Feel like the happiest marriages/couples are childless.... just me?

[Anonymous]

In my circle, the only people who still seem smitten with their husbands are the people who haven’t had kids yet (or the couple who can’t have any). I’ve started to think it’s having kids, rather than getting older or being together longer, that really makes it impossible to keep the magic going. Date nights can’t make up for feeling like 98% of the time you're coworkers suffering and bickering together beneath the reign of a small, irrational, easily upset (and also adorable and irreplaceable) tyrant. You love each other, and feel jubilant and euphoric watching them open presents. But before kids you feel jubilant with HIM. After kids... there’s just so much more to think about, so much more work to get done, that the magic fades.

I know it’ll all be worth it in the end — but I wonder... is the letdown just a natural part of kids coming into the picture?

[Anonymous]

Hey, it’s easy to keep the magic going when it’s all sunshine and roses, right? But toughing it out during the childhood years together is the “forged in fire” part of your marriage. It really sucks sometimes, and you will definitely fight, but for me those moments of “holy crap why did we have kids” are the ones bringing us together the most.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean “it will all be worth it in the end”?

[Anonymous]

During the teen years, it's actually awesome to have my spouse around so we can laugh together (and roll our eyes) at some of the things that come out of their mouths.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have two kids and are still very much in love, have plenty of sex (not as much when they were little, but once they were STTN and not nursing). I think it’s just if you found the right person and you worked hard to maintain a good relationship (communication)

[Anonymous]

I think that is mostly true. BUT for me I would have felt empty and like a big piece was missing if I did not have kids. Not everyone feels like that though. To each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean “it will all be worth it in the end”?

LOL. Let me tell you we are STILL waiting...

- 3 kids in 20s!

[Anonymous]

Of course it it. Kids are exhausting, stressful, expensive and emotionally draining - even the easy ones. Humans only have so much capacity to deal with it all. Sharing that capacity with kids takes away your ability to share it with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have two kids and are still very much in love, have plenty of sex (not as much when they were little, but once they were STTN and not nursing). I think it’s just if you found the right person and you worked hard to maintain a good relationship (communication)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it it. Kids are exhausting, stressful, expensive and emotionally draining - even the easy ones. Humans only have so much capacity to deal with it all. Sharing that capacity with kids takes away your ability to share it with your spouse.

But sharing the responsibility with a partner leaves just enough capacity to maintain your relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been to 4 weddings that have ended in divorce — 3 were childless couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it it. Kids are exhausting, stressful, expensive and emotionally draining - even the easy ones. Humans only have so much capacity to deal with it all. Sharing that capacity with kids takes away your ability to share it with your spouse.

But sharing the responsibility with a partner leaves just enough capacity to maintain your relationship.

Very true, but not at the same level as childless couples. And, how many couples actually split all the child and household responsibilities equally? Often it actually negatively affects their relationship.

[Anonymous]

66% of divorces are of childless couples. The divorce rate for childless couples has always been double that of couples with children. There could be many reasons for this, but I doubt it has to do with childless couples being happier together. I think any intense life events can stress a marriage, and over time you are bound to experience everyday issues such as health problems, change of career, existential crisis, etc.

You might be projecting a bit because you were happier pre-kids. It happens. Some people feel very tied down by responsibility. For others, marriage goes through hard times but through that you get to true, til death do us part intimacy.

[Anonymous]

This is true- on average the happiest marriages are childless. Research backs this up.

But like PPs said it’s certainly possible to have strong, loving marriages with kids. It helps to have a strong foundation and limited other stresses (healthy kids and spouses, minimal financial stresses, etc)

[Anonymous]

I think it’s different for different people. I think there’s a small subset of childless people who never wanted kids, never blinked about it, and are thrilled.

I think there’s another group of childless people who are childless because they seem to know, even if they don’t say it out loud, that their marriage could never handle the stress. They delay having a kid, sometimes until it’s too late, because they don’t want to rock the boat. Most of the child free divorces among the under 40 set that I’ve seen seem to fall into this category.

I think there’s another group of people who are in great relationships but don’t want kids, or delay them until the last minute, because one or both of them have a lot of baggage from their upbringing, and they just don’t want to risk going there.

While I’ll get flamed for this, I think a lot of childless couples are just simply untested and that’s why they appear happy for now. Having a child is intense. Waking up every few hours, being unable to just pick up and go, infant care in major metro areas costing over $2k/kid, balancing two jobs, the list goes on... I’ve seen the baby/toddler years get the best of couples that previously seemed incredibly happy.

Adding children to a marriage can often make things that would not be a problem in a no-kid marriage into a massive problem (e.g. husband with ADHD).

So, no, I don’t think that child free people are happier. I think oftentimes the just might be in a relationship that isn’t well equipped to muscle through something difficult and thrive under pressure.

Sort of off topic, but I think the reason many second marriages are able to survive is due to joint custody. I’ve known a few couples like this, where the shared custody seems to act as built in babysitting for the new couple. While second marriages are a whole other ball of wax, they’re able to escape having the constant pressure of the little kid, or teen years, or whatever on them, 100% of the time.