Feel like the happiest marriages/couples are childless.... just me?

[Anonymous]

I think the “divorce statistics” people are citing to are skewed. It’s just easier for childless couples to divorce if they need to. I’m willing to bet the numbers are different if you took a poll of the percentage of people who desperately wish they could divorce but stay together “for the kids.”

The divorce numbers don’t equate to happiness among couples with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s different for different people. I think there’s a small subset of childless people who never wanted kids, never blinked about it, and are thrilled.

I think there’s another group of childless people who are childless because they seem to know, even if they don’t say it out loud, that their marriage could never handle the stress. They delay having a kid, sometimes until it’s too late, because they don’t want to rock the boat. Most of the child free divorces among the under 40 set that I’ve seen seem to fall into this category.

I think there’s another group of people who are in great relationships but don’t want kids, or delay them until the last minute, because one or both of them have a lot of baggage from their upbringing, and they just don’t want to risk going there.

While I’ll get flamed for this, I think a lot of childless couples are just simply untested and that’s why they appear happy for now. Having a child is intense. Waking up every few hours, being unable to just pick up and go, infant care in major metro areas costing over $2k/kid, balancing two jobs, the list goes on... I’ve seen the baby/toddler years get the best of couples that previously seemed incredibly happy.

Adding children to a marriage can often make things that would not be a problem in a no-kid marriage into a massive problem (e.g. husband with ADHD).

So, no, I don’t think that child free people are happier. I think oftentimes the just might be in a relationship that isn’t well equipped to muscle through something difficult and thrive under pressure.

Sort of off topic, but I think the reason many second marriages are able to survive is due to joint custody. I’ve known a few couples like this, where the shared custody seems to act as built in babysitting for the new couple. While second marriages are a whole other ball of wax, they’re able to escape having the constant pressure of the little kid, or teen years, or whatever on them, 100% of the time.

So, they are happier because they aren't miserable. Okay.

You could also say that happy couples with children are only happy because they haven't been tested enough by having a child die from leukemia, or dealing with a parent with aggression from dementia moving in with them, or what have you.

[Anonymous]

I know some childless couples and they are less stressed that couples with kids. But as we have grown older 50+ the childless couples seem more lonely, burying their own parents and becoming widowed. So it's a trade off, less stress or loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Childless by choice here, been married to DH 18 years. Yes, it is probably easier - if nothing else, we're DINKS and don't worry about or fight over money, which is one of the main marriage stressors. We have had some 'forged in fire' years and getting through those definitely made us stronger as a couple, but nothing like what I imagine co-parenting would do. I don't know if our marriage would survive having kids, and I don't want to find out. I'm okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my circle, the only people who still seem smitten with their husbands are the people who haven’t had kids yet (or the couple who can’t have any). I’ve started to think it’s having kids, rather than getting older or being together longer, that really makes it impossible to keep the magic going. Date nights can’t make up for feeling like 98% of the time you're coworkers suffering and bickering together beneath the reign of a small, irrational, easily upset (and also adorable and irreplaceable) tyrant. You love each other, and feel jubilant and euphoric watching them open presents. But before kids you feel jubilant with HIM. After kids... there’s just so much more to think about, so much more work to get done, that the magic fades.

I know it’ll all be worth it in the end — but I wonder... is the letdown just a natural part of kids coming into the picture?

You have no idea what you're in for. Just wait for teenagers! You will long for the tyrant toddlers. Children become delightful at around age 25!

[Anonymous]

Like the PP I also think the divorce stats are skewed. I imagine most of the discrepancy is explained by people who marry and divorce quickly, before kids come on the scene. I'd bet if you look at stats for people who divorce after 5 or even 10 years of marriage, it's wildly skewed in favor of those with kids. Kids are hard work and create lots more opportunities for differences between spouses!!

My kids have not helped my marriage. But if I could do it all over again, I'd choose the path of having kids (with all the stress and difficulties and worry and costs) over a happier marriage. Watching your kids grow up, become their own people, and hopefully find their way in the world is an incredible gift.

[Anonymous]

I read once that it was true. Couples without children are the happiest. Too late for us but I do believe it.

[Anonymous]

I feel like having kids has brought my husband and me closer together.

It’s a hugely important project we share.

The one person who is as interested in them and knows them as well as me is him. Sometimes we can have entire conversations about them with just a few words or even a certain look because we know them so well and are on the same page about certain things.

I don’t even want to imagine doing this without him.

I think it’s hard in the beginning as you make the transition to being parents but then it brings you much closer than childless couples who just don’t know what it’s like.

[Anonymous]

Are childless couples happier, maybe in some ways, but I don’t think you can underestimate the true happiness and fulfillment that comes from having children (assuming you wanted them).

My mom’s sister is married but she and my uncle never wanted children. They live a good life and have traveled the world, but she had confided in me that she always get like something was missing. She and my uncle are extremely introverted and wanted a “quiet” life, but she said there have been many times where she felt lonely and like she really missed out on something that would have been amazing.

I am in my early 40s and just have one friend who is married without kids by choice. She has also told me that she loves it now, but often wonders how she and her husband will fill the rest of their lives without something “more”. Even though she has a big circle of friends everyone has families of their own so it’s not like they have people to get together with all the time. She also says she and her husband bicker a lot since it’s just the two of them all the time.

[Anonymous]

Child-free, not childless.

[Anonymous]

About the same time Child free couples are Wondering what’s next so are empty nesters. But child free have $ and freedom ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my circle, the only people who still seem smitten with their husbands are the people who haven’t had kids yet (or the couple who can’t have any). I’ve started to think it’s having kids, rather than getting older or being together longer, that really makes it impossible to keep the magic going. Date nights can’t make up for feeling like 98% of the time you're coworkers suffering and bickering together beneath the reign of a small, irrational, easily upset (and also adorable and irreplaceable) tyrant. You love each other, and feel jubilant and euphoric watching them open presents. But before kids you feel jubilant with HIM. After kids... there’s just so much more to think about, so much more work to get done, that the magic fades.

I know it’ll all be worth it in the end — but I wonder... is the letdown just a natural part of kids coming into the picture?

That is how I feel anyway...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About the same time Child free couples are Wondering what’s next so are empty nesters. But child free have $ and freedom ...

I'm 35 with a sibling close in age and my parents have always said we were the best thing to ever happen to them. Solid marriage and GREAT parents. And yet...my now retired parents were showing me a holiday email from their rich DINK friends and sighed, "they just lead SUCH full lives!" Yeah, they're psyched about the 2020 grandkid, but there's no one way to do things. They'll be shelling out for an Airbnb to help with diaper duty, their friends will be on a 6 month tour of the South Pacific. Nothing wrong with either, they all lead full lives, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like the PP I also think the divorce stats are skewed. I imagine most of the discrepancy is explained by people who marry and divorce quickly, before kids come on the scene. I'd bet if you look at stats for people who divorce after 5 or even 10 years of marriage, it's wildly skewed in favor of those with kids. Kids are hard work and create lots more opportunities for differences between spouses!!

My kids have not helped my marriage. But if I could do it all over again, I'd choose the path of having kids (with all the stress and difficulties and worry and costs) over a happier marriage. Watching your kids grow up, become their own people, and hopefully find their way in the world is an incredible gift.

Yeah, the "mulligan marriages" or "starter marriages" have to play into this. The number of people I've been friends with who were married and divorced with no kids by 30ish is pretty high. You'd have to look at marriage 2, mostly with kids, for a more accurate stat.

[Anonymous]

I think those couples with one child are probably the happiest.

We have one, though not by choice (due to unexplained secondary infertility), and while it was very upsetting while we were going through the secondary infertility (we tried for 5 years with no luck to have a second), we are happy now.

With one child, we are able to experience all the joys of parenthood, but the stress is limited since we only have one child. Husband and I each have plenty of time for ourselves since one of us is with DS while the other has time to themselves (like on the weekends, one of us gets Saturday morning to themselves while the other takes DS to activities, then we switch on Sundays).

We still have plenty of family time but DH and I have time to have our own hobbies and interests. DH and I both have several hobbies that we have time to do. We also have plenty of time to nurture our marriage. We entertain frequently, mainly hosting family friendly events. I have time for friendships and see my friends often.

We take lots of vacations with DS, and these feel like real vacations because it's easier to travel with one child. On vacations, DH and I both get time to ourselves on vacations (one of us takes DS to an activity of his choice while the other does what they want to do, then we switch).

Overall, while having an only child isn't something I would have chosen originally, it has worked out just fine and I think we are less stressed and our marriage is stronger than most of our friends who have 2 + kids.