Asking if friends are gay

[Anonymous]

Just say whatever her answer is. Why was she uncomfortable? Teach your daughter to own her truth. There's nothing to talk to any teachers or parents about.

It was just a curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I teach 8th grade and the kids ask it as casually as “are you in honors English?” or “Are your parents divorced?” It would depend on the tone/context I guess, but I absolutely wouldn’t ask a teacher or the kid’s parent. If a kid came to me with this concern, I’d ask why the question upset them (assuming it did), and work through it from that angle.

So you would assume a kid upset by this question has a problem? Great. FYI the last thing most middle schoolers want to be thought of is gay.

I feel like you’re writing this from 1988. My MS is pretty well rainbow clad. Does not seem to be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My tween said one of her friends asked her if she was gay the other day. My DD didn't know what to say beyond "no" and "why are you asking?" Seems like an odd question for a kid to ask and DD felt really awkward and uncomfortable. I told her that her response was appropriate and asked if friend was asking others ... she did not know. The question really made my kid feel uncomfortable and I suggested she may want to talk to a teacher about it to put her at ease. Should I say something to the parent or just leave it alone?

honestly, your tween may be trying to tell you something. Agree that the kids in school know it is acceptable to be gay. Your tween might just be feeling you out for your response to being gay.

Yeah it is very trendy now and a lot of these kids “try on” different labels and sexual identities. The other popular thing is to announce you are “pansexual.”

[Anonymous]

Mom of a gay teenage boy here, and I agree with everyone that kids today are much, much more accepting. Lots of kids are out, and talking about sexuality is the norm.

But! He goes to an extremely diverse school in a very liberal community. And even there, some kids use “gay” as an insult; he told me about a boy who was recently asked if he was gay by someone he didn’t know well, and the boy did feel like it was intended to make him feel other/different.

In a less-accepting environment, asking a question like that out of the blue could be a “mean girl” thing—a way of making OP’s daughter feel like something is weird/different about her. If that’s the case, OP, as others have said, make sure your daughter knows that there’s nothing wrong with being gay and that any “friend” who asks the question in way designed to make her uncomfortable is not operating in good faith.

All of that said, this is NOT something to talk to teachers or the other kid’s parents about. It’s also possible that the other kid is thinking about her own sexuality and looking for allies; you don’t know how teachers and parents would respond to that, either. So focus on ensuring your daughter knows that being gay is normal and that a friend would never use “gay” as a weapon.

[Anonymous]

I kinda think this isn't really appropriate discussion to be having at school. That said, DD should feel comfortable with whatever her answer may be and she should also be able to choose when and where she shares that info and she also can decide she doesn't want to share right now.

[Anonymous]

Why would you say anything to the other parent? That’s just odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kinda think this isn't really appropriate discussion to be having at school. That said, DD should feel comfortable with whatever her answer may be and she should also be able to choose when and where she shares that info and she also can decide she doesn't want to share right now.

THIS! It's fine to be gay or not but it's also fine to not want to talk about it. OP, make sure your daughter knows she doesn't have to answer every question she is asked. If she is asked anything that she is uncomfortable responding to, a good response is "Why do you ask?" And/or she can turn it back to the questioner, "Hmm, interesting question. What about you?" No one has the right to your information if you don't feel comfortable sharing.

No, don't tell the parents. Just empower your daughter.
Btw, I don't care how NBD it is, it's a rude question if you aren't close enough to already know the answer. Not everyone knows the answer for themselves yet, some people are more private, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here thank you all. Last few replies have been extremely helpful and are basically right where I was (except for asking for teacher guidance).
As I said, the question caught her off guard and made her uncomfortable b/c its the first question of its kind. She answered and asked "why do you ask."
She is surrounded by close family and friends who are LGBTQ community. They are a normal part of hers and our life and she knows should she ever be questioning she would receive our utmost support. But this wasn't about her feeling us out...the question just made her feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

It was just a random question, OP, stop riling up your kid, otherwise she's going to be even more oversensitive than she already is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My tween said one of her friends asked her if she was gay the other day. My DD didn't know what to say beyond "no" and "why are you asking?" Seems like an odd question for a kid to ask and DD felt really awkward and uncomfortable. I told her that her response was appropriate and asked if friend was asking others ... she did not know. The question really made my kid feel uncomfortable and I suggested she may want to talk to a teacher about it to put her at ease. Should I say something to the parent or just leave it alone?

Depends how well you know the other parent.
The question is definitely grossly inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

I'd RATHER be asked. When I was dating my first girlfriend in high school and we were making out in the hall, another girl came up to me later that day and goes, "Wow, you're dating a girl. We all actually thought you were gay." I was like, you thought I was gay for the LAST YEAR and nobody ever confirmed with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kinda think this isn't really appropriate discussion to be having at school.

Kids talk about everything. I was volunteering in a kindergarten classroom and overheard a debate about whether boys could marry other boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kinda think this isn't really appropriate discussion to be having at school.

Kids talk about everything. I was volunteering in a kindergarten classroom and overheard a debate about whether boys could marry other boys.

Perhaps it's good idea to teach kids that there is a time and place for everything and talking about personal issues/info at school probably isn't the best time/place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here thank you all. Last few replies have been extremely helpful and are basically right where I was (except for asking for teacher guidance).
As I said, the question caught her off guard and made her uncomfortable b/c its the first question of its kind. She answered and asked "why do you ask."
She is surrounded by close family and friends who are LGBTQ community. They are a normal part of hers and our life and she knows should she ever be questioning she would receive our utmost support. But this wasn't about her feeling us out...the question just made her feel uncomfortable.

She is probably worried that she is being perceived as gay for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here thank you all. Last few replies have been extremely helpful and are basically right where I was (except for asking for teacher guidance).
As I said, the question caught her off guard and made her uncomfortable b/c its the first question of its kind. She answered and asked "why do you ask."
She is surrounded by close family and friends who are LGBTQ community. They are a normal part of hers and our life and she knows should she ever be questioning she would receive our utmost support. But this wasn't about her feeling us out...the question just made her feel uncomfortable.

She is probably worried that she is being perceived as gay for some reason.

I don’t get that sense at all.