Unmarried Women

[Anonymous]

Those that chose never to get married, are you happy?

What things have you done to ensure you are happy? Who is your community? Do you ever get sad you are no one’s #1?

I am only in my 30’s right now, but would love to hear from women you are older. I admit my last question makes me really sad sometimes, but then I also realize I have no desire to put in the work to be someone’s number 1. I have zero desire to compromise. I am not good at it and I’ve hated this aspect of the couple relationships I have been in.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think anyone really chooses to not marry. To be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone really chooses to not marry. To be honest.

Huh? Why is that?

OP here. Two of my three relationships, have been with very much family men. One got married not long after we broke up, the other would take me back if I called him right now. The third relationship was long distance - and that was excellent to me. I didn’t have to see him everyday. Add to the fact that I am almost 33 and I haven’t tried to date in over a year, I think a big of part of it is me just not wanting it. I am not someone who sits around and says they want something and then doesn’t do it.

[Anonymous]

I am divorced and as a result spend a lot of time nursing relationships with friends and family. I want to be the kooky fun auntie the kids remember fondly when I am too old to get around.

[Anonymous]

I am quite sure that no marriage is better than a bad marriage.

Take a peek at the non-explicit relationships forum on DCUM and you will see how many miserable married people are out there.

Fill your life with people who support you, good works and travel. It has been a successful formula for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, any chance you are depressed? This is unrelated to your question but rather to your comment about your general lack of motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those that chose never to get married, are you happy?

What things have you done to ensure you are happy? Who is your community? Do you ever get sad you are no one’s #1?

I am only in my 30’s right now, but would love to hear from women you are older. I admit my last question makes me really sad sometimes, but then I also realize I have no desire to put in the work to be someone’s number 1. I have zero desire to compromise. I am not good at it and I’ve hated this aspect of the couple relationships I have been in.

I'm 43 and didn't choose not to get married. Nobody's ever wanted to marry me. I have cousins who are 48 and 50 who are in the same boat. I am mostly happy, if I don't think about it. My community is friends and family and work and volunteering.

[Anonymous]

41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Also... being married does not mean being happy. Social media will trick you into thinking that it does... rarely do the pictures match up to real life. I know more unhappy married people than satisfied ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Also... being married does not mean being happy. Social media will trick you into thinking that it does... rarely do the pictures match up to real life. I know more unhappy married people than satisfied ones.

But still... They’ve at least at some point had someone tell them, “I love you. I want you to be my wife. I want you to be the mother of my children.” They were important to someone. I never was. I always said that if I had been on one of those planes on September 11, which was entirely possible, given my travels, no one would really miss me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone really chooses to not marry. To be honest.

Huh? Why is that?

OP here. Two of my three relationships, have been with very much family men. One got married not long after we broke up, the other would take me back if I called him right now. The third relationship was long distance - and that was excellent to me. I didn’t have to see him everyday. Add to the fact that I am almost 33 and I haven’t tried to date in over a year, I think a big of part of it is me just not wanting it. I am not someone who sits around and says they want something and then doesn’t do it.

Lady, you are asking if others are sad that they aren’t someone’s number 1. You clearly want to be married, you just haven’t found the right one. Or maybe you have but you’re too busy pretending you don’t care. Just because someone’s a “family man” (not even sure what that means if you have no family) doesn’t mean they are the right match.

Pray tell why you don’t want to be married. Your last sentence speaks volumes about your issues. Marriage isn’t something you just snap your fingers and do. You have a very strange way of approaching all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

Are you with a long-term partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Also... being married does not mean being happy. Social media will trick you into thinking that it does... rarely do the pictures match up to real life. I know more unhappy married people than satisfied ones.

But still... They’ve at least at some point had someone tell them, “I love you. I want you to be my wife. I want you to be the mother of my children.” They were important to someone. I never was. I always said that if I had been on one of those planes on September 11, which was entirely possible, given my travels, no one would really miss me.

Telling someone they are loved in the moment and actually living a life in wedlock are two very different things.

There are no guarantees that, even if you do get married, you’ll be your partners number one.

I know many more wives that become number 5, 6, 7 to the husbands career, social life, friends, affair partners, depression, drinking, gambling, video game playing... sports watching...


Honey, you really need to stop being fixated on someone validating you through marriage. With your responses, you have all the makings of a doormat wife.

Therapy. STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance you are depressed? This is unrelated to your question but rather to your comment about your general lack of motivation.

OP here - nope. Pretty motivated in my career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 here, three kids, never married. One on they way.

Lessons learned:

1. Always be your own #1. Always. When you find yourself falling into the trap of perceived lack ( lack of spouse, lack of finances etc) remember that there are those who wish they had a quarter of what you do.

2. People/Relationships change. I asked my 94 year old grandmother once what she would have gone back and done differently. She was married to my grandfather for over 60 years to his death. Her answer: “I would have left your grandfather around year 25 and lived a free life.”

3. Cherish what you have each day. If you do decide to marry, do not marry for fear of being alone. Live your life with kindness and joy and you will never be alone.

Are you with a long-term partner?

Yes. My long-term partner is called Resilience. People, on the other hand, come and go.

Young Jedi, what you seem to be stuck on is this concept that another human being will commit to making you number one for the rest of your life.

This is a impossible feat.

The ideation of growing old together, constantly supporting each other, being equally yoked... all that is for the movies. Reality is that being “partners”, just like any other pairing of human beings, is generally more one-sided most of the time for a multitude of reasons. You’re in for a life in the Relationships forum.