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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is why I don’t work. Seriously. I knew I’d end up doing all this crap by myself anyway. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to WOH too. I’m much less resentful this way because all of this stuff is in fact my “job.”[/quote]
Same, and DH knows it too. [/quote]

I don’t get this. Most of the women I know who are resentful about spouse not lifting a finger are SAH. For us personally, I feel like WOH has resulted in a more equitable mindset and balance. I do not know SAH women whose husbands cook, do laundry, do dishes, change diapers, and take kids to medical appointments. [/quote]

I’m a SAHM. My husband does all the above (cooking, dishes, laundry, general childcare such as changing diapers, going to kids’ appointments) when he can. Obviously I do it more since I don’t have another job but when he’s with us, he’s a very involved father who wants to do the childcare stuff and he also is very aware of and hands on with the household chores and management stuff. It’s probably still 85% me doing that stuff but I feel like we are very equal partners...it’s not like I have to do it all all the time just because I’m a SAHM. My SAHM friends report that their husbands are generally also helpful. I think the idea of the working dad and SAHM where the wife is serving him meals and cleaning up after him while he ignores the kids and doesn’t respect his wife is quite antiquated. The majority of the modern fathers/husbands I know personally are very involved parents and partners.[/quote]

PP here. Should have clarified — I don’t mean that they can’t do it 10-15% of the time. I mean that they assume responsibility for it. You don’t get mental space unless the task is outsourced[b]. In most homes I know where dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks, it’s because both work.[/b]

I don’t think it is the work per se. It is the running list of things to do. Personally I would not want to have my mental list consumed by these daily tasks, because I prefer bigger picture thinking. Some people are the opposite. The fact that we can now fit roles according to abilities and temperament rather than just gender is an advance, overall.[/quote]

I think that you have cause and effect reversed.   This should read “in most homes I know where both parents work it’s because the dads are owning household/family/childcare tasks.”

[/quote]

I hear what you’re saying. But we no longer live in the days of arranged marriage. Women have agency. This was like a second date conversation for me with my husband. If he had said he imagined marrying a SAHM it would have been a dealbreaker.[/quote]

What are you, a vampire?  That is the most soulless dating experience I have ever heard of.  
I married my husband because we fell in love.  Not because he agreed to father the exact number of children I wanted, always have xyz income, and share 50% of the household chores. 
[/quote]

We fell in love at first sight. Hence serious second date conversation.

My opinion — others may differ — is that it takes more than love to make a happy and stable family. I have seen resentment and mismatched expectations eat away at an otherwise good partnership. I think a good marriage is love with comptability and alignment on values, expectations, and roles. I didn’t want my kids to see us squabbling about who does what and chronically angry or resentful. I wanted them to have a mother who is happy and satisfied with her life, who has an arena of ambitions and relationships outside of them. Every woman is different and wants different things. We now have the option to choose for ourselves.[/quote]

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