Division of labor and duties

[Anonymous]

DH is a great father and is definitely more helpful at home vs. several of my friends' husbands from what it seems - he helps with cleaning and cooking, is engaged with the kids, and is generally willing to do anything when asked (it just may take him a while to actually do it). We both work full time out of the house and have big jobs, but somehow nearly all other household, kid and other tasks fall on me. Grocery shopping, dry cleaning, running any errands for the kids/adults, finding and coordinating after school and weekend babysitters, making plans with friends (with and without kids), planing kids' birthday parties, coordinating kids' schedules outside of school, planning any vacations or trips we take, making and attending kids' doctors appointments, and so on. DH manages our finances - pays our mortgage, car payments and credit card bills, etc (although I pay basic bills that come in like dr bills).

I am just curious how others divide everything up. I constantly feel like I am spread way too thin and while DH is willing to step up he just isn't good at some things like making plans, grocery shopping, etc so I constantly end up doing it all.

[Anonymous]

Google "the second shift"

You are not alone. This is the life of most working mothers. Even though our husbands do a lot more for our families and household than our fathers did. My husband cooks, does laundry, cleans, but I do everything else, including finances.

[Anonymous]

Put a chore chart on the fridge of the basics for the week—groceries, dry cleaning, etc. alternate who makes dinner and who cleans up.

[Anonymous]

Men and women are built very differently. Most men have to struggle with family management, even those who want to.

[Anonymous]

Book rec: Fair Play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Book rec: Fair Play

Cliff notes?

[Anonymous]

DH does more for the kids, and I do more for the house. But we're both comfortable and will both do anything we see that needs doing.

[Anonymous]

We alternate nights - one of us does bedtime and the other does dishes and makes lunches. This has really helped in the division of labor.

I have worked hard to let go of the need to plan and force myself to go to the gym or workout class one weekend morning so dh has to plan a kids activity.

[Anonymous]

This part of marriage is like running a business together. We schedule meetings to go over things so that we both know what is happening.

In general, my husband does a lot of tasks that happen regularly, such as loading laundry, cooking, morning routine, trash, order house supplies, etc. He does house maintenance and financials and car stuff. I do tidying, home organizing, seasonal tasks (including buying shoes/clothes/outerwear for kids), holidays, birthdays, social/community, things that involve research and planning, whatever relates to children’s education & extracurriculars, hiring caregivers, teacher gifts, etc. We both grocery shop and I cook on weekends.

It is a bit gendered as far as a division goes but I feel like we have gotten to a pretty equal split. My thing is that I can’t do both the daily things and the big picture planning. I feel like there is so much that falls on “mom’s” plate as far as all those little things that take up way too much mental space — Valentines, birthday gifts, outgrew socks, summer camp — and at some point I just realized I cannot do that and work unless he is taking more daily stuff.

[Anonymous]

Groceries was the easiest for me to give to Dh. I easily make a grocery list on Wunderlist and he buys it. Bonus in that he takes the 1 and 3 year old shopping. I get that making a list is also work but you’d have to make a list for yourself anyways. Dh has gotten so good at it over the years too.

I probably do everything else on your list though. I get a half hour for lunch and I spend it on the internet. I bill pay, shop amazon for needed items, do our taxes, vacation plan, buy all gifts, make all appointments, etc. I enjoy it though and don’t consider it work. Dh does a ton of handyman stuff at home. He’s actually really great at being present and working hard when he’s with us but he can’t do any of the emotional labor type stuff.

My only advise is to learn to enjoy it. My parents made me do dishes nonstop. I hated it. Took an hour every night. I held it against them and was bitter about it. But... when I moved out I realized I loved it. Dishes and laundry are my favorites. I listen to books on tape while I do dishes. Kinda crazy but I think some of the labor of life is a mindset.

[Anonymous]

This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

[Anonymous]

We have an even split we’re both happy with, and it’s by having “zones” - things one or the other of us handles completely, thus taking the mental load off the other person. For us it’s:

Me:
Laundry
Kids clothes purchasing and organizing
Keeping the house “stocked” - toilet paper, stamps, wrapping paper, etc
Pediatrician

Him:
Cooking
Cat feeding/litter boxes
Day care (coordination, communication, etc, we split pick up/drop off)
Bill paying

Shared:
Childcare
Dishes (he does more though)
Financial planning/budgeting
Travel planning (most travel for us these days is to visit family, we each plan for our own side)

Outsourced:
Grocery shopping
House cleaning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

You are the wisest of them all. Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”

Same, and DH knows it too.

PP here. That’s great. I don’t think my DH does fully appreciate it. Now that my kids are in ES he makes comments about me eventually working, but no mention of what additional tasks he will perform if I do. It’s probably going to come to a head eventually but I’m slow playing it as long as I can. We don’t need the money, so I’m reluctant to take on additional stress and responsibility when I feel like the balance is good now.