Middle School Girl Drama: commiserate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not middle school girl drama. This is textbook bullying. Screenshot and get to the counselor at school asap. This is NOT normal.

This +1 million. The parents of these girls should be made aware of their bad behavior and going through the guidance counselor is a good way to do it.

What's the difference between texting "we don't want you to hang out with us" and verbally telling her "we don't want you to hang out with us"? Do kids not have the right to tell someone that they don't want you to hang out with them?

BTW, when I was a teen eons ago, I did have girls say this to me verbally. Yes, it hurt, but was it bullying? What constitutes bullying now?

It's bullying if they hang out with her then text things like "we don't like you."

And this is definitely serious bullying - "As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD."

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. That is despicable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm looking for advice so much as to commiserate. Middle school sucks, and it's so hard watching your kids deal with mean kids.

DD has just started 6th grade in a private where kids stay together through 8th grade. She has always been a confident, social kid who made friends easily. She has been good friends with one girl since third grade. Over the summer, "Larla" has become close with a group of girls who all live in her neighborhood (different than ours). Understandably, they got together a lot and didn't invite DD. However, Larla begged me to let DD start texting with her, and I allowed it (on my phone), so that they could keep in touch. Over the summer it was fine and friendly. As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD. Sometimes they outright say things like, "Why do you hang out with us? Some of us don't like you." (My DD is very upfront about the fact that it's my number, but these girls have either forgotten or don't care that I can see everything they text.) It is clear to me that Larla is pushing DD away to cement herself with this new group. The added bummer is that DD is stuck with several members of this new group in her homeroom. She is doing what she has always done and trying to be friendly with the people she is placed with, but it is clear this group doesn't want her as a new addition.

At this point, all I can do is support her and be her safe space. I try to talk to her about friends vs. frenemies etc., but man is it painful to watch. Ugh.

This is St Pat’s by any chance?

Yes, it's St. Pat's. How did you know??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not middle school girl drama. This is textbook bullying. Screenshot and get to the counselor at school asap. This is NOT normal.

This +1 million. The parents of these girls should be made aware of their bad behavior and going through the guidance counselor is a good way to do it.

What's the difference between texting "we don't want you to hang out with us" and verbally telling her "we don't want you to hang out with us"? Do kids not have the right to tell someone that they don't want you to hang out with them?

BTW, when I was a teen eons ago, I did have girls say this to me verbally. Yes, it hurt, but was it bullying? What constitutes bullying now?

It's bullying if they hang out with her then text things like "we don't like you."

And this is definitely serious bullying - "As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD."

The bold above is what pushes this situation beyond garden-variety meanness and into calculated bullying, if it's repeatedly targeting one girl.

OP, please USE the advantage you have: You're in a private school that might actually do something about it (many publics just couldn't). Is there a school counselor? Go to that person and do not neglect to emphasize that the girls are faking texts so they appear to be from others--that is not only just nasty to your DD, it is a tactic that could get these girls into even bigger trouble. If it's a religious private, these girls need a serious come-to-Jesus talk about why their behavior is exceptionally cruel. They also need to hear that pretending to be someone else (effectively what they're doing) may seem harmless fun to them now but is morally wrong.

Don't make it about any forced "make up and get along" arrangement for your DD and these girls since they are not friends anyway. Tell the school you want it to know the app and these girls' behavior are distracting your DD from learning. Focus on that and don't leave the meeting with the counselor and ptncipal until you have a firm date by which they will have this stopped. Summarize the meeting in writing and email them that summary so it's written down.

In a public, you couldn't do this last part, but: I'd tell the principal and counselor that if they won't tell the girls' parents about the app and their actions, you will tell them.

[Anonymous]

I look at these experiences as making my daughters stronger. It's good to know how to stand on your own feet and to walk alone if life demands it at times. Allow your child to find her bearings with the worst of her peer group. Be her "ear" at home. Keep those communication channels open. Do not place too much important on MS and HS as the social peak of our lives. That is the mistake too many parents make. It is a phase, a specific time of our lives, but it only six years long. There is SO MUCH to come!

6-8 is very difficult. Our oldest is strong as a rock, and 6-8 even broke her down into pebbles at certain points. It was all social, not the school work. Then she found her "tribe" through a certain school activity. Now she is holding her head up as as upper high school student.

[Anonymous]

^^ importance, not important^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm looking for advice so much as to commiserate. Middle school sucks, and it's so hard watching your kids deal with mean kids.

DD has just started 6th grade in a private where kids stay together through 8th grade. She has always been a confident, social kid who made friends easily. She has been good friends with one girl since third grade. Over the summer, "Larla" has become close with a group of girls who all live in her neighborhood (different than ours). Understandably, they got together a lot and didn't invite DD. However, Larla begged me to let DD start texting with her, and I allowed it (on my phone), so that they could keep in touch. Over the summer it was fine and friendly. As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD. Sometimes they outright say things like, "Why do you hang out with us? Some of us don't like you." (My DD is very upfront about the fact that it's my number, but these girls have either forgotten or don't care that I can see everything they text.) It is clear to me that Larla is pushing DD away to cement herself with this new group. The added bummer is that DD is stuck with several members of this new group in her homeroom. She is doing what she has always done and trying to be friendly with the people she is placed with, but it is clear this group doesn't want her as a new addition.

At this point, all I can do is support her and be her safe space. I try to talk to her about friends vs. frenemies etc., but man is it painful to watch. Ugh.

This is St Pat’s by any chance?

Yes, it's St. Pat's. How did you know??

This is the OP, and, no, it's not St. Pats. I don't intend to id the school. Thank you to everyone who has responded with such support and helpful suggestions.

Oddly enough, my DD actually confronted the two mean texters yesterday at school. My DD pleasantly surprised me when we spoke about it yesterday with her bravery in confronting them and standing up for herself. I think she needed time to get over the initial shock that Larla would do this. She's a tough cookie.

I have screen shots of the texts. If they continue, I will likely start with the counselor.

[Anonymous]

This is very typical mean behavior but it is not bullying.

You have gotten some good advice, OP. I second blocking Larla and talking with her parents if you have a decent relationship with them. Also get DD into more activities that do not include these other girls. What did DD do over the summer and can she put a bit more time into it now?

[Anonymous]

Read untangled. It will help you. And brace yourself for seventh grade, it's much worse. And and, brace yourself for the point in time when your sweet girl will also be a mean girl. Hopefully short-lived. There's literally no passage without it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read untangled. It will help you. And brace yourself for seventh grade, it's much worse. And and, brace yourself for the point in time when your sweet girl will also be a mean girl. Hopefully short-lived. There's literally no passage without it.

I'm still haunted by a couple of mean things I did to a girl in my middle school class. I was petrified of getting in trouble too so I dug in and kept repeating the lie to the principal. Who I'm sure saw through nmy bullshit bc she wasn't in any trouble but neither was I. All because I was afraid I was the next target for the cooler kids, so I found someone weaker. It was over within 2 days but 20 years later I still hate my actions. Very true that sometimes powerless kids are offenders too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read untangled. It will help you. And brace yourself for seventh grade, it's much worse. And and, brace yourself for the point in time when your sweet girl will also be a mean girl. Hopefully short-lived. There's literally no passage without it.

I'm still haunted by a couple of mean things I did to a girl in my middle school class. I was petrified of getting in trouble too so I dug in and kept repeating the lie to the principal. Who I'm sure saw through nmy bullshit bc she wasn't in any trouble but neither was I. All because I was afraid I was the next target for the cooler kids, so I found someone weaker. It was over within 2 days but 20 years later I still hate my actions. Very true that sometimes powerless kids are offenders too.

What did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very typical mean behavior but it is not bullying.

You have gotten some good advice, OP. I second blocking Larla and talking with her parents if you have a decent relationship with them. Also get DD into more activities that do not include these other girls. What did DD do over the summer and can she put a bit more time into it now?

This is wrong. This behavior is beyond typical and is bullying. It needs to be nipped in the bud now before they get even more creative.

[Anonymous]

I too have witnessed bullying at St Pats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm looking for advice so much as to commiserate. Middle school sucks, and it's so hard watching your kids deal with mean kids.

DD has just started 6th grade in a private where kids stay together through 8th grade. She has always been a confident, social kid who made friends easily. She has been good friends with one girl since third grade. Over the summer, "Larla" has become close with a group of girls who all live in her neighborhood (different than ours). Understandably, they got together a lot and didn't invite DD. However, Larla begged me to let DD start texting with her, and I allowed it (on my phone), so that they could keep in touch. Over the summer it was fine and friendly. As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD. Sometimes they outright say things like, "Why do you hang out with us? Some of us don't like you." (My DD is very upfront about the fact that it's my number, but these girls have either forgotten or don't care that I can see everything they text.) It is clear to me that Larla is pushing DD away to cement herself with this new group. The added bummer is that DD is stuck with several members of this new group in her homeroom. She is doing what she has always done and trying to be friendly with the people she is placed with, but it is clear this group doesn't want her as a new addition.

At this point, all I can do is support her and be her safe space. I try to talk to her about friends vs. frenemies etc., but man is it painful to watch. Ugh.

This is St Pat’s by any chance?

Yes, it's St. Pat's. How did you know??

This is the OP, and, no, it's not St. Pats. I don't intend to id the school. Thank you to everyone who has responded with such support and helpful suggestions.

Oddly enough, my DD actually confronted the two mean texters yesterday at school. My DD pleasantly surprised me when we spoke about it yesterday with her bravery in confronting them and standing up for herself. I think she needed time to get over the initial shock that Larla would do this. She's a tough cookie.

I have screen shots of the texts. If they continue, I will likely start with the counselor.

I think this kind of behavior is typical in middle school, and I applaud your DD for speaking up. I don't know if this merits speaking to a higher authority in the school, but one thing you could do if they continue is simply text back and say, "Ladies, I think you forgot that Misty shares my phone so I have seen all your text messages. Since you clearly do not want to be friends with Misty, I would appreciate it if you would stop sending her messages."

[Anonymous]

Further to the above, you are doing a great job supporting your DD. She will get through this, and she will find fantastic friends!