What would you do if your adult child is unmotivated to work or contribute to your household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. They're 23 and have been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. They've seen a therapist in the past but don't want to continue seeing one.

Well then that would be a condition of their living off of you. Therapy and meds.

Thank you. Will suggest to my sister.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for other suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. They're 23 and have been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. They've seen a therapist in the past but don't want to continue seeing one.

Well then that would be a condition of their living off of you. Therapy and meds.

Thank you. Will suggest to my sister.

Please do. With the end of college, pandemic, economic uncertainty, and worsening depression I would be very concerned about suicidal thoughts. Especially with a lack of interest in treatment.

If your sister can broach that subject with her child, and the child will be honest, it may help ascertain the urgency for getting help. If it’s not something they can talk about assume it is urgent.

Sure, maybe this is just a lazy unmotivated college kid, but on the other hand there are a lot of warning flags here.

[Anonymous]

As they have never had a job before, my best advice is to be sure that your sister hasn't given them the incorrect belief that their degrees entitle them to more than an entry level job at this point. At 23 I had 7 years of increasing customer service and then gov't interning jobs. So they really need to take what they can get job-wise and move up from there. If they hate their jobs they can use that to move on and give them incentive to continue to gain experience and apply elsewhere.

- have a sister who never worked, stayed in school for her masters, then could never quite find a job that was at her 'station'. She should have taken the first 'anything' that came along and worked her way up.

[Anonymous]

Give them 30 days notice to vacate.

[Anonymous]

Normally, I would be with the tough-love crowd. But your sister prepared her child for this kind of life, not one of independence. Most people do not start out with their dream jobs and, in fact, never have the luxury of pursuing them as evidenced by some posters on the "Do You Enjoy Life?" thread. Giving only one month of notice would be unfair. I think a structured timeline would be more effective. Immediately insist on therapy. If DC refused I would cut out all luxuries. Then household duties. In 3 months applications for jobs/internships. At each step I would reevaluate based on progress.

[Anonymous]

I have given this advice without much hope, OP. The only thing that works with kids is being relentless, absolutely unwilling to yield when you know it is in the child's interest. Does your sister have this ability to dig in and see it through?

[Anonymous]

In addition to therapy and meds make some sort of daily exercise a condition of living at home.

[Anonymous]

If the person is not able to do anything (look for work) for example, I think a theraputic day program is the way to go. The program will have the person up early and participating. That will take the load off mom to be nagging about weekly therapy and taking meds.

[Anonymous]

As the mom of a bipolar child with ADHD and anxiety severe enough to be medicated with both a daily medication and a PRN, I think that before your sister can expect your niece to move out, her mental health has to be in order. IME, these are the things that work. Medication - there has to be proper medication for all of the conditions. That takes a psychiatrist. A therapist is a waste of money unless there is buy in. But the psychiatrist is a necessity.

Second is structure and routine followed by activity that makes you tired. You have to have regular sleep times and good sleep hygiene, which is tough to maintain without structure, routine and activity. The best way to get structure, routine and activity is a job. Any job. It gives you a schedule. It requires you to engage in activity. Someone else imposes the structure so your mood doesn't defeat you. Someone else tells you what to do. You're tired at the end of the work day. You become part of something that society needs. You make friends or at least some sort of social relationships that hopefully extend outside of work.

Once you get the mental health under control, then you can work on the life skills that it will take to move out. But, it doesn't sound like your niece is anywhere near that point yet. And, neither is my son, though he is not yet finished with school so we're not at that point yet.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'd really be pushing therapy as a requirement, plus meds if they have been prescribed. Many doctors are doing telemedicine these days. Therapy, plus a requirement to do some kind of exercise (go for a walk, yoga, take a bike ride, whatever). Minimize luxuries, don't spend money to make it too nice at home, assign the kid chores that, if not done, affect her most directly. But with mental health issues, I would not be kicking the kid out right now. A lot of people have had depression and anxiety worsened by the pandemic.

[Anonymous]

I would insist on a job that required hard labor. Not, you get to go ride your bike or do yoga to tire yourself out. Those can come if you have enough energy after putting in a hard day's work. Meaning, you're so tired you are grateful for food and sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As they have never had a job before, my best advice is to be sure that your sister hasn't given them the incorrect belief that their degrees entitle them to more than an entry level job at this point. At 23 I had 7 years of increasing customer service and then gov't interning jobs. So they really need to take what they can get job-wise and move up from there. If they hate their jobs they can use that to move on and give them incentive to continue to gain experience and apply elsewhere.

- have a sister who never worked, stayed in school for her masters, then could never quite find a job that was at her 'station'. She should have taken the first 'anything' that came along and worked her way up.

+1. My 23 yo stepbrother, whom I truly love, is absolutely nonplussed that he has to accept any entry-level job coming from an Ivy. Of no help is my stepmom who continues to echo his disbelief that he can't waltz into an upper management position. My Dad is watching all this and wondering how long he has to financially support the kid while he figures this out and my stepmom enables it. I've offered my Dad a sympathetic ear, then I go pop the popcorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. They're not in a relationship. They graduated from college this year after 5 years--struggled with motivation in HS and college due to depression, ADHD, and anxiety that I mentioned earlier, but were still able to maintain relatively high GPA because of the structure and accommodations. The depression has worsened this summer. So this level of lack of motivation is new, but the underlying issues were present before. They had no jobs in HS or college.

Posting this for my sister who has asked for advice and is okay with me posting. I have no idea what advice to give.

This person is floundering because they lack structure. They need to contact the career office of the college and ask for help in finding a job. Your nephew also needs a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I read an article today saying that as a side effect of ADHD medication kids lose motivation to achieve. It impacts a part of brain responsible for motivation and especially affects boys and young men.