1 sport at a time - no more than 2 a year per kid, they get to choose what. Instrument through school starting in 4th grade if they want to. An art class or other activity falls between sports seasons - one of my kids took an 8-week pottery course, that was a lot of fun.

If they choose not to do organized sports, that's fine. I want them to stay active and outside, so we'd probably increase our family hiking / skiing / camping / kayaking / etc kinds of activities. There are other ways to get the 'teamwork' aspect of organized sports.

[Anonymous]

My child is a teen - here is what I learned -

pick something that is easy for you to get to, that you will enjoy going to and your child can participate in for a while

focus on one activity and then do a couple others for variety

for the focus activity, get your child private coaching when they are young so they get the fundamentals and are one of the "good players" - better for their experience and they will enjoy it more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we insisted on group activities for all three kids. Here is what we didn’t want: unhealthy, screen-addicted gamers.

They could choose but not quit until the season, class or semester was over and they all knew this going into the activity. One loved sports while the other two hated sports and loved theater. All were encouraged.

All three had to do volunteer work and learn to read music with no exception.

They are all happy, well adjusted young adults and late teen now. All very good students.

Yikes. Pushy much.

I actually like her approach. Way too many dead-eyed screen addicted teens and way too many quitters.

I like the approach too, and it’s very similar to our family rules. We have a musical instrument and sport requirement per season, plus church attendance (which provides some community service opportunities). We exposed our kids to a lot of rec sports at a young age to see what clicked. For my oldest (a daughter), athletics never clicked, but dance did. When she got older she was able to specialize and is now a serious ballerina. As long as it’s physical movement, I’m satisfied!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we insisted on group activities for all three kids. Here is what we didn’t want: unhealthy, screen-addicted gamers.

They could choose but not quit until the season, class or semester was over and they all knew this going into the activity. One loved sports while the other two hated sports and loved theater. All were encouraged.

All three had to do volunteer work and learn to read music with no exception.

They are all happy, well adjusted young adults and late teen now. All very good students.

Yikes. Pushy much.

I actually like her approach. Way too many dead-eyed screen addicted teens and way too many quitters.

I like the approach too, and it’s very similar to our family rules. We have a musical instrument and sport requirement per season, plus church attendance (which provides some community service opportunities). We exposed our kids to a lot of rec sports at a young age to see what clicked. For my oldest (a daughter), athletics never clicked, but dance did. When she got older she was able to specialize and is now a serious ballerina. As long as it’s physical movement, I’m satisfied!

I like this approach too. My nephews are both overweight and screen-addicted from my sister being “go with whatever they want to do”. Just like I wouldn’t let my kid decide not to go to school in the fourth grade, I’m not letting him drop out of group activities or sports in favor of sitting home on the iPad.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids. Oldest hated activities. I tried lots of things, but nothing clicked. He's grown, works full time, is such a nice man, would do anything for anyone. I am glad that I tried things for him, but also glad to have let him be.

My second was in a very time consuming activity. He liked it, but wasn't serious about it - which is fine. Having fun is certainly a fine goal. And, my third was in a very competitive activity that required 18 hours of practice a week and so much money. By the end of middle school, due to injury, she had to leave and she is much happier in her school based activities.

I think that it was great that my two younger kids learned to work hard. But apparently so did my oldest without activities. I don't regret what we did and I don't think any of it was necessary. It's sort of a privilege thing - only people who can afford it can have their kids in activities.

One thing I wills say is that because of activities, we rarely had time for family dinners. It's ok because we found ways to connect and spend time together. All of us have lots of common interests. But, we don't have that daily connection that family dinner brings. OTOH, I do feel like I introduced my kids to the idea that you have to work to find ways to enjoy your free time and I introduced them to things I hope bring them peace and satisfaction in their lives - like different religions, yoga, weight lifting, sewing, and so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we insisted on group activities for all three kids. Here is what we didn’t want: unhealthy, screen-addicted gamers.

They could choose but not quit until the season, class or semester was over and they all knew this going into the activity. One loved sports while the other two hated sports and loved theater. All were encouraged.

All three had to do volunteer work and learn to read music with no exception.

They are all happy, well adjusted young adults and late teen now. All very good students.

Yikes. Pushy much.

I actually like her approach. Way too many dead-eyed screen addicted teens and way too many quitters.

This is a recipe for perfectionist anxiety. But as long as larla is “impressive!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we insisted on group activities for all three kids. Here is what we didn’t want: unhealthy, screen-addicted gamers.

They could choose but not quit until the season, class or semester was over and they all knew this going into the activity. One loved sports while the other two hated sports and loved theater. All were encouraged.

All three had to do volunteer work and learn to read music with no exception.

They are all happy, well adjusted young adults and late teen now. All very good students.

Yikes. Pushy much.

I actually like her approach. Way too many dead-eyed screen addicted teens and way too many quitters.

I like the approach too, and it’s very similar to our family rules. We have a musical instrument and sport requirement per season, plus church attendance (which provides some community service opportunities). We exposed our kids to a lot of rec sports at a young age to see what clicked. For my oldest (a daughter), athletics never clicked, but dance did. When she got older she was able to specialize and is now a serious ballerina. As long as it’s physical movement, I’m satisfied!

I like this approach too. My nephews are both overweight and screen-addicted from my sister being “go with whatever they want to do”. Just like I wouldn’t let my kid decide not to go to school in the fourth grade, I’m not letting him drop out of group activities or sports in favor of sitting home on the iPad.

I can’t read any music and I’ve never landed a ball in a hoop and I’m a fit adult. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

We do group activities if our kids ask. The only activities that we have done long term and that we insist on is music lessons (kids could pick whatever instrument they wanted, both chose piano), and swimming (they decided to be competitive but we just said they had to know all 4 strokes and be strong swimmers).

[Anonymous]

For those of you who require a certain number/mins of activities, what would you or did you do if you had a child that seriously pushed back on your requirements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who require a certain number/mins of activities, what would you or did you do if you had a child that seriously pushed back on your requirements?

I'd let them quit and find something else they did enjoy. We aren't trying to develop olympic athletes or concert pianists, just well-rounded kids who are enjoying learning something.