Question to Teachers: What is it like dealing with parents?

[Anonymous]

Dealing with parents is like dealing with customers in a restaurant. Some treat you with respect, some treat you like garbage.

There's been a shift in education over the last decade or so where everything is our fault. I had three students cheat on a test. The first child's parent said that it was my fault. I didn't prepare him enough, so "naturally" he cheated. The second parent said that it was unfair that I talked to his child about plagiarism without first consulting the parents on the best way to broach the subject. I made the child feel guilty. The last parent told me that I talked the test up too much, and the anxiety is what drove the student to cheat. In each of these cases, my principal agreed with the parents that the students should be allowed to retake the test for full credit.

They say that people don't leave jobs, they leave bosses. If I leave teaching, it will be because of the parents, not the students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with parents is like dealing with customers in a restaurant. Some treat you with respect, some treat you like garbage.

There's been a shift in education over the last decade or so where everything is our fault. I had three students cheat on a test. The first child's parent said that it was my fault. I didn't prepare him enough, so "naturally" he cheated. The second parent said that it was unfair that I talked to his child about plagiarism without first consulting the parents on the best way to broach the subject. I made the child feel guilty. The last parent told me that I talked the test up too much, and the anxiety is what drove the student to cheat. In each of these cases, my principal agreed with the parents that the students should be allowed to retake the test for full credit.

They say that people don't leave jobs, they leave bosses. If I leave teaching, it will be because of the parents, not the students.

Then your principal is an idiot. Parents will parents. They are emotional because they are talking about their child. Doesn't mean we should cave into their irrational demands.

[Anonymous]

I have loved all my parents. Even with difficult children. I have had good relationships with all of them. This is because I view their kids as my own, tell them that, and they know I have their childs' best interest at heart with any decision I make. I try not to badger but make aware any concerns in a professional manner. I also go above and beyond for my families: some were wealthy but dealing with coping and personal tragedy. Others were struggling in the worst way. I would listen, let them vent, help them look for jobs, temp housing, help with aging or sick parents ( I went through that so knew what to do), found free grief therapy for a child and Dad who lost a Mom, gave my own kids' clothes to a child I adored but were penniless and living with terrible fosters, and bought lunch for a child with no food at home. People have problems and need help. See past defensiveness and offer a helping hand. Learn why they hover over their baby: they might have paid dearly to have him or her, listen, and never judge.

Signed a damn good teacher of 11 years who still has patents keep in touch since my student teaching days ( kids are now in college)

[Anonymous]

* patents s/b parents

[Anonymous]

I really try to remember they just love their kids and want what is best for them. It helps me forgive/not take personally their demeanor and actions sometimes. The biggest issues are:

-their willingness to believe a kid, who has reason to lie about turning in an assignment or doing something, actually did submit something when I, who have nothing to gain or lose here, say they didn’t. Google classroom time stamps stuff. It will also show if something is entirely missing. If I say I don’t have it, please realize I have no reason to lie about that. Your kid, who knows you’re mad and might ground him, DOES have reason to lie.

-I’m on your side. I want what is best for your kid. IF I move their seat or take their phone, I’m not doing it to punish them, I’m doing it because I am helping them be successful. I cannot make them do work and if they’re choosing to fail they might no matter what but I will not make it easy or enjoyable for them to choose to fail.

-it is really obvious when you do their work for them and that DOES NOT HELP THEM. Remember, I see the time stamps. I print out examples of their actual real work done in class and then the examples of magically perfect writing that are done at 9:30 pm when they’re home with you. I provide that as data to case managers when they ask for progress updates. But when your kid has a timed write in class you can’t do for them and they didn’t learn the writing skills that you didn’t let me teach them, it will show. I am not afraid to bring that up at your IEP review either.

-please don’t accuse me of not providing accommodations if your kid isn’t doing well. I am providing every single one AND MORE usually, but if they are not turning in work, I CAN’T GRADE IT. I am only part of helping your child succeed; they are the main person to look at if their grade is low.

-I don’t expect you to work miracles at home. I get you’re not perfect and neither are they. So please extend me the same grace. I can’t work miracles either.

-please just love and accept your child for who they are. They might be a C student when they try their best and that’s ok. You insisting they’re at a higher level or can handle an honors level + when they can’t makes everyone’s life harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

This is hard to envision is true.

Sadly, it rings true to me. The bolder used to happen to me until I started sharing my pre-teaching degrees and career on BTSN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

This is hard to envision is true.

Sadly, it rings true to me. The bolder used to happen to me until I started sharing my pre-teaching degrees and career on BTSN.

Yeah, peep any thread on this forum of parents talking about teachers. They do not hold us in high esteem or value our jobs or expertise. They think teaching is a joke and they could do it better and if we were actually intelligent we would've picked a different career.

[Anonymous]

Most parents are really understanding and pleasant to work with. I teach high school and often here “But my child has always been a straight A student.” Please don’t say this. It is not helpful or productive. Focusing on how they earned straight A’s or 4s in middle and elementary school does not help years later when they are struggling in high school. Some parents are so focused on the past that they can’t see and appropriately support their child’s current situation. Honors, AP and/or IB isn’t appropriate for everyone just because they earned straight 4s when they were 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most parents are really understanding and pleasant to work with. I teach high school and often here “But my child has always been a straight A student.” Please don’t say this. It is not helpful or productive. Focusing on how they earned straight A’s or 4s in middle and elementary school does not help years later when they are struggling in high school. Some parents are so focused on the past that they can’t see and appropriately support their child’s current situation. Honors, AP and/or IB isn’t appropriate for everyone just because they earned straight 4s when they were 10.

Interesting. Do you ever hear: "but my child was in AAP". just curious.

[Anonymous]

12:29 again. To answer one of OPs questions. Some kids are like their parents and some are not. Some behave overly entitled because of their parent’s poor behavior and others come in apologizing for the way they know their parents treat the teachers. I’ve never met a teacher who judges students based on their parents. It’s similar to how siblings can be so different and from the same family. I know my children are very different despite being raised by the same parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents are really understanding and pleasant to work with. I teach high school and often here “But my child has always been a straight A student.” Please don’t say this. It is not helpful or productive. Focusing on how they earned straight A’s or 4s in middle and elementary school does not help years later when they are struggling in high school. Some parents are so focused on the past that they can’t see and appropriately support their child’s current situation. Honors, AP and/or IB isn’t appropriate for everyone just because they earned straight 4s when they were 10.

Interesting. Do you ever hear: "but my child was in AAP". just curious.

Not really. AAP isn’t specifically mentioned but a more general As in advanced math. Northern VA is a transient area so often students have not been here for all of elementary school. AAP isn’t discussed much by high school, at least to me as a teacher or mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a SN parent who encountered the full range of teachers (and other school professionals) from horrendous to wonderful, this occurred to me and wish more people woudl consider this as a framework:

Think of 2 axes (i.e. x-y as in math). The Y-axis is the perspective of the parent--the parent's experience of the child over time. The x-axis is the perspective of the parent--the child as compared to, or in the context of, his/her education with his peers. Both dimensions are needed to really see the child in terms of education.

This idea came from something specific--some kind of emotional/behavioral checklist that was done by 6 different people when DS was 12, I don't recall the name of the instrument. At the time he was actually in a therapeutic placement. Checklists were done by his therapeutic caregiver, his dad, myself, and 3 teachers. There was a striking difference in how behavior was perceived comparing the teachers to the other 3 of us, and it jumped out at me that the perception basically boiled down to us focused on what we understood of his internal self and the teachers in terms of his external self. I remember looking online to see if these differences had been studied by anyone (in general) and I did come across some things suggesting that they were.

But if either--parent or teacher--insists on his or her view as the only correct view, basically they are taking their one dimension as the only dimension that matters. These perspectives should complement each other, not necessarily be weighed on a scale as to which is more valid.

Wait... wha??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

Yet, she was perfectly fine with someone who's lacking intelligence being her child's educator?

What in the wide world of sports is wrong with people??

Did you hold your tongue?

If you did respond, please tell us what you said
(I hope it was undercover snarky, so she didn't understand in that very moment that you were insulting her, but realized it later on when she recanted the story to her DH, lol).

[Anonymous]

May I offer my perspective as a parent?
I have a quirky, not always pleasant child who is bright but doesn’t like school, and his ability to tolerate boring but necessary is lower than average. He is also a child, and it is hard for him to stay on good behavior when he is bored/doesn’t want to be there.
This is not a great set of personal qualities for traditional school and my only response to a teacher is “thank you for letting me know, we will work on it”.
However, I do feel that most teachers only look at two things: is this kid performing on grade level or higher? And- is this kid making my life more difficult or not?
Honestly, this year in 4th it is the first time I met a teacher who admitted that traditional school is just not a good fit for some kids, and he is trying to meet such kids in the middle (they have to work on their attitude too). He is the one who doesn’t make me or my child feel less than, and at the same time we are truly willing to work with him.
Most teachers just think that school is something that everyone should adore and always give best effort to, and if not, there is something wrong with the child and parents who cannot “make” the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

This is hard to envision is true.

Yes, all the damn time with this type of nonsense. We have mom/managers that talk to us like we are the help rather than educated professionals with their child's best interests at heart. My most poorly behaved students have parents with blinders on and an axe to grind with anyone showing them the truth.

Wow. I only know my two kids so I always appreciate wisdom and guidance from teachers who have seen hundreds of kids my kids’ age. I’m sorry to those who are disrespected.