Responding to triangulation/gaslighting
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Anonymous
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My mother has a personality disorder. If I had to guess, I think it’s borderline.
She has been hell bent on making the scapegoat sibling responsible for the golden child sibling going no contact. She invents the most bizarre stories every few months, and wants to scream at me (the 3rd sibling) about how the scapegoat is intentionally ruining her life. I have backed off of contact with her since she most recently refused to manage this behavior. All of us siblings know the routine. We are all close with one another. We don’t ever fall for the BS, or the attempts to make us flying monkeys. I don’t understand why my mother keeps trying this failing tactic. I have tried just having a cordial relationship with her, but she seems to be unwilling or unable to stop making up these completely irrational stories up about my siblings. They’re so out there that they’re laughable. Her most recent one was the devil-worshipping scapegoat (sister) forced the golden child (brother) into prostitution, and that’s why he’s dead now. But, he’s alive and well. No one worships the devil. No one is a prostitute. I can almost understand her willingness to believe he’s dead. Maybe, that’s easier for her to swallow than accepting that she destroyed the relationship by abusing him, leading him to cut all contact. I do not understand the other crazy ideas. I know I can make her aware of boundaries, and cut contact if she ignores them. Does anyone have experience with this kind of behavior? It’s just so confusing. I don’t want to listen to the badmouthing and accusations. Is my only option to never speak to her again? |
Anonymous
| I know what gaslighting is, but what is triangulation in this context? |
Anonymous
Trying to start trouble between 2 people. She wants to vilify my sister, and have me agree. It’s an isolation technique. It also serves as a manipulation tool. She wants me on her on her “side.” |
Anonymous
| I'm guessing you are already familiar with "grey rock?" |
Anonymous
My mom does this to me, lies about it and then accidentally sends me emails meant for my sister. I don't have much of a relationship with either. |
Anonymous
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You just don't respond to the badmouthing or triangulation. Stay totally silent if you must. Any response is an affirmation to her.
Set the boundary, and enforce it. You just refuse to engage on this matter at all. You don't need to explain yourself. |
Anonymous
| I cut off my parents for a loooong time when I finally got tired of it. |
Anonymous
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OP I am 50 and my mom is 75 and I only figured out she had been doing this shit 2 years ago.
Cut her off. Its the only way. |
Anonymous
This is way beyond BPD. Delusions like this sound a lot more like schizophrenia to me. Please try to get her some help. |
Anonymous
| This is not personality disorder behavior at this point. She is having psychotic features and you need her evaluated for dementia if this is new. If she had these bizarre paranoid thoughts prior, then she should be evaluated for a thought disorder. |
Anonymous
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I feel like this is the same person that keeps posting about her mother with various "personality disorders".
Listen OP, there's a saying, it's something like "all happy families are happy in the same way. All dysfunctional families are dysfunctional in different ways." Without a lot more context, I'm not sure anyone here can guide you. |
Anonymous
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Er, what?
If she legitimately believes her estranged son is dead (not just tantrums about "you're dead to me!"), then there's probably more going on there than a personality disorder, maybe even something neurological on top of the manipulation. Unfortunately it also doesn't sound like she'd be particularly amenable to getting checked out though. Definitely boundaries. "Ok mom...I'm not going to talk about satan and prostitutes right now, but let's talk next week OK BYE". If she does it again next time, repeat and hang up. Hopefully she'll over time learn that she can't do that if she wants to talk to you. If not, or if she escalates, then you might have to recalculate but that's probably the best shot you've got, just don't engage with the crazy stuff. |
Anonymous
I’ve posted about her before about her, but it’s been a while. She started a few months ago claiming my brother died of a drug overdose. She said the sheriff called and told her. I know he doesn’t use drugs, and told her she was wrong. I checked with him the next day, and then called my mother to say he’s alive. That set off weeks of her texting me, or calling and screaming at me that I had to prove he was alive by him calling her. It was all just a dramatic ploy to force contact with him. The attempts have only gotten more desperate over the last couple of years. She can’t deal with the stress of the pandemic, so it morphs into losing her mind about my brother not contacting her. Like a lot of people with cluster B personality disorders, she needs someone to blame. She invents these stories, then adds to them over the course of years. I think she doesn’t understand what unconditional love looks or feels like, so she decided 10 years ago that my sister must be sexually abusing me for us to be so close. This was also a topic of this week’s texts. If it were as simple as a phone call, I can hang up on her. I had to do that last week. Then, a few days later, I get 15-25 text messages in the middle of the night that are increasingly abusive and absurd. It upsets me. I’ve explained this to her. She doesn’t seem to care. She can’t be committed against her will. She will not go willingly. I tried having that conversation with her about 2 years ago. Her state has guidelines for being involuntarily committed. She doesn’t meet them. |
Anonymous
I am, but I am not that good at when she starts accusing my sister of all this crazy BS. It upsets me. I can gray rock for a while, but eventually, it gets to me and I respond angrily. In other words, she is successfully manipulating me. |
Anonymous
| OP, I say this kindly, why are you still having a relationship with her? |