Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They do not expect you to clean up after them. Don't. I would call a family meeting. "Guys, I refuse to live like this any longer. These designated areas of the house and garage are mine after June 26. You have 4 days to clear out your things. If I find anything of yours in one of my areas, I will discard or donate it. I will not inform you before doing so because I have already wasted far too much mental and emotional energy on your clutter." If DH resisted I would be letting him know that I was preparing for separation, at a minimum. You can love someone without sharing living space.

This is what I do with my kids. They aren’t allowed in 2 rooms of the house. Plus I give them a two day warning to clean up an area or everything is being donated or thrown out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do not expect you to clean up after them. Don't. I would call a family meeting. "Guys, I refuse to live like this any longer. These designated areas of the house and garage are mine after June 26. You have 4 days to clear out your things. If I find anything of yours in one of my areas, I will discard or donate it. I will not inform you before doing so because I have already wasted far too much mental and emotional energy on your clutter."

This was going to be my exact advice. Stop coddling them. This has been going on for more than a few years. A whole family does not magically grow up to be messy. Sure, some people are generally more untidy than others, but being a pic is a learned behavior. The children are teenagers and while you can't turn back time, you can show tough love. You'll be doing them and their future partners a favor.

+2 as a man who hates clutter and was always picking up after my DW and the kids, I laid down the law (including the threat to throw out/donate stuff - and I did follow through in that one time in fact) and everyone's behavior changed overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. Wow that would be an awesome shed. I wish it would work, but it won't. If I have no access to it, it will be a mess within weeks and although I wouldn't care if my things were left alone, it still leaves my basement to be destroyed and disrespected and in the end this is what it feels like to me. Complete and total disrespect for the money things cost, our time, my stress level, etc. And definitely disrespect for common sense which anyone can see because it makes no sense to take extra time "later" to clean up a much bigger mess, spend more time looking for things, and quite often just buying another item because you can't find the first and don't have time to sort through 10 boxes.

OP, that's the point, it will be a mess without you having access to it ... and thats ok! it's THEIR space. They can either live with the mess as they see fit, or clean it. But it isn't YOUR burden to clean it, it's their space.

Alternatively, you could carve out a "she-shed" space that they are NOT allowed in, it's for YOU only and you keep it as clean as YOU like.

From your posts, it seems like the challenge lies in different perspectives, you feel this is imperative for them to learn, and they feel they don't mind the mess and chaos.

[Anonymous]

I feel really silly, but this post was a huge epiphany for me. I have exactly this same issue in my house. This is why I feel like housework takes forever, and it’s this impossible never-ending task. No one, including DH, ever cleans up after themselves. DH is often the worst.
I was just outside trying to play with my kids, and the grill was sitting in the middle of the deck, open, from where he grilled three days ago. The hose is also out, along with a bike helmet and a bottle of PAM. I pick that up and walk down to the yard, where there are several tools and some trash from when he put up a pea trellis the other day.
So now I go to play with the kids, and I only have 15 minutes instead of 1/2 hour to play the game. But if I didn’t clean it up, it would just sit there until either I cleaned it or I told one of the kids to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really silly, but this post was a huge epiphany for me. I have exactly this same issue in my house. This is why I feel like housework takes forever, and it’s this impossible never-ending task. No one, including DH, ever cleans up after themselves. DH is often the worst.
I was just outside trying to play with my kids, and the grill was sitting in the middle of the deck, open, from where he grilled three days ago. The hose is also out, along with a bike helmet and a bottle of PAM. I pick that up and walk down to the yard, where there are several tools and some trash from when he put up a pea trellis the other day.
So now I go to play with the kids, and I only have 15 minutes instead of 1/2 hour to play the game. But if I didn’t clean it up, it would just sit there until either I cleaned it or I told one of the kids to do it.

*putting on my therapist hat* and what would happen if you just let it sit there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really silly, but this post was a huge epiphany for me. I have exactly this same issue in my house. This is why I feel like housework takes forever, and it’s this impossible never-ending task. No one, including DH, ever cleans up after themselves. DH is often the worst.
I was just outside trying to play with my kids, and the grill was sitting in the middle of the deck, open, from where he grilled three days ago. The hose is also out, along with a bike helmet and a bottle of PAM. I pick that up and walk down to the yard, where there are several tools and some trash from when he put up a pea trellis the other day.
So now I go to play with the kids, and I only have 15 minutes instead of 1/2 hour to play the game. But if I didn’t clean it up, it would just sit there until either I cleaned it or I told one of the kids to do it.

*putting on my therapist hat* and what would happen if you just let it sit there?

Not this poster, but I am in the same boat with a husband with ADHD. What would happen is that it will sit there for months or weeks at a time, meanwhile other things pile up. The mess drives me crazy and I feel like I can’t enjoy being it own home. It’s maddening.

[Anonymous]

OP here....well if I don't, what is the answer? I can't function in these rooms/areas and I can't just let the stuff sit where they leave it. It's absurd at some point.

Do you kids have cell phones or ipads? Do they use wifi? When you want to get your bike and can't, you turn off the internet and take away their phones until they clean the garage. You don't clean it. They do. Because doing that is part of being a productive member of the family.

You take away privileges until they stop being slobs. As for your husband... marriage counseling. Really. Because if he knows how much this bothers you and doesn't care to change his behavior, you need to decide if you want to live like that for the rest of your life.

Not only does your situation sound disgusting, but you have to take responsibility for what you are teaching your kids. So far, you've allowed them to live like this and it will honestly hurt them as adults and limit their ability to get roommates and romantic partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really silly, but this post was a huge epiphany for me. I have exactly this same issue in my house. This is why I feel like housework takes forever, and it’s this impossible never-ending task. No one, including DH, ever cleans up after themselves. DH is often the worst.
I was just outside trying to play with my kids, and the grill was sitting in the middle of the deck, open, from where he grilled three days ago. The hose is also out, along with a bike helmet and a bottle of PAM. I pick that up and walk down to the yard, where there are several tools and some trash from when he put up a pea trellis the other day.
So now I go to play with the kids, and I only have 15 minutes instead of 1/2 hour to play the game. But if I didn’t clean it up, it would just sit there until either I cleaned it or I told one of the kids to do it.

*putting on my therapist hat* and what would happen if you just let it sit there?

a) It would get rained on and ruined.

b) one of the children could get hurt playing with the tools

c) It’s unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ ...and yes, they all have ADD/ADHD and Executive Functioning Disorder, so we are seeking professional counseling help to devised ways the manage the mess.

What kind of therapist teaches ways to manage the mess and get organized? I think my ADHD/Executive Functioning Disorder family needs this!

[Anonymous]

It's disrespect if you and disrespect of stuff. Less stuff for one and do the big in idea. Everything you find that's not where it's supposed to be goes in the bin.

[Anonymous]

I’m the wife and I have ADD. Organizing is hard for me. Putting things away is hard for me (I get that it sounds weird, but I have to force myself to remember to put things back when I’m done).

But I try. And I’m a lot better. And when my dh says he needs something from me, I don’t tell him he’s ridiculous.

I think you need marriage counseling. Or you need to find a cabin and leave for 2 weeks so they can see how bad it can get without you picking up after them constantly.

Something does need to change. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

In a few years they will be gone and you will miss It.

[Anonymous]

So your DH and the boys make and leave messes? What about your two girls? If they have different behaviors, why is that?

[Anonymous]

I don't know. It seems like you are in the minority in your family.

Why do you get to dictate the terms?

Why do you call is "sickening and disgusting?" That would be true for filth...but disorganization? It just irritates you. That is your personality type. Would they say you need to chill?

You stated early on how you have let YOUR standards down somewhat. Who put you in charge of the standards. Just another way to think about it.

[Anonymous]

If they drop it, you pick it up and throw it in a box in the garage or on the porch or whatever. Don't nicely stack it. At the end of the week, toss it.