Unmarried Women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

Are you with a long-term partner?

Yes. My long-term partner is called Resilience. People, on the other hand, come and go.

Young Jedi, what you seem to be stuck on is this concept that another human being will commit to making you number one for the rest of your life.

This is a impossible feat.

The ideation of growing old together, constantly supporting each other, being equally yoked... all that is for the movies. Reality is that being “partners”, just like any other pairing of human beings, is generally more one-sided most of the time for a multitude of reasons. You’re in for a life in the Relationships forum.

I am kind of with you. I want the movie aspect of love/LT relationship and I have zero desire to deal with the real stuff (particularly the day to day stuff).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Also... being married does not mean being happy. Social media will trick you into thinking that it does... rarely do the pictures match up to real life. I know more unhappy married people than satisfied ones.

But still... They’ve at least at some point had someone tell them, “I love you. I want you to be my wife. I want you to be the mother of my children.” They were important to someone. I never was. I always said that if I had been on one of those planes on September 11, which was entirely possible, given my travels, no one would really miss me.

I am sorry that you are so sad.

Have you ever been in love, or had someone love you? What about family? They would miss you, no??

If you help many people, or make them happy, give them support...you will be important to many people.

A legal connection does not necessarily equal love, support, etc. Those things are gifts we choose to give each other in life. You can make that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

Are you with a long-term partner?

I am somewhat like you, which is probably why I am not married. But I am very contented with that outcome, and almost never envy my coupled friends. They seem to lack autonomy and are weary of the person they feel chained to for life.



Yes. My long-term partner is called Resilience. People, on the other hand, come and go.

Young Jedi, what you seem to be stuck on is this concept that another human being will commit to making you number one for the rest of your life.

This is a impossible feat.

The ideation of growing old together, constantly supporting each other, being equally yoked... all that is for the movies. Reality is that being “partners”, just like any other pairing of human beings, is generally more one-sided most of the time for a multitude of reasons. You’re in for a life in the Relationships forum.

I am kind of with you. I want the movie aspect of love/LT relationship and I have zero desire to deal with the real stuff (particularly the day to day stuff).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

This sums up what I've heard from most older women. Sure, there are those out there who married their best friends for life, etc., etc. But, there are many many out there who like their spouses just fine (and love them) but honestly wouldn't have minded being on their own for the last half of their life.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 18 years and the institution is overrated, imo. Yes, I'm a woman.

We're in a good patch right now, but we've been close to splitting a few times. Of my married friends, I can count on one hand the number with actually happy marriages. Most are actively unhappy or resigned.

There's no easy answer to this, so live your life and enjoy it. Nothing wrong with being single or having a freer kind of relationship.

[Anonymous]

Married 15 years here, got married late thirties and had kids even later. Was it the right choice for me? Absolutely? But would I say that I am DH's #1 or vice versa? definitely not. We have a working marriage--and it takes a lot of work! DH and I don't have a crazy-in-love relationship, but we have been able to make it hang together so far. OP you are right, a marriage takes tons and tons of compromise, often beyond what you thought it would take. So it is definitely not for everyone and not necessarily the happiest path even for those who have chosen it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not single but I am 48 so I will try to answer based on similarly aged friends.

Of the single women I know @ my age, many are single mothers by choice and are very happy, with a big friend and support group, lots of hobbies and interests, and occasional romantic relationships. It helps to make a decent living so that they can pay for a middle class or upper middle class life. Having a child or two makes it complicated to date but it doesn't seem to bother them.

A couple are single: one childfree and dating a guy a year older than her (she's 50) and one childless and not seeing anyone (she's @ 48). The 50 year old is happy and also glad to be in a relationship, but she was also quite fulfilled without one (she told me she had forgotten how wonderful sex was). But she is someone who seems very ambivalent about getting close to anyone (her current relationship is long distance).The 48 year old I think is very unhappy; she wants kids and committed relationship and hasn't had that ever. She seems despondent.

Re marriage and kids, I have been with my DH for 15 years. It is hard work to be in a relationship with someone for so long, t ok deal with all of the daily grind or parenting, chores, bill paying, etc. To deal with ageing bodies, rebooting desire,.passion and romance. To deal with midlife crises and roads not taken. But its wonderful to be going through life with a true partner, with someone who loves and cares about me, and is willing to do the hard work, who tries to please me, who accepts me with all my terrible faults, and makes.me laugh and smile. I think I would be very sad without knowing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

Are you with a long-term partner?

Yes. My long-term partner is called Resilience. People, on the other hand, come and go.

Young Jedi, what you seem to be stuck on is this concept that another human being will commit to making you number one for the rest of your life.

This is a impossible feat.

The ideation of growing old together, constantly supporting each other, being equally yoked... all that is for the movies. Reality is that being “partners”, just like any other pairing of human beings, is generally more one-sided most of the time for a multitude of reasons. You’re in for a life in the Relationships forum.

I am kind of with you. I want the movie aspect of love/LT relationship and I have zero desire to deal with the real stuff (particularly the day to day stuff).

Ehhhh - I got married in my late 30s. I married someone who really does put me first. Do we get along every second of the day? Hll no. Do we have the perfect life together, seamlessly enmeshed? No of course not. And my marriage has *plenty* of frustration and compromise.

But I have to say that one of the things I really do love about marriage is that I have someone who is on my team, all the time, no matter what. I was miserably unhappy in previous longterm relationships, because I didn't have that feeling of partnership (though the sex was good, and/or there were other things to make them worthwhile while I was in them). But I truly do believe that my husband loves me as much as my dog and my mom. It's why I am willing to make the compromises, that living in a house with another person requires.

Anyway, just a plug for marrying someone who DOES make you feel like you have a true partner, if you do decide to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

Are you with a long-term partner?

Yes. My long-term partner is called Resilience. People, on the other hand, come and go.

Young Jedi, what you seem to be stuck on is this concept that another human being will commit to making you number one for the rest of your life.

This is a impossible feat.

The ideation of growing old together, constantly supporting each other, being equally yoked... all that is for the movies. Reality is that being “partners”, just like any other pairing of human beings, is generally more one-sided most of the time for a multitude of reasons. You’re in for a life in the Relationships forum.

I am kind of with you. I want the movie aspect of love/LT relationship and I have zero desire to deal with the real stuff (particularly the day to day stuff).

Ehhhh - I got married in my late 30s. I married someone who really does put me first. Do we get along every second of the day? Hll no. Do we have the perfect life together, seamlessly enmeshed? No of course not. And my marriage has *plenty* of frustration and compromise.

But I have to say that one of the things I really do love about marriage is that I have someone who is on my team, all the time, no matter what. I was miserably unhappy in previous longterm relationships, because I didn't have that feeling of partnership (though the sex was good, and/or there were other things to make them worthwhile while I was in them). But I truly do believe that my husband loves me as much as my dog and my mom. It's why I am willing to make the compromises, that living in a house with another person requires.

Anyway, just a plug for marrying someone who DOES make you feel like you have a true partner, if you do decide to get married.

A while back, a friend was pulling out of my driveway, and a neighbor across the street was pulling out at the same time, and they backed into each other. I watched over the next few weeks as their husbands battled each other about which of their wives was at fault as the two women kind of stepped back, and I thought, wow, how nice it must be to have someone who will always advocate for you and have your back. It’s been so exhausting fighting all of life’s battles on my own.

I always wanted to be a “we.” I became a mom along the way, so we are a “we” in a way, but not the way this thread talks about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

Are you with a long-term partner?

This sounds great. But do you think this reliable partner is also usually someone you were very sexually attracted to early on, or do you wind up with a life partner like this by prioritizing other qualities?



Yes. My long-term partner is called Resilience. People, on the other hand, come and go.

Young Jedi, what you seem to be stuck on is this concept that another human being will commit to making you number one for the rest of your life.

This is a impossible feat.

The ideation of growing old together, constantly supporting each other, being equally yoked... all that is for the movies. Reality is that being “partners”, just like any other pairing of human beings, is generally more one-sided most of the time for a multitude of reasons. You’re in for a life in the Relationships forum.

I am kind of with you. I want the movie aspect of love/LT relationship and I have zero desire to deal with the real stuff (particularly the day to day stuff).

Ehhhh - I got married in my late 30s. I married someone who really does put me first. Do we get along every second of the day? Hll no. Do we have the perfect life together, seamlessly enmeshed? No of course not. And my marriage has *plenty* of frustration and compromise.

But I have to say that one of the things I really do love about marriage is that I have someone who is on my team, all the time, no matter what. I was miserably unhappy in previous longterm relationships, because I didn't have that feeling of partnership (though the sex was good, and/or there were other things to make them worthwhile while I was in them). But I truly do believe that my husband loves me as much as my dog and my mom. It's why I am willing to make the compromises, that living in a house with another person requires.

Anyway, just a plug for marrying someone who DOES make you feel like you have a true partner, if you do decide to get married.

[Anonymous]

So Jedi, you have been given the answers you seek.

Summation:

1. Invest in your personal emotional health and well-being.

2. Career is not a barometer for successful personal relationships.

3. Find time to invest in making yourself “number one” so that you are clear on what making another person “number one” looks like.

4. Don’t be a doormat 90 percent of the time just to get “happiness” 10 percent of the time. You will resent your partner down the line if you choose this pathway.

5. If you do choose to seek out a partnership with another human, be ready to be as accepting to manage his/her faults as you expect him/her to be to manage yours. And it’s ok to have dealbreakers.

6. The “day to day” is everything in life. Never forget that.

[Anonymous]

OP - marriage is all about compromise and if you have zero desire for that you would fail at marriage. My husband and I have been married a long time and “subliminal” compromise is a big part of why we are happy. We are both pretty low maintenance and we both want each other to be happy so compromises take place all the time, some big but most small. The only unmarried women I know who have never married would like to marry and the divorced women I know are probably split 50/50. But the divorced women who have no interest in remarrying do say that if they could have a relationship like I have they’d do it. I know that I am in a very lucky relationship and I don’t take it for granted. We have three children and a few little grandchildren and they really make being married to one guy for a long time worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

I am 47 and I told my husband that we are getting a divorce because I honestly hate being married. I like my freedom. I do not think that marriage is for everyone, and that is perfectly fine. I am a musician, I am never bored, I am always reading and studying and exploring and learning, I love to do my own thing, I love to travel alone, and I truly enjoy being by myself.
If you want to marry at some point, try it to see what you think. If you don't like it after the fact, divorce is easy. Life is short. Live it your way with no regrets. Hope this helps, OP. Good luck in all of your endeavors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am quite sure that no marriage is better than a bad marriage.

Take a peek at the non-explicit relationships forum on DCUM and you will see how many miserable married people are out there.

Fill your life with people who support you, good works and travel. It has been a successful formula for me.

I’ve had a bad marriage. It is a special type of hell. If I had a bad day at work, I hated coming home. People assume you have support that you really don’t. My then-H was home a lot and bad mouthed me to our neighbors. They were shocked after the divorce (I stayed in the community) to learn that I was nice and sane.

I agree that it gets tricky when you are older, but several women I know who were married and childless ended up in bad situations after a broken hip or dementia. Their husbands did nothing in the way of care and they ended up cared for by strangers anyway.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married 13 years. We have a great marriage but it is work. However, we have always wanted to do it. I think some people are marriage people and some aren’t.

To me the difference between a good marriage and a bad marriage is if you are inspired to do the work required. That depends on a lot of factors.

I married in my early 30’s. Being single is a lot of work too, IMO, just different.

I think happiness can be found either way.