DD refuses to eat

[Anonymous]

OP, my daughter went through this at age 12.

She suddenly stopped wanting to eat -- it was tied to going almost vegan (she gave up dairy and meat, but would eat eggs.) Many of her favorite foods had cheese in them so she was cutting out a lot of foods. She also started obsessively exercising. This went on for a month or two and I was getting very worried as she looked thinner and thinner and was very angry and cranky all the time, but insisted she didn't want any food (and yelled at me for suggesting it, or for making her breakfast or packing her a lunch)

I took her to her pediatrician who didn't say it was anorexia but heard my concerns, weighed her and found she had only gained 1 pound in the past year though she had grown an inch or so. She thankfully told my daughter she was too young to go vegan as her family wasn't vegan. My daughter listened to the doctor and agreed to add cheese back to her diet and occasional milk.

I then fed my daughter very high calories foods for about 3 weeks. I added extra oil and butter to mac and cheese; added oil to black beans and rice; served salads with a lot of dressing; and made her a bunch of high fat smoothies and milk shakes. Whatever she was willing to eat, I just added an extra 250 calories to each serving.

She put on 3 pounds quickly and then it was like a light switch went on in her brain. She was back to her old, hungry self. She had no problems with any family meals. She continues to exercise, but it seemed like a normal amount. She grew another inch but continues to gain weight in places where a girl her age should gain weight.

Now she is three years older and she is an athlete with a healthy appetite. She is dairy free but eats healthy foods and included poultry, fish and eggs.

[Anonymous]

Good thread to read OP:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/663477.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could go away on its own but you absolutely can’t count on it-this is what incipient anorexia looks like. Talk to your ped ASAP, start reading up, and make family meals a priority.

I second this. If it is the beginnings of anorexia you want to get ahead of it as soon as you can.

I was anorexic as a teen. I don't remember exactly when it started but it got bad enough that I was hospitalized in high school. It's a control issue. Food is one thing she can control especially if everything else feels out of control. Baggy clothes are a way to conceal how much weight you've lost.

Head it off early if you can. Luckily my parents noticed and I didn't suffer any permanent damage from it. I'm 48 now, have had 3 kids and remained a healthy, normal weight for the most part. I won't say my thoughts about food are completely healthy but I'm able to manage, eat normally for the most part.

Hopefully it's totally something else, but just in case it's not, don't waste time. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

“It’s a control issue” is what we were all taught, but it is not grounded in current eating disorder research.

OP, eating disorders can happen in children as young as 7.

FYI, Maudsley/Family Based Treatment (which is the only evidence-based treatment for children and adolescents with anorexia) absolutely involves forcing your child to eat. Just like if a toddler refuses the car seat and reasoning, bribing, etc, doesn’t work, at some point you have to forcefully buckle up your kid.

Pediatricians do not receive specialized training in eating disorders. I’d take my child to a Maudsley certified psychologist, bring in growth charts, have her weighed and evaluated.

Malnutrition can lead to heart problems and bone density issues much sooner than you’d think, even if your daughter doesn’t look skeletal. Your instincts are telling you something for a reason - get on this now.

[Anonymous]

I was anorexic. Anorexia is not always about wanting to lose weight. A lot of times with preteens and teens, it's about control. It's a major thing they can control themselves. I would back off of trying to force her to eat or bringing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was anorexic. Anorexia is not always about wanting to lose weight. A lot of times with preteens and teens, it's about control. It's a major thing they can control themselves. I would back off of trying to force her to eat or bringing it up.

That’s what I’ve been doing, but now I’m second guessing that.

Thanks everyone for being kind and for the practical suggestions. I will log her intake on the sly for a few days to see if it’s possible that she’s making up the calories somehow, I’ll read up a bit more, and I’ll call the pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Many people don't like eating breakfast and are perfectly fine waiting for lunch. Once my son turned 11 he stopped wanting breakfast. It worried me at first and I would force him for a while, but then realized eating the first thing in the morning for him doesn't work. He has no appetite then. It sounds like you OP are really invested whether she eats or not.

For one week back completely off and let her eat or not eat. Stop making her breakfast and taking it to her. Tell her she can decide what she eats and when she eats, that you are not making her food anymore unless she asks you to. Then see how it goes. If she really doesn't eat next week, you have an issue. If she eats, it is more about you pestering her (I mean that in a nice way, I would love someone to cook for me).

[Anonymous]

Dealiing with something similar. I would not inject a discussion about weight if she’s not already worried about thar.

I would just calmly tell her that three healthy meals a day are non-negotiable, even if she’s not hungry. Sometimes our body doesn’t send us the right hunger messages but she needs the fuel because she’s growing. Its okay to be mad at mom/dad but its not okay to use food as an emotional weapon. Be as mad as you want but you need to eat your lunch. Calm, non-emotional, non-negotiable. And make sure neither of the parents use food/meals as an emotional tool...kids pick up on that as a strategy.

[Anonymous]

The behavior of refusing to eat because she is mad at you worries me. She is punishing you by hurting herself. I would not wait to get help for this.

[Anonymous]

I am borderline anorexic. I’m an adult. It started in the past few years. Without going into the details of my life. I know why I do it. It’s about control. Wanting to feel in control when your life is spinning out of control or you feel like someone controls you.
PS. I’m in therapy.

[Anonymous]

When anorexia starts, kids will come up with all sorts of reasons why they aren't eating. They will tell it to you and they will tell it to themselves.

My stomach hurts.
I'm gluten free and dairy free.
I'm vegan and love the animals.
I'm mad at you because you yelled.
You made me get off the computer game I was playing.
The food tastes slimy.
I don't eat breakfast.
I need to be on control of something.

If it is anorexia, none of these reasons are the real reason they aren't eating. The real reason they are eating is that they have anorexia and something in their brain is telling them not to eat.

These are just the things they say to you (and themselves) to explain why the aren't eating that particular meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was anorexic. Anorexia is not always about wanting to lose weight. A lot of times with preteens and teens, it's about control. It's a major thing they can control themselves. I would back off of trying to force her to eat or bringing it up.

That’s what I’ve been doing, but now I’m second guessing that.

Thanks everyone for being kind and for the practical suggestions. I will log her intake on the sly for a few days to see if it’s possible that she’s making up the calories somehow, I’ll read up a bit more, and I’ll call the pediatrician.

Good job Mama Bear/Papa Bear! You've got this! She's your baby and you know what is normal for her. Stay aware. Don't let up. If it is anorexia, early weeks count so much. The earlier and younger you can intervene the better your chances of success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealiing with something similar. I would not inject a discussion about weight if she’s not already worried about thar.

I would just calmly tell her that three healthy meals a day are non-negotiable, even if she’s not hungry. Sometimes our body doesn’t send us the right hunger messages but she needs the fuel because she’s growing. Its okay to be mad at mom/dad but its not okay to use food as an emotional weapon. Be as mad as you want but you need to eat your lunch. Calm, non-emotional, non-negotiable. And make sure neither of the parents use food/meals as an emotional tool...kids pick up on that as a strategy.

I don't know, if it is indeed about control for her, this sounds like it could backfire big time. In fact, it is kind of using food as an emotional control. Food is tricky because we need it and good nutrition is important, but we have to manage it ourselves. If you make it "non-negotiable" you're kind of setting yourself up for a battle. What are you going to do if she doesn't want breakfast? Hold her at the table staring at it for hours? Tie her down and make her choke it down? You can't do that. I think an overall day by day normal total is fine, but that could be in the form of snacks, no breakfast and a big lunch, etc. Forcing 3 squares sounds kind of outdated and setting yourself up to make food a point of contention. Plenty of healthy people don't eat that way and don't have eating issues. I think the advice to back off and just quietly track what she goes for sounds a lot better for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealiing with something similar. I would not inject a discussion about weight if she’s not already worried about thar.

I would just calmly tell her that three healthy meals a day are non-negotiable, even if she’s not hungry. Sometimes our body doesn’t send us the right hunger messages but she needs the fuel because she’s growing. Its okay to be mad at mom/dad but its not okay to use food as an emotional weapon. Be as mad as you want but you need to eat your lunch. Calm, non-emotional, non-negotiable. And make sure neither of the parents use food/meals as an emotional tool...kids pick up on that as a strategy.

I don't know, if it is indeed about control for her, this sounds like it could backfire big time. In fact, it is kind of using food as an emotional control. Food is tricky because we need it and good nutrition is important, but we have to manage it ourselves. If you make it "non-negotiable" you're kind of setting yourself up for a battle. What are you going to do if she doesn't want breakfast? Hold her at the table staring at it for hours? Tie her down and make her choke it down? You can't do that. I think an overall day by day normal total is fine, but that could be in the form of snacks, no breakfast and a big lunch, etc. Forcing 3 squares sounds kind of outdated and setting yourself up to make food a point of contention. Plenty of healthy people don't eat that way and don't have eating issues. I think the advice to back off and just quietly track what she goes for sounds a lot better for now.

I’m pretty sure your advice is fine for kids without eating issues, but runs contrary to the advice for kids with eating issues. It’s just matter of fact, like going to school, being vaccinated, taking prescription medication, etc. If you start negotiating about “oh, you can skip breakfast if you have a big lunch” they will just work that and tale advantage. You don’t make it a point of contention—it’s just a fact of life. No battles, just calm. If they skip meals, its the same as them skipping school—you’re not going to physically force them but there is a clear statement that’s unacceptable and you don’t just go on with normal life and outings with friends, etc. if you had a diabetic kid, you wouldnt let them skip their insulin because they said they didn’t think they need it today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealiing with something similar. I would not inject a discussion about weight if she’s not already worried about thar.

I would just calmly tell her that three healthy meals a day are non-negotiable, even if she’s not hungry. Sometimes our body doesn’t send us the right hunger messages but she needs the fuel because she’s growing. Its okay to be mad at mom/dad but its not okay to use food as an emotional weapon. Be as mad as you want but you need to eat your lunch. Calm, non-emotional, non-negotiable. And make sure neither of the parents use food/meals as an emotional tool...kids pick up on that as a strategy.

I don't know, if it is indeed about control for her, this sounds like it could backfire big time. In fact, it is kind of using food as an emotional control. Food is tricky because we need it and good nutrition is important, but we have to manage it ourselves. If you make it "non-negotiable" you're kind of setting yourself up for a battle. What are you going to do if she doesn't want breakfast? Hold her at the table staring at it for hours? Tie her down and make her choke it down? You can't do that. I think an overall day by day normal total is fine, but that could be in the form of snacks, no breakfast and a big lunch, etc. Forcing 3 squares sounds kind of outdated and setting yourself up to make food a point of contention. Plenty of healthy people don't eat that way and don't have eating issues. I think the advice to back off and just quietly track what she goes for sounds a lot better for now.

I’m pretty sure your advice is fine for kids without eating issues, but runs contrary to the advice for kids with eating issues. It’s just matter of fact, like going to school, being vaccinated, taking prescription medication, etc. If you start negotiating about “oh, you can skip breakfast if you have a big lunch” they will just work that and tale advantage. You don’t make it a point of contention—it’s just a fact of life. No battles, just calm. If they skip meals, its the same as them skipping school—you’re not going to physically force them but there is a clear statement that’s unacceptable and you don’t just go on with normal life and outings with friends, etc. if you had a diabetic kid, you wouldnt let them skip their insulin because they said they didn’t think they need it today.

I'm a former anorexic and this approach would have made me dig in my heels HARD. No "calm" with anyone forcing food on me. Getting away from a battle and forced food and angry conversations around food control was the best thing for me. If the OP's kid really has eating issues, imposing the "family meals" is not going to be the thing that breaks the cycle. Or maybe it does? For me that just meant flirting with bulimia.