Help: Inlaws quarantining with us for a month!
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Anonymous
| Have your husband set up ground rules AHEAD of time about meals -- they are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch and they can cook dinner 2x a week for everyone (or something like that). You cannot be cooking 7 nights a week for them. |
Anonymous
Well, good luck! Based on the details you want to give, that's the best advice I want to give. |
Anonymous
No wrong inner monologue. She is a witch and “there she goes again. And again. And again.” |
Anonymous
| The quicker you are able to accept the situation you are in - as opposed to resisting it, the less stressful it will be. |
Anonymous
+1 This helps, OP. It really does. Of course I haven't had a MONTH (holy crap) but it has gotten me through a weekend. |
Anonymous
| How large is your home? Sequester yourself throughout the day to keep your peace. |
Anonymous
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Do you have a home office? Where in your house have you been working? Will your in-laws have their own space, like a basement in-law suite or anything luxurious like that?
What are the reasons you don't get along with them, and what exactly is your dynamic with them? How old are your kids? Can your in-laws take over spending time with your kids? Have your DH be the primary person for dealing with them. Be unavailable for most of the hours you are working. Feel free to go for a drive; you can use the excuse that you want to make calls to your family and want to call from the car where it's private and quiet. Stock up on gin. If your in-laws like to help or keep busy, figure out if there are any projects they can do. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you all for your advice. It is helpful! To answer some of your questions, we have a big house but it’s a totally open floor plan so no real place from privacy besides the bedroom. I typically work in my room. The inlaws stay in our upstairs guest room. Kids are ages 10 and 11, a boy and girl.
Mil is passive aggressive, narcissistic and loves to pick fights with everyone, especially me. |
Anonymous
This. Plus take a lot of walks. |
Anonymous
You can't control her. You can only control your response to her. Figure out what your hot buttons are with her and then figure out what you're going to do/say when she hits the button. It is all behavioral training. She is getting something from the interaction and basically you are feeding her a reward when you engage. So you need to learn how not to engage. She will escalate when you don't respond to her bait. In a nutshell, you need to think of it as a long distance walk going from 0 to 100 miles. She will escalate from 0 to 60-75 if she doesn't get a response. If you can make it successfully to 60-75 without engaging and rewarding her then she begin to taper from 75 to 100 when she will eventually extinguish the behavior. That is if you do NOT respond. But the second you respond...not only do you zoom back to 0 but you probably enter into the -100s. You are gong to have to work very hard at not engaging so develop some healthy coping mechanisms. Long walks, undesirable chores, etc, all may help. You need to keep reminding yourself that you cannot control her, you can only control how you respond to her. |
Anonymous
| Well good luck. Three days was my max. Then dh insisted mil come help when #2 was born. She stayed for two weeks. I thought it went fine. She disagreed. We haven’t spoken in 7 years now. |
Anonymous
And drives. Long drives and errands, with or w/o your kids. Go grocery shopping. Take donations to Goodwill. Take old paints to the solid waste disposal center. Drive to that new housing development and look around. Do yoga in your bedroom with the door locked (or just say you are doing yoga, go to your room and lock the door/there’s an hour). Outside work: there’s yard clean-up, washing a car, cleaning the garage, watering lawn and plants, pulling weeds, cleaning outside windows. Don’t forget: after all this work, you’ll need a long shower. Also, I’m sure you’ll have some Zoom calls, right? Or you’re going to need at least an hour to prepare a report because you’re on deadline. There’s another hour behind a locked door. Last thought: Family Movie Night! Everyone together but you don’t have to talk and MOL can’t hijack the conversation. |
Anonymous
| I honestly would find an air B and B near you and have them stay there. Put your foot down and say it is just too much at this particular time. |
Anonymous
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OP, don't be reactive. You are already being reactive.
How do you want the day to go? You decide. You establish any routine you want. |
Anonymous
| Well if they “need” a place to stay you can leverage that if she picks fights. Think of lots of tactful ways to remind her it’s your home and she’s welcome to go elsewhere if she needs to. Make sure your DH and kids know the arrangement beforehand so there’s no “Mom never goes out for walks this much” or some such thing that outs you as ignoring them. Find 5 new hobbies that require your attention in the evening - reading for imaginary book club, zoom calls with friends, volunteer work you need to do on your computer, or just tv you want to watch. And 1000% that your DH needs to handle the bulk of the conversation and entertainment. |