so frustrating when dh can't perform when its go time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were doing infertility treatments so my husband clearly knew we were trying and the rough timing. I knew exact timing of ovulation but never told him “this is when we HAVE to do it.” I tried to make things interesting and spontaneous so we both had fun and he wasn’t experiencing the pressure of scheduled sex.

That does not equate to his being all in (in more ways than one).

PP -- I may have misunderstood what you were getting it. You mean that you didn't tell him this was the moment of ovulation? Pretty sure he wasn't fooled into thinking it was actually uscheduled.

To answer the first comment, HE wanted kids more than me and I let him tell me when he was ready to go the infertility route, so yes he was all in.

He knew the basic timing of cycles and ovulation but when I was tracking I never said explicitly today is peak fertility so we should have sex tonight. I also had crazy hormones the week before so we had a lot of sex the days before. I bet if I asked what day he thought was peak he’d have no idea! Of course right after ovulation my drive tanked. But basically I just didn’t want it to feel like a chore for him because I thought it would lead to OP’s problem of too much pressure and then performance issues. I just wanted him (and me!) to have some fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were doing infertility treatments so my husband clearly knew we were trying and the rough timing. I knew exact timing of ovulation but never told him “this is when we HAVE to do it.” I tried to make things interesting and spontaneous so we both had fun and he wasn’t experiencing the pressure of scheduled sex.

That does not equate to his being all in (in more ways than one).

PP -- I may have misunderstood what you were getting it. You mean that you didn't tell him this was the moment of ovulation? Pretty sure he wasn't fooled into thinking it was actually uscheduled.

To answer the first comment, HE wanted kids more than me and I let him tell me when he was ready to go the infertility route, so yes he was all in.

He knew the basic timing of cycles and ovulation but when I was tracking I never said explicitly today is peak fertility so we should have sex tonight. I also had crazy hormones the week before so we had a lot of sex the days before. I bet if I asked what day he thought was peak he’d have no idea! Of course right after ovulation my drive tanked. But basically I just didn’t want it to feel like a chore for him because I thought it would lead to OP’s problem of too much pressure and then performance issues. I just wanted him (and me!) to have some fun!

So, just confirming it is ED? Because mine has a different issue where ED isn't a problem at all, but he can't ever get there. This didn't used to be an issue, but obviously a great sex life on my part with no ejaculation is an issue TTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were doing infertility treatments so my husband clearly knew we were trying and the rough timing. I knew exact timing of ovulation but never told him “this is when we HAVE to do it.” I tried to make things interesting and spontaneous so we both had fun and he wasn’t experiencing the pressure of scheduled sex.

That does not equate to his being all in (in more ways than one).

PP -- I may have misunderstood what you were getting it. You mean that you didn't tell him this was the moment of ovulation? Pretty sure he wasn't fooled into thinking it was actually uscheduled.

To answer the first comment, HE wanted kids more than me and I let him tell me when he was ready to go the infertility route, so yes he was all in.

He knew the basic timing of cycles and ovulation but when I was tracking I never said explicitly today is peak fertility so we should have sex tonight. I also had crazy hormones the week before so we had a lot of sex the days before. I bet if I asked what day he thought was peak he’d have no idea! Of course right after ovulation my drive tanked. But basically I just didn’t want it to feel like a chore for him because I thought it would lead to OP’s problem of too much pressure and then performance issues. I just wanted him (and me!) to have some fun!

So, just confirming it is ED? Because mine has a different issue where ED isn't a problem at all, but he can't ever get there. This didn't used to be an issue, but obviously a great sex life on my part with no ejaculation is an issue TTC.

No ED issues. I was only sharing what I did because I was afraid DH would have trouble performing when the time came. By making it a non issue we never had a problem with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't forget sperm can live for five days so you can try over a few days!!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know its not his fault and is common

I try to keep things feeling as spontaneous and fun as we can

I don't put pressure on him or express frustration or disappointment to him afterward

But every month this happens and another month slips by, its so frustrating

Just a vent

100% with you. I get so mad but need to keep it inside. Its tough.

[Anonymous]

A male under the age of 50 should not be having these issues.

I'm an older lady and have not been with a lot of men but
all the men under age 50 had no problem with 100% performance.

I'd have him see his PCP for Viagra.

[Anonymous]

Get the UPS driver involved. Saves issue with DH and gets the job done.

[Anonymous]

Get a plastic syringe and self-inseminate after he goes in a cup. Yea it’s kinda weird but lesbian couples do it all the time to conceive with known donors.

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell him you’re ovulating. Have sex a lot. If you only initiate sex 2 days a month then he knows why and it doesn’t feel sexy.

[Anonymous]

Have the same issue. Only when TTC. We don’t have sex around my period so he isn’t oblivious to my cycle. It’s hard on both of us. He gets in his head and feels like he has to perform and then can’t finish. No amount of spontaneity or trying to have sex regularly helps. I honestly think we just got lucky with our first and am not sure if a second will happen.

[Anonymous]

I empathize as I went through this with my DH.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize cuz I went through this as well with DH. He has no issues performing when we aren’t TTC. Tell him you want to take a break from trying for a while and then stop having sex for a week or so. Then tell him that from now on you guys will no longer be trying and that you just wanna go back to having fun. Don’t talk to him about pregnancy, don’t talk to him about ovulation and don’t test until after you miss your period. Don’t talk about taking a pregnancy test and if you get a negative result don’t tell him. You need to deal with the issue carefully lol

This is what I did with my second. With my first he did eventually manage to ejaculate though very little came out. Yet somehow I miraculously got pregnant lol. We will be trying for a third soon and I plan to do something similar to what I did with my second. I told him from the beginning there’s no pressure. If I don’t get pregnant I don’t get pregnant and will put in an IUD after 6-9 months of trying. I don’t plan to discuss anything with him about timing etc. and will only tell him if I get a positive pregnancy test. Otherwise I plan to be having lots of fun

[Anonymous]

Odd that your sperm donor can’t get into it.

Sets you up well for post-kids, tho.

[Anonymous]

I bet he’s masturbating with a “death grip”. Look it up...

[Anonymous]

Maybe he subconsciously doesn't want a baby.