DH's new approach to avoid overreacting is to avoid parenting altogether

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds.

(Stamps foot) My husband doesn’t do what I want. Unacceptable! There must be some way to drug or indoctrinate him into compliance!

This was kind of my reaction too. Sounds like he is tired of not being able to do anything right.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH also has untreated anxiety and refused treatment because he also wanted to "keep his edge at work." Left almost all the parenting to me but didn't yell much at the kids, just me. No good answers. DH never changed but got better at managing the kids now that they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a difficult time dealing with the stress and frustration that comes along with parenting. He is prone to overreacting and it upsets me and the kids. We had a talk about it this weekend and he promised to work on it and do better. Well, apparently "doing better" means to just avoid parenting altogether. He removes himself from the situation every time the kids are being the slightest bit annoying or frustrating. That means it's all left to me.

I told him this isn't a viable way for him to deal with the situation. He said he would rather remove himself from the situation than get frustrated and yell. DH put the kids to bed tonight. I went upstairs thinking they were in bed already. They weren't. They were playing in their rooms. DH was in his office with the door closed. I asked him why and he said they weren't listening so he removed himself from the situation.

I can't tell if this is a manipulative way to get out of the hard parts of parenting, or if he truly believes this is "doing better". I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds. He has rejected all of them. This is so frustrating. What are some other solutions to help deal with this?

Some background for context is that he was the one who really wanted kids. I was on the fence but agreed. I feel resentment that he was the one who wanted kids but isn't willing to put in the work to help himself. I can't change him--he has to want that for himself.

If he avoids conversations, conflicts, and multi-tasking in other areas of life too, this sounds like my Aspie spouse.

He gets easily overwhelmed when home and only operates in two modes: Do nothing, or Angry. The angry part comes up after he neglected fixing a situation (mess in kitchen, kids squabbling, forgot to make lunch, lost his keys/is late) and suddenly realizes there's a bigger mess so he overreacts and yells. The kids can't figure it out and just run off, we all call it the Raging Lunatic Attack. He doesn't listen to the kids stating what they want or need so they get all wound up so I have to constantly fix everything and everyone, 24/7. it's F'ing exhausting. And of course, he has nothing to ever say to me about anything other than he office work or what he needs (from groceries, from office demands).

OP, your husband needs a parenting class and communications course at a minimum. He many need a psychologist pr psychiatrist for the underlying condition Dx and anti-anxiety meds for the secondary condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds.

(Stamps foot) My husband doesn’t do what I want. Unacceptable! There must be some way to drug or indoctrinate him into compliance!

He has untreated anxiety. He acknowledges he has it but refuses to seek treatment because it "helps him keep his edge" at work. -OP

oh man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd let him walk out on bedtime, but also let him deal with the aftermath. Don't swoop in and save him by putting the kids to bed. If he gets around to after he calms down, great. If not, they'll fall asleep eventually, even if it's on the floor in their clothes. He gets the morning tomorrow, and (more importantly) tomorrow afternoon when the exhaustion finally sets in. He'll eventually learn to remove himself for 15-20 minutes to calm down, and then return to finish the job.

ASD doesn't learn. Incapable. This would fail and fail and create an anger storm, fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has a difficult time dealing with the stress and frustration that comes along with parenting. He is prone to overreacting and it upsets me and the kids. We had a talk about it this weekend and he promised to work on it and do better. Well, apparently "doing better" means to just avoid parenting altogether. He removes himself from the situation every time the kids are being the slightest bit annoying or frustrating. That means it's all left to me.

I told him this isn't a viable way for him to deal with the situation. He said he would rather remove himself from the situation than get frustrated and yell. DH put the kids to bed tonight. I went upstairs thinking they were in bed already. They weren't. They were playing in their rooms. DH was in his office with the door closed. I asked him why and he said they weren't listening so he removed himself from the situation.

I can't tell if this is a manipulative way to get out of the hard parts of parenting, or if he truly believes this is "doing better". I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds. He has rejected all of them. This is so frustrating. What are some other solutions to help deal with this?

Some background for context is that he was the one who really wanted kids. I was on the fence but agreed. I feel resentment that he was the one who wanted kids but isn't willing to put in the work to help himself. I can't change him--he has to want that for himself.

If he avoids conversations, conflicts, and multi-tasking in other areas of life too, this sounds like my Aspie spouse.

He gets easily overwhelmed when home and only operates in two modes: Do nothing, or Angry. The angry part comes up after he neglected fixing a situation (mess in kitchen, kids squabbling, forgot to make lunch, lost his keys/is late) and suddenly realizes there's a bigger mess so he overreacts and yells. The kids can't figure it out and just run off, we all call it the Raging Lunatic Attack. He doesn't listen to the kids stating what they want or need so they get all wound up so I have to constantly fix everything and everyone, 24/7. it's F'ing exhausting. And of course, he has nothing to ever say to me about anything other than he office work or what he needs (from groceries, from office demands).

OP, your husband needs a parenting class and communications course at a minimum. He many need a psychologist pr psychiatrist for the underlying condition Dx and anti-anxiety meds for the secondary condition.

Maybe OP is a control freak and cant stand the fact that her kids and her DH dont follow instructions. Based on the responses seen here .. most DW would fall in this category