Vent about kids’ helping out with cleanup
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Anonymous
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If 21:52 is you, OP, I think the problem is that cleaning up after themselves isn't an expectation. As soon as they push back, your are offering a reward for doing it (e.g. texting a friend for a playdate).
My kids are 3 and 6, and there is no reward for putting their toys away. There are consequences if they don't put them away. If this hasn't been the norm in your house to-date, you might need to have a family meeting to say this is the new expectation...but I don't think, if you are consistent, it's unsalvageable. |
Anonymous
| ^^PP again. Also, it's a small mental shift, but your kids aren't "helping out" with cleaning up after themselves. They are cleaning up after themselves, as everyone in the household does. Truth-be-told, I almost always do some pick up after kids have been playing with toys all day, but I always frame it as me helping the kids with their responsibility for cleaning up. |
Anonymous
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OP you gotta start small and build habits. It seems like you’re trying a bunch of different things but with no consequence.
Tell your kids they need to put all their toys away. Tell them if they don’t take care of their toys, you’ll put them away for a while. Make sure they understand and then don’t tell them again. Then after they go to bed, take whatever didn’t get put away in trash bags and stick it in the attic. They will learn fast. |
Anonymous
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For my kids, what works is "first then". I don't tell my kids "if you clean up you can . . . " or "if you don't clean up you can't . . . " I just tell them to clean up (or do whatever), and then nothing else happens until it's clean. I might say "clean up and then we'll go to the park" or "please clean up and then we'll have lunch". If, during that time when they haven't yet cleaned up, they started to do something that wasn't cleaning up, then I'd intervene. So, if a friend stopped by to ask them to come out to play, I might say "sure, he'll be out as soon as he cleans up." Or if he saw that I was getting lunch made and asked for some, I'd say "I'll put your food here for when you're finished cleaning up and have washed your hands". If they asked for the video game controller, I'd say no.
My kids' lives include a lot of fun, whether that's playing outside or building legos or whatever. The ratio of fun to work is pretty high. So, when the fun stops, they notice, and they want to get back to it. |
Anonymous
W T F did I just read? Op, you are making this wayyyyy too hard. Just start with “Kids, in five minutes we have to clean up the toys before we leave for x fun activity. 5, you do the cars and train tracks. 8, you do the other stuff”. As long as you are consistent they will get it. So make sure whatever the activity is, you can cancel if you need to. |
Anonymous
| I've made picking up after yourself a way of life in my house from the time my kids were very young. It's just something we do. I agree with the PP who said to start small and build habits. It only takes a few seconds to put a toy, blanket or cup away. It's much easier to teach children to put an item away after they are done using it than to direct them to pick up a whole room at the end of the day. It's frustrating on both ends. Instill better habits so it doesn't come to that every day. And no, I'm not OCD that everything must be put away all of the time, but we don't leave cups, blankets, games etc all over the living room when we go to bed. |
Anonymous
| I'm all for positive discipline, but if that's not working you need to move to consequences-- especially for something basic and mandatory. Our kids are 3 and 5, and they know they will face a consequence if they don't clean up the toys. Toys go in time out, kids go to their rooms, no bedtime TV show until you do it, etc. |
Anonymous
| There need to be negative consequences to not doing what they’re told. Right now, they know there’s no consequence to not cleaning up, but if they drag their feet enough, you might offer them something really good in exchange. This has trained them to refuse until you sweeten the deal to their satisfaction. |
Anonymous
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Im sorry youre frustrated. Heres whats worked for me (kids are 7,5 and 3):
1. Have specific homes for stuff. Books are scooped up and dumped in a wicker floor basket just for books. MAGnatiles in a big rubbermaid. Crayons in a big container. Sometimes temporarily store toys in basement so theyre out of the rotation. 2. Kid wants to do something. I say, "sure, first do xyz (clear your dishes, put away your shoes, let out the dog, whatever) real quick and we'll do that fun thing" 3. Keep my own room immaculate so i have a space of sanity. Lock the door and tell them the floor is lava, hah. 4. Involve them in laundry. Started with sorting out all the socks or dishrags. Progressed to sorting by fam member. Now they can fold towels, match and fold socks, put away. 5. Accepted their different personalities. My oldest is kind of lazy but super motivated by carrots. So he will do laundry tasks or clean up if theres a candy as reward. My middle loves tools (we got him a shop vac for xmas and our garage floor has been immaculate since hah ) so thats his cleaning groove. 3 year old is hopefully just absorbing our culture of keeping a tidy home together |
Anonymous
| my 2 year old picks up a toy before moving on to the next toy. It's annoying to enforce, but I do it because it's the only way for him to learn you clean up after yourself. Stop asking, start telling. Stop choosing the path of least resistance. |
Anonymous
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I agree with others that there need to be consequences for not doing the cleanup as asked - either loss of screen time or something else desirable or loss of the toys themselves. It sounds like this hasn’t been the case so far, so I think I would start with a family meeting where you lay out the new expectations. It’s a perfect time for it - new year, new plan.
I agree with the posters who say that it helps a lot to break the task into smaller chunks. “Larla, you pick up the transformers while Olivia picks up the blocks. I will help you by picking up this puzzle.” Then as each kid finishes a job, they get a new one. If they don’t do their job, they face a consequence. And if one kid finishes cleaning up their share of the mess while the other one is still dawdling, that one gets to go do something fun while the other one finishes cleaning. And if you are helping them, you only clean if they are actively cleaning. It also helps to stop and have smaller cleanup breaks during the day sometimes - not to clean up everything but if you notice that they abandoned the legos an hour ago and moved on to the toy kitchen, make them stop and pick up just the legos. Make sure more or less everything has a designated place. It lessens the mess in the first place if they don’t have to dump out all the toys to find the one they want. |
Anonymous
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I have 5 year old twins. Here's how I do it: "Larla1 and Larla2, I am setting the timer. You have 10 minutes to clean up. If you do not pick them up before the timer goes off, you lose 10 minutes of TV." I then make a big show of setting the timer on my phone. And then specifically tell them what to clean up, otherwise they get overwhelmed. "Larla1 - put all the Barbie stuff back in the basket and put the magnatiles away. Larla2 - put the book and blanket back in your room"
You have to follow through on the consequence if they don't clean up! It usually only takes once to get their attention and know you mean business. |
Anonymous
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Keeping the house picked up needs to be a family expectation, not a favor. I would stop the bribery for things that should just be expectations. Consequences are that you cannot have playdates in the house, go out to do other things, or lose the right to play with toys that aren’t “easy” enough for the kids to pick up on their own.
As part of the family team, the fo not have to cook, clean, wash laundry, etc., so picking up their toys is their main responsibility. |
Anonymous
| Mine usually can’t do screen time until they’ve cleaned. |
Anonymous
yes this is what I was going to recommend. Make it a part of routine. it will take time and I know you're tired so this will be hard at first because you're going to have to kind of make a plan and stick to it. You're going to have to talk them through how things will be different and decide what are the things they participate in. But once it becomes a habit and a routine it will get much better. We have these to help us have a routine in case it's helpful: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01B3GQNP0/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 |