Don’t you think people overestimate how much time they have to spend with their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, but my friends definitely overestimate how much time I should spend with their horrible kids.

I have older Elem and teens and my friends have a toddler. "Isn't he SO CUTE?! As he does some horrible thing like kick my dog." No. No, he's not. (and yes, I have had to tell him DO NOT KICK MY DOG)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m firmly in the camp that tweens and teens need more time. A lot of time. And if people were more available to kids at these emotional and hormonal moments there’d be less messed up kids.

Little kids hardly recall all the stuff you did and a provider is often down to provide the stimulation and laughter and learning little ones need.

The foundation for your tweens/ teens coming to you is set in the early years. There's no point in time where you can check out of parenting, and your kids will not be messed up.

I agree. But I think having a nanny or using childcare in the early years will be fine if you need to work. I don’t mean don’t spend time with them. I just think it’s more impactful to be around as much as possible as they get more aware of their life and develop into their own person.

I disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone who is emotionally healthy thinks this way.

I think most healthy adults, parentrs realize their kids will have multiple influences and that is a good thing. I think they also realize they won't be their largest influence.

Family and parents is largest influence. Science.

The point sailing over your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, but my friends definitely overestimate how much time I should spend with their horrible kids.

Isn't that the truth! I'll add family to this as well.

[Anonymous]

I hear you but I think your post is overly simplistic.

My parents both worked full-time, but left work at 5pm and we ate dinner by 6pm. I lived in a neighborhood with lots of other kids and sidewalks and the bus let me out on the corner of my very residential street about 5 houses down. If I had extra-curriculars they were usually where a SAHM could just roll by on her way and I would jump in for a ride. Guessing this was your life, too.

My husband and I both work full-time, but (in non-pandemic times) he leaves work around 6pm and often doesn't arrive home until 7pm at best. My job in academia is far more flexible and I generally work far fewer than 40 hours and am home much of the time, but there are days when I don't get home until 8 or 9 or 10. If I worked a traditional office job with traditional office hours I don't see why I wouldn't be in the same boat as him. Our child's extra curriculars are not in the neighborhood, and our neighbors -- all lovely -- don't do the same ones. Logistics are vastly more complicated, and we live in a fairly suburban settings. Lots of middle class families we know these days live in more urban environments with challenging issues around transit and safety that are much harder to navigate than when I was a middle class youth.

Times have changed and if parents want to SAH to simplify logistics, for whatever reason, then that is far from "creepy."

You do you, and let others make decisions that are sound for them.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be a SAHP, OP. You do you. No need to trash someone else's decision while making your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, but my friends definitely overestimate how much time I should spend with their horrible kids.

I read this as “my horrible kids” and laughed heartily. Less funny read correctly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m firmly in the camp that tweens and teens need more time. A lot of time. And if people were more available to kids at these emotional and hormonal moments there’d be less messed up kids.

Little kids hardly recall all the stuff you did and a provider is often down to provide the stimulation and laughter and learning little ones need.

When my firstborn was a baby I was hard-charging professionally. I now see that the older she gets the more I need to divide my attention. By the time all my kids are teens I may well be working very part time.

[Anonymous]

Even the homeschooling SAHPs I know don't believe they need to be their children's only influence or spend all of their time with their kids. Yes, I think that sometimes first time parents think they need to entertain their baby or toddler all day, but after that life tends to moderate those attitudes.

[Anonymous]

I just realized that I haven’t seen as many mommy war skirmishes on dcum lately as before the pandemic. Silver linings.

Hoping to provoke one, OP? Rhetorical question.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always worked from home and DH and I made the decision to hire an educated, former teacher as our nanny. She has a skill set that we simply don’t possess so we feel like we are giving our kids the best we can. Since I’m home, I still am able to nurse, have lunch with them, and be there for the milestones.

We are not wealthy. We live in a condo and really sacrifice to afford our amazing nanny.

To your point, we know exactly how much time we spend with our children. And it’s definitely a lot and more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. This post is from Mars. I can’t relate. I don’t know anyone who wants to be their entire world for their children.

No one wants to be the entire world to their kids. That's just your defenses kicking in. A kid's family is their foundation, from which they go out into the world. It's important to have a good foundation, for their childhoods and for building on when they leave home. I think a strong family is critical to happiness and mental health in life.

This. I don't want my kids to be my "whole world" -- I have work and other interests and relationships. But one thing I learned from my (not great) childhood is that family is the rare opportunity for a person to have a truly accepting, loving environment. It is unlikely your child is ever going to be a part of a friend group, community, or work place, that can offer the same level of stability, unconditional love, and validation that a family can offer. People who get that from their families tend to be happier overall, more confident, and more resilient when they encounter challenges in life. Just knowing there are people in the world who will love you no matter what can make it so much easier to handle failure and difficulties.

For me, knowing I wanted to create that kind of environment for my kids led me to become a SAHM. I don't think that's the same choice everyone needs to make, but it's what I needed to do in order to make sure my kids had a good foundation. Other people might have different support systems and might find it easier to create that foundation while working. It really just depends. You can't draw conclusions like this based on whether someone works outside the home or not. The equation is always different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Especially the SAHMs who want to be the only influence on their DCs. It’s more justifiable during the infant and toddler years (especially if your alternative is 50 hours with an uneducated daycare worker or nanny) but it gets creepy after school-age.

For context - both of my parents grew up with SAHMs who were busy all day every day with housework and never read them books or got on the floor to play with them. They are highly educated with master’s degrees. I grew up with two working parents who spent a lot of quality time with me but weren’t obsessive about being the only influence in my life. I am highly educated as well. I guess I don’t see why parents have to be the entire world for their kids.

They were not busy with house work all day long. They kept themselves busy on purpose to avoid spending time with their kids. IN SPITE OF THIS their kids turned out well.

[Anonymous]

Yea, I think you are making this up in your head, OP. I think there are some simple who want a simple life, maybe working part time while their kids are in school and then being their to pick them up and help with homework, drive to activities, etc. Other people might actually have problem children who really do need parental involvement outside of school. But otherwise, I think you're maybe describing a small minority of people and painting all SAHM's with the same brush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m firmly in the camp that tweens and teens need more time. A lot of time. And if people were more available to kids at these emotional and hormonal moments there’d be less messed up kids.

Little kids hardly recall all the stuff you did and a provider is often down to provide the stimulation and laughter and learning little ones need.

I disagree. It’s not about what a child actively remembers. It’s about emotional security and the needed engagement of the early years that creates brain connections and learning. This can be achieved with an involved SAHP, a good nanny, or a good daycare.

After that, it’s a natural part of human development to become independent from your parents. If I had stayed home with my child during middle school and now in high school, I still wouldn’t have more time with her as she has always been involved in after-school sports, second language enrichment and her friends.