Rude or reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be the outlier. I think it is a little inconsiderate on her part but not rude. The item belongs to her and you knew there were strings attached. In your mind, is she only allowed to request her item back in the one situation she mentioned (her pregnancy)? What if she moved - tough luck for her since not her only allowed caveat. What if she discovered you smoked in the house or not keeping it clean - oh well she isn't pregnant. A neighbor's house burned down and needed replacement items - she should have thought of that.

Beggars can't be choosers. Yes, family generally trumps acquaintances. It would be more questionable if she was lending it to another mom in playgroup because they were closer friends.

It isn't like we are talking about a car or providing someone shelter, something that cannot easily be replaced. I'm betting you are a first time mom. You need to develop thicker skin to navigate the relationships you'll now have as a mother.

I'm guessing you're the rude friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew her cousin had a toddler before she gave it to you.

But she may not have known her cousin would lose her job and be financially strapped unable to buy it. She may not have known the cousin was borrowing item from a friend who now needed it back. She may not have known the cousin would get divorced and she needed an item for her house since ex has other. She may not have known toddler's physical therapy progressed better than expected and she can now use item.

But she knew she had promised the item to OP, had given it to OP. Therefore the best human respons to that is to uphold her arrangment with OP. Second to that is :
So she then says to OP, " I'm sorry. I know I let you borrow item x, However, my cousin is having an emergency and needs item x now. I know this is an inconvenience to you, and I apologize. I can come pick it up today at 3 if you're available." And if she's really kind " I can help send out feelers to other moms for item X."

[Anonymous]

I forgot I didn't answer your question, yes she's rude. I'd just file this away for futre information, she is not someone you can count on for things like this. Fun at the playground or fun for mom drink nights maybe, but she's not your person for these kinds of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be the outlier. I think it is a little inconsiderate on her part but not rude. The item belongs to her and you knew there were strings attached. In your mind, is she only allowed to request her item back in the one situation she mentioned (her pregnancy)? What if she moved - tough luck for her since not her only allowed caveat. What if she discovered you smoked in the house or not keeping it clean - oh well she isn't pregnant. A neighbor's house burned down and needed replacement items - she should have thought of that.

Beggars can't be choosers. Yes, family generally trumps acquaintances. It would be more questionable if she was lending it to another mom in playgroup because they were closer friends.

It isn't like we are talking about a car or providing someone shelter, something that cannot easily be replaced. I'm betting you are a first time mom. You need to develop thicker skin to navigate the relationships you'll now have as a mother.

I agree with you. This would be an annoyance, but it doesn't arise to the level of rude. It belongs to the owner and she loaned it with strings attached. When my kids were little, I never borrowed clothes that would need to be returned, anything that I knew would be hard to keep track of and anything with strings attached that I actually needed (or believed I did).

If you look at it on the flip side, it's pretty entitled to think you should be able to keep a borrowed item for as long as you want to or to have at least a years notice before you have to return it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be the outlier. I think it is a little inconsiderate on her part but not rude. The item belongs to her and you knew there were strings attached. In your mind, is she only allowed to request her item back in the one situation she mentioned (her pregnancy)? What if she moved - tough luck for her since not her only allowed caveat. What if she discovered you smoked in the house or not keeping it clean - oh well she isn't pregnant. A neighbor's house burned down and needed replacement items - she should have thought of that.

Beggars can't be choosers. Yes, family generally trumps acquaintances. It would be more questionable if she was lending it to another mom in playgroup because they were closer friends.

It isn't like we are talking about a car or providing someone shelter, something that cannot easily be replaced. I'm betting you are a first time mom. You need to develop thicker skin to navigate the relationships you'll now have as a mother.

I agree with you. This would be an annoyance, but it doesn't arise to the level of rude. It belongs to the owner and she loaned it with strings attached. When my kids were little, I never borrowed clothes that would need to be returned, anything that I knew would be hard to keep track of and anything with strings attached that I actually needed (or believed I did).

If you look at it on the flip side, it's pretty entitled to think you should be able to keep a borrowed item for as long as you want to or to have at least a years notice before you have to return it.

Another rude friend.

[Anonymous]

Rude. If I were the lender, I'd feel like a bad friend for doing this.

Is there a chance you weren't "grateful" enough or otherwise offended her? (Not that this is ok) The cousin-needs-it story seems a little thin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to keep this story simple: a random mom acquaintance offered to let me borrow a baby product I was in search of with the only caveat being that if/when she has a second kid she might want it back. (She said in the meantime I was practically doing her a favor getting it out of her garage.) I accepted and said of course—mentally calculating that even if she got pregnant immediately after our convo it would be a minimum of a year before her baby would need it, which would hopefully give us plenty of time to grow out of it. Fast forward 3 weeks later and I get a text that her cousin wants it for her toddler and I need to give it back. So now I’m lying awake annoyed and curious if DCUM agrees this is remarkably rude or if most people see it the way she must (i.e. cousin trumps acquaintance) and think it’s totally reasonable to rescind the offer?

Yes, rude and annoying but just move on. You said she’s “a random mom acquaintance”; she’s not a friend and is not treating you considerately. Who knows why or cares, really, because you need to just cut your losses here. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for weighing in! We returned it yesterday—practically within the hour. (I kind of wanted to make her pick it up as people suggested but DH hates conflict and dropped it at her doorstep.) Cousin definitely wasn’t an emergency situation—she told me why she wanted it and it wasn’t a financial crisis or anything.

I wasn’t exactly losing sleep over this (not a FTM either!) but I was up searching for a deal on a replacement and wanted my feelings validated by you lovely folks. Part of my annoyance was that in between accepting her offer and her rescinding it I saw the item on a super sale and had another used one offered at a very low price. Neither are available now and I can’t find any on the marketplace so I’m about to shell out a lot for something we hopefully only need for 6m-1yr for our last kid. Oh well. I don’t typically borrow with strings attached either so lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, rude, but never a borrower or lender be.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Future tip: don’t borrow. Take hand me downs but the “I might want it back” stuff always ends up getting torn or pooped on or something.

Agree that it was rude, but families are complicated and she might be trying to avoid a fight with someone she has to see all the time for decades to come. I agree with the advice above. It sucks because, in my experience, people usually wait to say this until they are handing you the item and it's awkward to say no at that point. The "buy your own" people are wasteful. Baby stuff is meant to be passed along, you just need to people who are ready to completely let go of it.

Then she could have been a lot nicer to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Future tip: don’t borrow. Take hand me downs but the “I might want it back” stuff always ends up getting torn or pooped on or something.

Agree that it was rude, but families are complicated and she might be trying to avoid a fight with someone she has to see all the time for decades to come. I agree with the advice above. It sucks because, in my experience, people usually wait to say this until they are handing you the item and it's awkward to say no at that point. The "buy your own" people are wasteful. Baby stuff is meant to be passed along, you just need to people who are ready to completely let go of it.

Then she could have been a lot nicer to OP.

Gawd, some of you won’t let this go. It’s a random mom acquaintance. Obviously she’ll see her nearby cousin far more often than OP.

[Anonymous]

It's rude, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Just stop being cheap and go buy your own. Shit happens.

[Anonymous]

Do you need the replacement immediately, OP? Can you wait for another sale or used one to pop up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew her cousin had a toddler before she gave it to you.

But she may not have known her cousin would lose her job and be financially strapped unable to buy it. She may not have known the cousin was borrowing item from a friend who now needed it back. She may not have known the cousin would get divorced and she needed an item for her house since ex has other. She may not have known toddler's physical therapy progressed better than expected and she can now use item.

But she knew she had promised the item to OP, had given it to OP. Therefore the best human respons to that is to uphold her arrangment with OP. Second to that is :
So she then says to OP, " I'm sorry. I know I let you borrow item x, However, my cousin is having an emergency and needs item x now. I know this is an inconvenience to you, and I apologize. I can come pick it up today at 3 if you're available." And if she's really kind " I can help send out feelers to other moms for item X."

This.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious what the item is!! (Esp since you’re not a FTM)