Managing everyone in the same household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been a WAHM with a FT nanny for 2 kids for almost 6 years. Right now is more extreme than normal, but it is possible to make this work without being a hostage in your home-office.

I think you just need to address this with your kids' nanny. For our nanny, the thing that helps the most is that I don't ever undermine her when she's in charge. So if the kids ask me for something or are clearly not listening to her in favor of getting my attention, I defer back to her, "You need to do what <Nanny> says." This is similar to what I would do if DH were interacting with the kids. There have been times when I've gotten into work rhythms that made it harder to manage the kids, and she was honest and we just talked through them and figured out a solution.

That being said, toddlers are clingy...and they will usually cling to whomever is not in charge. That's just a developmental phase. Your nanny should not make you feel like a prisoner in your own house, nor should she be unequipped to deal with what is pretty normal toddler behavior. It doesn't sound like this is clearly an issue, though, since it's just a single incident (based on your OP). Address it before it becomes a big deal, and you'll be fine.

OP here- Thanks this is helpful. Yes, this was a single incident. I am not sure what people are talking about with me doing the nanny's job, but I probably didn't give enough context. Since SIP, there are a handful of times TOTAL that I have been around when DC isn't napping, outside, etc, and have tried to stay out of their way. A couple of times, I forgot something like my work notebook that was in a different room and needed to grab it, they came back earlier than expected from a walk and I was making lunch, and a couple of times I ate lunch with DC and nanny before nanny put her down for a nap. DC was clingy a couple of times, and not the other times. Generally, the nanny and I get along well, and I have been trying to be very thoughtful about her adjusting to everyone home. I more so was bothered, even though it was a single incident that I am now over, because I didn't feel like she was making effort to accommodate the situation. Now that I see this is long-term, I was seeking advice about how to have a reasonable flow besides "don't be seen at all", and wondering if people had ideas or success with this. Of course clinginess is a typical toddler behavior and if it continues I'll have to adjust expectations, but for now it seems like I can set up a consistent routine and DC can adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have some set times for "pop ins" so that it is part of the routine and not a disruption.

Like, 10:30 or so every day, you'll come out of your office for a cup of coffee and some hugs and check-ins.

Make it a routine. Make it part of the day, so that nanny and kid alike know what to expect from you.

I'll try this.-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We and the nanny are on the same page and always present a united front to the kids. If we disagree we discuss it away from them.

Yes, this is our normal too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

That’s the norm. Most families don’t switch nannies more than once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

That’s the norm. Most families don’t switch nannies more than once.

NP here. Most families have just one nanny - at least everyone I know personally. We’re going on five years with our nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

Nannies have lives, too. If they decide to go back to school, change careers or move for a relationship, it doesn’t make their employer the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

Nannies have lives, too. If they decide to go back to school, change careers or move for a relationship, it doesn’t make their employer the problem.

Of course nannies have lives but careful screening of applicants can definitely limit the nannies who might leave to a large extent. Also being a good employer helps.

[Anonymous]

My child gets clingy right before her naptime, so I know not to leave my home office during that time. I actually put a block on my work calendar so I don’t forget and pop out for a stretch break! It’s not fair to do that to my child or nanny. Occasionally if I have a light day and have time to put her down for her nap, I’ll take over so nanny gets a break.

The rest of the day, my child is perfectly fine with having me pop in and out for a few minutes. She has a lot of fun with her nanny so she’s happy to see me but also happy to get back to the fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

Nannies have lives, too. If they decide to go back to school, change careers or move for a relationship, it doesn’t make their employer the problem.

Of course nannies have lives but careful screening of applicants can definitely limit the nannies who might leave to a large extent. Also being a good employer helps.

NP don’t forget, families can make changes too! They may move, or think they’re done having kids before the oopsie baby comes along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

Nannies have lives, too. If they decide to go back to school, change careers or move for a relationship, it doesn’t make their employer the problem.

Of course nannies have lives but careful screening of applicants can definitely limit the nannies who might leave to a large extent. Also being a good employer helps.

NP don’t forget, families can make changes too! They may move, or think they’re done having kids before the oopsie baby comes along.

I see multiple nannies as an employer issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How's everyone doing with everyone being in the same house? I will probably be working from home until the late fall and want to take this time to enjoy some extra time with my toddler then I have a little down time and am working from home, but need the nanny to function in my job. DCis getting adjusted to the arrangement, but gets clingy when I am around. My nanny was just a little snarky with me about it which is frustrating. I understand staying out of her way, but don't want to be hiding from DC, tiptoeing in my own home for several months. I think we should work more DC adjusting to this new normal. Any tips?

You should be doing your job and let the
nanny do her job without your interference. If you want to take care of your kid, quit your job and let nanny go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How's everyone doing with everyone being in the same house? I will probably be working from home until the late fall and want to take this time to enjoy some extra time with my toddler then I have a little down time and am working from home, but need the nanny to function in my job. DCis getting adjusted to the arrangement, but gets clingy when I am around. My nanny was just a little snarky with me about it which is frustrating. I understand staying out of her way, but don't want to be hiding from DC, tiptoeing in my own home for several months. I think we should work more DC adjusting to this new normal. Any tips?

You should be doing your job and let the
nanny do her job without your interference. If you want to take care of your kid, quit your job and let nanny go.

If this is the general nanny attitude with a shelter-in-place order, you will be making this decision easier for OP. Such an unhelpful, negative, attitude. If you can’t handle the parents at home due to a pandemic and think they can’t show their face with you around, keep your same rigid standards, and have no desire to make it a good situation for everyone, I similarly hope you have quit your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were on a new job and I wanted to make it work, I would not be snarky. You need to think about how much your nanny is committed to the job when you are trying so hard. Are you ok with you giving 180% while she does 20% to make it work?

After having nannies for 10 years (my kids are older now) my lesson learned was that I stepped up and done my job as a manager. She is the employee. I avoided a lot of difficult conversations and at the end, the person who paid for the lack of effort on the part of nannies was me and my family.

That you had “nannies” rather than one nanny for ten years is a bit troubling.

For the welfare of your child, OP, take advice from parents who employed just one nanny for the duration.

DP. It's pretty rare to have the same nanny for 10 years. Stop being a sanctimonious jerk.

We have had the same nanny for nine years and my brother has had the same nanny for 15 years. My two closest friends both had just one nanny until their youngest started school. To have one employee for the duration of the job isn’t rare, PP.

Nannies have lives, too. If they decide to go back to school, change careers or move for a relationship, it doesn’t make their employer the problem.

Of course nannies have lives but careful screening of applicants can definitely limit the nannies who might leave to a large extent. Also being a good employer helps.

NP don’t forget, families can make changes too! They may move, or think they’re done having kids before the oopsie baby comes along.

I see multiple nannies as an employer issue.

This is an anonymous forum and we don’t know each other IRL. Yes, nannies die, nannies move away, employers move away, etc. But with the plethora of advice available on managing/negotiating with a nanny, I would never take advice from an employer who had “nannies” on how best to handle a conflict.