Division of labor and duties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men and women are built very differently. Most men have to struggle with family management, even those who want to.

Built by society, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

[Anonymous]

DD is 2nd grade and DS 4th. We both work but have flexibility.

Me: laundry
Childcare scheduling including all holiday, play dates, date night, vacation, camp planning
Im pointe on all lessons practices and events for DD - travel soccer, piano and For DS piano lessons
Any school stuff like holiday parties, volunteering, etc.
Cat litter/food/cleaning lady/bills/dry cleaning
School pick ups and drop offs
All kids clothing, material needs, dr visits, etc

DH:
Daily cooking
Garbage
Any landscape/house related needs so he has to manage the scheduling of repairs if needed
All activities related to DS weekends like chess competitions, flag football
Making kids' lunches daily
Pointe for kids during weekends
All driving for family road trips, vacations, etc

Shared:
Groceries
Weekend breakfasts
Dishes

We never really discussed the division of labor except we just kinda fell into all this. The childcare scheduling is crazy. It's really overwhelming for me and the hardest thing. I always heard kids get easier as they age but in many levels I disagree. There's so much more driving, planning, time with kids as they age it felt easier when they were younger. Also you can have a nanny when kids are younger but as they age it's hard to justify costs. It's more physical at younger ages but the mental stuff is just as if not more exhausting. It's really hard at this age 8+ level where they are old enough but not really old enough! Lol

I really don't know how people do it without work flex and money. I am just not that kind of mom that can work and household manage - DH is amazing but ultimately as most women know there's somethings only a mom can do right ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM with our 2 kids, ages 5 and 3. My husband works full time (8-5) but his commute is under 5 minutes (he works right around the corner) so he doesn't leave for work til 7:50 most mornings, comes home for lunch most days, and then is home in the evenings usually by 5:05. He does have to travel a lot for work but when he's not traveling, he's home a lot more than most ppl who work full time out of the home and he never has to stay late, go early, or bring work home w/ him.

mostly me (things I do about 85-90% of the time and DH does occasionally):
-laundry
-dishes
-vacuuming, dusting, mopping, cleaning countertops, cleaning windows, cleaning bathrooms
-general tidying and organizing of the house
-bill paying
-making social plans for our family
-meal planning
-grocery/household items shopping and generally keeping an inventory of pantry/household items to know what needs to be bought/replaced when
-shopping for misc. like birthday presents and cards for extended family and friends, buying bday and Christmas gifts for our own kids
-taking kids to activities and appointments
-helping with homework
-making kids' lunches
-cooking dinner
-taking cars in for oil changes/maintenance

all of the time (100%) me:
-buying kids clothes, managing kids' stuff (knowing what clothing size/shoe size they wear and what clothes/shoes they need when)
-making kids' appointments
-managing communications with teachers, keeping track of school obligations (forms that need to be signed, knowing when we need to bring snack and bringing it, etc)
-signing kids up for activities
-getting up with kids in the middle of the night if they wake up
-making appts for general household maintenance or household issues that come up: HVAC, plumber, etc.

mostly my DH:
-managing our $$--savings and investments, planning financial future
-lawn care
-snow removal
-planning vacations
-taking out trash/recycling

all of the time (100%) my DH:
-making the coffee the night before so we can just push the button to brew in the morning
-snaking the drain whenever it needs it
-taking care of bugs/any pest problems
-giving the kids their baths

split exactly 50/50 or we all do together as a family:
-reading the kids' bedtime stories, doing the bedtime routine
-making the kids' breakfast
-alternating who gets up early w/ the kids when they wake up early
-playing with kids when we're all home
-taking kids on outings on the weekends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.

PP here. Should have clarified — I don’t mean that they can’t do it 10-15% of the time. I mean that they assume responsibility for it. You don’t get mental space unless the task is outsourced. In most homes I know where dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks, it’s because both work.

I don’t think it is the work per se. It is the running list of things to do. Personally I would not want to have my mental list consumed by these daily tasks, because I prefer bigger picture thinking. Some people are the opposite. The fact that we can now fit roles according to abilities and temperament rather than just gender is an advance, overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.

PP here. Should have clarified — I don’t mean that they can’t do it 10-15% of the time. I mean that they assume responsibility for it. You don’t get mental space unless the task is outsourced. In most homes I know where dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks, it’s because both work.

I don’t think it is the work per se. It is the running list of things to do. Personally I would not want to have my mental list consumed by these daily tasks, because I prefer bigger picture thinking. Some people are the opposite. The fact that we can now fit roles according to abilities and temperament rather than just gender is an advance, overall.

I think that you have cause and effect reversed. This should read “in most homes I know where both parents work it’s because the dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men and women are built very differently. Most men have to struggle with family management, even those who want to.

And yet, they make use of the same skills in the workplace. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.

PP here. Should have clarified — I don’t mean that they can’t do it 10-15% of the time. I mean that they assume responsibility for it. You don’t get mental space unless the task is outsourced. In most homes I know where dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks, it’s because both work.

I don’t think it is the work per se. It is the running list of things to do. Personally I would not want to have my mental list consumed by these daily tasks, because I prefer bigger picture thinking. Some people are the opposite. The fact that we can now fit roles according to abilities and temperament rather than just gender is an advance, overall.

I think that you have cause and effect reversed. This should read “in most homes I know where both parents work it’s because the dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks.”

I hear what you’re saying. But we no longer live in the days of arranged marriage. Women have agency. This was like a second date conversation for me with my husband. If he had said he imagined marrying a SAHM it would have been a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.

PP here. Should have clarified — I don’t mean that they can’t do it 10-15% of the time. I mean that they assume responsibility for it. You don’t get mental space unless the task is outsourced. In most homes I know where dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks, it’s because both work.

I don’t think it is the work per se. It is the running list of things to do. Personally I would not want to have my mental list consumed by these daily tasks, because I prefer bigger picture thinking. Some people are the opposite. The fact that we can now fit roles according to abilities and temperament rather than just gender is an advance, overall.

I think that you have cause and effect reversed. This should read “in most homes I know where both parents work it’s because the dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks.”

I hear what you’re saying. But we no longer live in the days of arranged marriage. Women have agency. This was like a second date conversation for me with my husband. If he had said he imagined marrying a SAHM it would have been a dealbreaker.

What are you, a vampire? That is the most soulless dating experience I have ever heard of.
I married my husband because we fell in love. Not because he agreed to father the exact number of children I wanted, always have xyz income, and share 50% of the household chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”[/quote

+1. I worked full time for 25 years and part time for 5 then quit. (Older mom.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.

PP here. Should have clarified — I don’t mean that they can’t do it 10-15% of the time. I mean that they assume responsibility for it. You don’t get mental space unless the task is outsourced. In most homes I know where dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks, it’s because both work.

I don’t think it is the work per se. It is the running list of things to do. Personally I would not want to have my mental list consumed by these daily tasks, because I prefer bigger picture thinking. Some people are the opposite. The fact that we can now fit roles according to abilities and temperament rather than just gender is an advance, overall.

I think that you have cause and effect reversed. This should read “in most homes I know where both parents work it’s because the dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks.”

I hear what you’re saying. But we no longer live in the days of arranged marriage. Women have agency. This was like a second date conversation for me with my husband. If he had said he imagined marrying a SAHM it would have been a dealbreaker.

What are you, a vampire? That is the most soulless dating experience I have ever heard of.
I married my husband because we fell in love. Not because he agreed to father the exact number of children I wanted, always have xyz income, and share 50% of the household chores.

We fell in love at first sight. Hence serious second date conversation.

My opinion — others may differ — is that it takes more than love to make a happy and stable family. I have seen resentment and mismatched expectations eat away at an otherwise good partnership. I think a good marriage is love with comptability and alignment on values, expectations, and roles. I didn’t want my kids to see us squabbling about who does what and chronically angry or resentful. I wanted them to have a mother who is happy and satisfied with her life, who has an arena of ambitions and relationships outside of them. Every woman is different and wants different things. We now have the option to choose for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”[/quote

+1. I worked full time for 25 years and part time for 5 then quit. (Older mom.)

Same here. I went to 25 hours a week and take on most family and home management tasks. DH is very involved and a great Dad, but I'm the project manager. We have a much stronger marriage than friends who fight constantly over household tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”[/quote

+1. I worked full time for 25 years and part time for 5 then quit. (Older mom.)

Same here. I went to 25 hours a week and take on most family and home management tasks. DH is very involved and a great Dad, but I'm the project manager. We have a much stronger marriage than friends who fight constantly over household tasks.

So you had to choose between your marriage and your career? How sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments.

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.

You should meet the other SAHM in this thread then...