DH's new approach to avoid overreacting is to avoid parenting altogether

[Anonymous]

DH has a difficult time dealing with the stress and frustration that comes along with parenting. He is prone to overreacting and it upsets me and the kids. We had a talk about it this weekend and he promised to work on it and do better. Well, apparently "doing better" means to just avoid parenting altogether. He removes himself from the situation every time the kids are being the slightest bit annoying or frustrating. That means it's all left to me.

I told him this isn't a viable way for him to deal with the situation. He said he would rather remove himself from the situation than get frustrated and yell. DH put the kids to bed tonight. I went upstairs thinking they were in bed already. They weren't. They were playing in their rooms. DH was in his office with the door closed. I asked him why and he said they weren't listening so he removed himself from the situation.

I can't tell if this is a manipulative way to get out of the hard parts of parenting, or if he truly believes this is "doing better". I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds. He has rejected all of them. This is so frustrating. What are some other solutions to help deal with this?

Some background for context is that he was the one who really wanted kids. I was on the fence but agreed. I feel resentment that he was the one who wanted kids but isn't willing to put in the work to help himself. I can't change him--he has to want that for himself.

[Anonymous]

He might want to consider going on medication, even if temporarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might want to consider going on medication, even if temporarily.

Based on what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a difficult time dealing with the stress and frustration that comes along with parenting. He is prone to overreacting and it upsets me and the kids. We had a talk about it this weekend and he promised to work on it and do better. Well, apparently "doing better" means to just avoid parenting altogether. He removes himself from the situation every time the kids are being the slightest bit annoying or frustrating. That means it's all left to me.

I told him this isn't a viable way for him to deal with the situation. He said he would rather remove himself from the situation than get frustrated and yell. DH put the kids to bed tonight. I went upstairs thinking they were in bed already. They weren't. They were playing in their rooms. DH was in his office with the door closed. I asked him why and he said they weren't listening so he removed himself from the situation.

I can't tell if this is a manipulative way to get out of the hard parts of parenting, or if he truly believes this is "doing better". I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds. He has rejected all of them. This is so frustrating. What are some other solutions to help deal with this?

Some background for context is that he was the one who really wanted kids. I was on the fence but agreed. I feel resentment that he was the one who wanted kids but isn't willing to put in the work to help himself. I can't change him--he has to want that for himself.

Do you know much about his childhood? Look at that. Maybe some trauma there.

[Anonymous]

He must be Latin .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might want to consider going on medication, even if temporarily.

Based on what?

Based on the fact that we're all being flooded with abnormal amounts of cortisol and adrenaline because we're fighting against an invisible enemy and we're all stressed to the max trying to work and take care of kids with no respite care. I've been doing therapy for years, but only in the past month have I admitted to myself that I probably need to be on meds, at least for now. I am not my best self right now, and there is not a lot in my power that I can do to fix it. It's not a long term solution, but it might make him more able to deal with the stress of parenting during a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

He has an affair partner. This sounds just like my husband. The stress of juggling lies made him snap disproportionately at all of us. His going in his office alone also might mean he’s Skyping with her where there will be no phone bill trace.

Start digging around. A lot of people are snapping sand more affairs/infidelities being discovered. I noticed even in the celebrity world too.

[Anonymous]

They were playing in their rooms.

So what’s the problem? They play quietly until they go to sleep. So what? It’s not like they have to get up for the bus.

[Anonymous]

I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds.

(Stamps foot) My husband doesn’t do what I want. Unacceptable! There must be some way to drug or indoctrinate him into compliance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They were playing in their rooms.

So what’s the problem? They play quietly until they go to sleep. So what? It’s not like they have to get up for the bus.

Honestly, their bed time is their bed time
For reasons you may not know (need to keep schedule for meetings next day etc.).

OP, your husband is trying to bail out on his responsibilities. He has to own up to being present in kid activities and not bail. Don’t give him an out.

[Anonymous]

So what do you want him to do in that situation? He can’t yell at them, he can’t leave, so what should he do? Did you give him options?

[Anonymous]

So what do you want him to do in that situation? He can’t yell at them, he can’t leave, so what should he do? Did you give him options?

Ummmm… Stay there and NOT yell? Like probably half a million parents in the greater metro area tonight? Literally every child under 18 probably procrastinated before going to bed. This is not a real problem; your DH is just an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds.

(Stamps foot) My husband doesn’t do what I want. Unacceptable! There must be some way to drug or indoctrinate him into compliance!

He has untreated anxiety. He acknowledges he has it but refuses to seek treatment because it "helps him keep his edge" at work. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have suggested parenting classes, books, therapy and/or meds.

(Stamps foot) My husband doesn’t do what I want. Unacceptable! There must be some way to drug or indoctrinate him into compliance!

He has untreated anxiety. He acknowledges he has it but refuses to seek treatment because it "helps him keep his edge" at work. -OP

The Emmy goes to this guy for "Most Innovative Cop-Out Descriptor"

[Anonymous]

I'd let him walk out on bedtime, but also let him deal with the aftermath. Don't swoop in and save him by putting the kids to bed. If he gets around to after he calms down, great. If not, they'll fall asleep eventually, even if it's on the floor in their clothes. He gets the morning tomorrow, and (more importantly) tomorrow afternoon when the exhaustion finally sets in. He'll eventually learn to remove himself for 15-20 minutes to calm down, and then return to finish the job.