Parents of grown/older kids - lessons learned on organized activities?

[Anonymous]

My kids are only in 1, maybe 2 activities at any time, so really very little compared to any of their friends. They really fight me on anything they're not completely in love with, which I guess makes sense. But I have this 80s/90s kid thinking that you really should be in scheduled activities - to keep busy, to get exercise, to learn how to work as a team, to get exposure to things to do in the world, etc. I'm tired of fighting with them about it though, and it seems to be counterproductive. What are you thoughts about activities and how much to push a kid to do them versus let it be child-led? I'd especially like to hear from parents of older or grown kids how it worked out ultimately.

I also say this as someone who wishes my parents had forced me to continue to play my instrument and not let me quit in middle school lol so maybe biased?

[Anonymous]

Why do you wish your parents had forged you to keep playing your instrument? Did you ever take it up again in college or as an adult?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Kids are 11 and 13. And yes! I actually did start playing again as an adult. Thanks for any thoughts!

[Anonymous]

What activities?

[Anonymous]

At one point we had our son in a ton of activities because he had developmental delays and we were trying to see what worked for him. We burned out after a while.

We prefer sticking to what our children are good at and love, plus the native language school, which is non-negotiable. So last year, as tweens and teens, my kids had their native language school on the weekend, as well as choir, private instrumental lessons, orchestra, and horseback-riding. This year they've abandoned choir, because they were so frustrated last spring with the online version. The rest still holds.

One really important point to consider, post-pandemic, is logistics. We aren't far from Strathmore, where the kids had their music activities for many years, so that was really convenient, and I added gymnastics at Dynamite gym for a couple of years, since the two are really close and I could drop off and pick-up easily. They're not interested in gym anymore. The horseback riding is on Sunday afternoons, and it makes for a nice drive into the countryside

[Anonymous]

I have a rule of thumb which I am not sure I "push" more than to encourage.

In order of importance:
Family, Academics, Community, Sports and Arts

We need family time first, then time to ensure school work can be completed, then enough time to do one community activity every quarter, then they need to get at least an hour of movement daily, and finally pick something that is related to cooking/music/drawing/creative building or design. To me, that makes a complete person.

[Anonymous]

Let the kids decide.

This will not be popular but travel teams before middle school definitely not necessary. Rec is fine. Boys in particular have major growth spurts later and there are plenty of players that start later.

Try not to over schedule

Just because an activity costs a lot does not mean the people running it are awesome. We have done plenty of county or city activities that cost so much less and were awesome.

I’m not a fan of ballet. That doesn’t mean it’s not right for your family.

[Anonymous]

17:51 again. Ah, the dreaded instrumental practice. My daughter has a love-hate relationship with her instrument. What keeps her going are the rewards associated with it, namely and most importantly, trying to be concertmaster of her orchestra, but also trying to win competitions and playing solos. If she's not working towards that kind of goal, practice has no meaning for her. I do my best to motivate her by investing in quality instruments, buying her little accessories for her music, and listening to and commenting on her daily practice so she doesn't feel like she's working alone. When she's working extra hard for an audition or recital, I buy her a treat.

But adolescents can be really pig-headed, so who knows how long that's going to last?

[Anonymous]

Honestly - I think it's way more important for kids to play and hang out with other kids than participate in organized activities. Help them find a few things they love to do. Let them explore - don't make them stick with piano or baseball if they hate it, but encourage them to find things they enjoy doing.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we insisted on group activities for all three kids. Here is what we didn’t want: unhealthy, screen-addicted gamers.

They could choose but not quit until the season, class or semester was over and they all knew this going into the activity. One loved sports while the other two hated sports and loved theater. All were encouraged.

All three had to do volunteer work and learn to read music with no exception.

They are all happy, well adjusted young adults and late teen now. All very good students.

[Anonymous]

OP, you aren't going to be able to mold their outcome base on on your efforts.

I have 2 grown kids. Re: the instrument, I think I applied equal pressure on both of kids to continue piano. One quit after 2 years. One took for 9 years. Then changed to a wind instrument. That put her in Beginning Orchestra in MS. She rose 3 levels to Symphonic Orchestra by the next year (guessing due to her extensive musical/piano training). She then transitioned into varsity sports, and didn't really have time for both. Now as an adult she rarely plays the piano though she is excellent still. DC #1 mentioned who quit piano after 2 years, did nothing in music for 10+ years but now plays guitar very well, daily.

[Anonymous]

My brother had I good approach, I thought. He insisted that each of his 4 children try out for a varsity sport. It was a requirement. Anything they wanted. I don't really know what he would have done if they hadn't made -any- varsity sport ... this is a smaller town and perhaps it's not outrageous to assume they could make it. The results were: football, tennis, 2 in golf.

At least in our FCPS area there are no-cut sports, typically cross country. In this area, you could insist they particiate is some school sport. I think the team experience is important

I actually would have also insisted that they participate, in some way, at least once in awhile, in other school experiences: Homecoming or Prom, or at least an occasional special dance. With or without a date.

[Anonymous]

I am tired of pushing and even endlessly offering to try this or that. He has to be physically active (we found two activities he doesn’t hate); as for the rest, I want it to come from him.
He has a good foundation (bright, has educated parents, lives in a stable home), he can figure it out. I am happy to help but he needs to want to be better.
He is only 10 so he has time to grow and change but right now I see zero strive for anything, even gaming lol.

[Anonymous]

Don't push Op. Child led is what most clinicians who work with kids, families, etc. will recommend and not having a busy schedule is usually much better for kids overall. Try to let go of comparing and embrace that your kids are helping you be the parent they need.