Responding to triangulation/gaslighting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing you are already familiar with "grey rock?"

I am, but I am not that good at when she starts accusing my sister of all this crazy BS. It upsets me. I can gray rock for a while, but eventually, it gets to me and I respond angrily. In other words, she is successfully manipulating me.

crazy accusations against my sister were exactly what made me cut off my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is the same person that keeps posting about her mother with various "personality disorders".

Listen OP, there's a saying, it's something like "all happy families are happy in the same way. All dysfunctional families are dysfunctional in different ways."

Without a lot more context, I'm not sure anyone here can guide you.

I’ve posted about her before about her, but it’s been a while.


She started a few months ago claiming my brother died of a drug overdose. She said the sheriff called and told her. I know he doesn’t use drugs, and told her she was wrong. I checked with him the next day, and then called my mother to say he’s alive. That set off weeks of her texting me, or calling and screaming at me that I had to prove he was alive by him calling her. It was all just a dramatic ploy to force contact with him. The attempts have only gotten more desperate over the last couple of years. She can’t deal with the stress of the pandemic, so it morphs into losing her mind about my brother not contacting her.

Like a lot of people with cluster B personality disorders, she needs someone to blame. She invents these stories, then adds to them over the course of years. I think she doesn’t understand what unconditional love looks or feels like, so she decided 10 years ago that my sister must be sexually abusing me for us to be so close. This was also a topic of this week’s texts.

If it were as simple as a phone call, I can hang up on her. I had to do that last week. Then, a few days later, I get 15-25 text messages in the middle of the night that are increasingly abusive and absurd. It upsets me. I’ve explained this to her. She doesn’t seem to care.

She can’t be committed against her will. She will not go willingly. I tried having that conversation with her about 2 years ago. Her state has guidelines for being involuntarily committed. She doesn’t meet them.

She does sound out of touch with reality, but not all that far off from my parents at their borderline/borderline enabler worst. especially if drugs/alcohol are also involved.

[Anonymous]

My mom is very similar to yours.
When I was growing up, it wasn’t this bad. It was more like she always had theories and gossip, or super aspirational pie in the sky ideas.
The thing is, my mom can read people super well and is very perceptive. So sometimes she was just guessing/theorizing but she painted her ideas as fact and a lot of the time she was right, so it didn’t seem crazy.

Fast forward 20 years. My mom is now in her 60s. She’s extremely isolated and has never worked. She’s been cut off completely by one child and about 90% cut off by her other two.

And now she’s more into delusional territory. I don’t think she can tell facts from reality at this point.

My theory is that people like this get nuttier as they get older. I think it’s nastiness and isolation and maybe a bit of their minds starting to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is very similar to yours.
When I was growing up, it wasn’t this bad. It was more like she always had theories and gossip, or super aspirational pie in the sky ideas.
The thing is, my mom can read people super well and is very perceptive. So sometimes she was just guessing/theorizing but she painted her ideas as fact and a lot of the time she was right, so it didn’t seem crazy.

Fast forward 20 years. My mom is now in her 60s. She’s extremely isolated and has never worked. She’s been cut off completely by one child and about 90% cut off by her other two.

And now she’s more into delusional territory. I don’t think she can tell facts from reality at this point.

My theory is that people like this get nuttier as they get older. I think it’s nastiness and isolation and maybe a bit of their minds starting to go.

Bingo. Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is very similar to yours.
When I was growing up, it wasn’t this bad. It was more like she always had theories and gossip, or super aspirational pie in the sky ideas.
The thing is, my mom can read people super well and is very perceptive. So sometimes she was just guessing/theorizing but she painted her ideas as fact and a lot of the time she was right, so it didn’t seem crazy.

Fast forward 20 years. My mom is now in her 60s. She’s extremely isolated and has never worked. She’s been cut off completely by one child and about 90% cut off by her other two.

And now she’s more into delusional territory. I don’t think she can tell facts from reality at this point.

My theory is that people like this get nuttier as they get older. I think it’s nastiness and isolation and maybe a bit of their minds starting to go.

OP here. This sounds exactly like my mother. When our father was alive, I think he insulated us from a lot of the crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this kindly, why are you still having a relationship with her?

Because my sister isn’t ready to give up yet. We’ve spent our whole lives playing a game of rodeo clown to look out for each other. I don’t feel like I can leave her to deal with this alone. She knows I’ve blocked our mom, and will leave her blocked for the next few months.

[Anonymous]

I feel like gaslighting would be more like convincing you that you think your brother is dead, and/or you said your brother is dead. If she thinks it, this is not the same thing as convincing you that YOU have no grasp of reality. Her problem seems different from gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what gaslighting is, but what is triangulation in this context?

Trying to start trouble between 2 people. She wants to vilify my sister, and have me agree. It’s an isolation technique. It also serves as a manipulation tool. She wants me on her on her “side.”

My mom does this to me, lies about it and then accidentally sends me emails meant for my sister. I don't have much of a relationship with either.

Grey rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not personality disorder behavior at this point. She is having psychotic features and you need her evaluated for dementia if this is new. If she had these bizarre paranoid thoughts prior, then she should be evaluated for a thought disorder.

This.

This is not a personality disorder.

She is delusional, perhaps psychotic. She needs a full psychiatric work up. What is wrong with you that you think this is willful or a choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is very similar to yours.
When I was growing up, it wasn’t this bad. It was more like she always had theories and gossip, or super aspirational pie in the sky ideas.
The thing is, my mom can read people super well and is very perceptive. So sometimes she was just guessing/theorizing but she painted her ideas as fact and a lot of the time she was right, so it didn’t seem crazy.

Fast forward 20 years. My mom is now in her 60s. She’s extremely isolated and has never worked. She’s been cut off completely by one child and about 90% cut off by her other two.

And now she’s more into delusional territory. I don’t think she can tell facts from reality at this point.

My theory is that people like this get nuttier as they get older. I think it’s nastiness and isolation and maybe a bit of their minds starting to go.

Bingo. Exactly this.

Another +1. She sounds like my grandmother. The things she made up were laughable, so we just laughed at them and moved on. She was constantly trying to start fights between people but we all knew it so there was no fire to fuel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not personality disorder behavior at this point. She is having psychotic features and you need her evaluated for dementia if this is new. If she had these bizarre paranoid thoughts prior, then she should be evaluated for a thought disorder.

This.

This is not a personality disorder.

She is delusional, perhaps psychotic. She needs a full psychiatric work up. What is wrong with you that you think this is willful or a choice?

She’s always been like this. I can’t make her see a doctor. When I’ve spoken to her about it, she tells me I’m crazy and she’s sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like gaslighting would be more like convincing you that you think your brother is dead, and/or you said your brother is dead. If she thinks it, this is not the same thing as convincing you that YOU have no grasp of reality. Her problem seems different from gaslighting.

She’s always trying to tell me I said or did one thing or another, and acting as if it’s proof for the story she’s telling that day. People with personality disorders perceive things in tone or action that just aren’t real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like gaslighting would be more like convincing you that you think your brother is dead, and/or you said your brother is dead. If she thinks it, this is not the same thing as convincing you that YOU have no grasp of reality. Her problem seems different from gaslighting.

She’s always trying to tell me I said or did one thing or another, and acting as if it’s proof for the story she’s telling that day. People with personality disorders perceive things in tone or action that just aren’t real.

I’m the pp with a similar mom.

I think people with her disorder truly believe that their feelings are objective truth. Like if they feel something is true then it is true.

[Anonymous]

That goes well beyond NPD.

Your mother is very sick. If anyone can accompany her to her doctor and get her to explain this to the doctor, and get evaluated and put on meds, that would be great.

Make sure she doesn't have access to weapons or anyone else's finances apart from her own.

[Anonymous]

If she's not a danger to herself or others, I'd permanently block.

If she's in danger, I'd get her help as PP suggests.