Middle School Girl Drama: commiserate

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'm looking for advice so much as to commiserate. Middle school sucks, and it's so hard watching your kids deal with mean kids.

DD has just started 6th grade in a private where kids stay together through 8th grade. She has always been a confident, social kid who made friends easily. She has been good friends with one girl since third grade. Over the summer, "Larla" has become close with a group of girls who all live in her neighborhood (different than ours). Understandably, they got together a lot and didn't invite DD. However, Larla begged me to let DD start texting with her, and I allowed it (on my phone), so that they could keep in touch. Over the summer it was fine and friendly. As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD. Sometimes they outright say things like, "Why do you hang out with us? Some of us don't like you." (My DD is very upfront about the fact that it's my number, but these girls have either forgotten or don't care that I can see everything they text.) It is clear to me that Larla is pushing DD away to cement herself with this new group. The added bummer is that DD is stuck with several members of this new group in her homeroom. She is doing what she has always done and trying to be friendly with the people she is placed with, but it is clear this group doesn't want her as a new addition.

At this point, all I can do is support her and be her safe space. I try to talk to her about friends vs. frenemies etc., but man is it painful to watch. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm looking for advice so much as to commiserate. Middle school sucks, and it's so hard watching your kids deal with mean kids.

DD has just started 6th grade in a private where kids stay together through 8th grade. She has always been a confident, social kid who made friends easily. She has been good friends with one girl since third grade. Over the summer, "Larla" has become close with a group of girls who all live in her neighborhood (different than ours). Understandably, they got together a lot and didn't invite DD. However, Larla begged me to let DD start texting with her, and I allowed it (on my phone), so that they could keep in touch. Over the summer it was fine and friendly. As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD. Sometimes they outright say things like, "Why do you hang out with us? Some of us don't like you." (My DD is very upfront about the fact that it's my number, but these girls have either forgotten or don't care that I can see everything they text.) It is clear to me that Larla is pushing DD away to cement herself with this new group. The added bummer is that DD is stuck with several members of this new group in her homeroom. She is doing what she has always done and trying to be friendly with the people she is placed with, but it is clear this group doesn't want her as a new addition.

At this point, all I can do is support her and be her safe space. I try to talk to her about friends vs. frenemies etc., but man is it painful to watch. Ugh.

I’m sorry OP. That is terrible. I think in this situation you can do more than just be a safe place for her. I would take screenshots of the texts and I would talk to the school about what’s happening. That is bullying and at our private school the girls would be in trouble because they take in account what happens outside of school the same way they do inside school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm looking for advice so much as to commiserate. Middle school sucks, and it's so hard watching your kids deal with mean kids.

DD has just started 6th grade in a private where kids stay together through 8th grade. She has always been a confident, social kid who made friends easily. She has been good friends with one girl since third grade. Over the summer, "Larla" has become close with a group of girls who all live in her neighborhood (different than ours). Understandably, they got together a lot and didn't invite DD. However, Larla begged me to let DD start texting with her, and I allowed it (on my phone), so that they could keep in touch. Over the summer it was fine and friendly. As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD. Sometimes they outright say things like, "Why do you hang out with us? Some of us don't like you." (My DD is very upfront about the fact that it's my number, but these girls have either forgotten or don't care that I can see everything they text.) It is clear to me that Larla is pushing DD away to cement herself with this new group. The added bummer is that DD is stuck with several members of this new group in her homeroom. She is doing what she has always done and trying to be friendly with the people she is placed with, but it is clear this group doesn't want her as a new addition.

At this point, all I can do is support her and be her safe space. I try to talk to her about friends vs. frenemies etc., but man is it painful to watch. Ugh.

This is St Pat’s by any chance?

[Anonymous]

First off, OP, I'm so sorry. It is so incredibly hard to watch your kid go through this. My DD just started high school so we've made it through the middle school gauntlet, and there is light on the other side of the tunnel. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by giving your DD a safe space to be herself, and you're being a great listener. But I'd also strongly recommend that you block Larla's number from your phone so that the communication via text stops, and then advise your DD to break off IRL communication with her as well. I don't know how feasible this is in a small private school, but to the extent possible, she should move on and make a new friend group, and just get away from this toxic larla and her minions. The sooner the better. Friendships ebb and flow a lot in middle school so if there is a silver lining, it's that your DD is getting experience with this early on and will build resilience. You say that she's confident and social, which is great. She will build even more confidence by shaking off this group of mean girls and building new friendships. ((((hugs))) to you.

[Anonymous]

How awful. I just want to give another option: If you know Larla's mom fairly well, or even if you know her only slightly but believe her to be a decent person, please talk to her. When my son first got his phone, he texted something very rude to a school friend. I didn't even know that friend but her mom approached me at the bus stop and told me what he'd texted. DH and I were horrified. We talked to DS immediately and he was super remorseful. We'd planned to take away his phone for a month but he was so sorry that he voluntarily gave it up for the school year. It's possible that Larla has been swept up by this group but doesn't feel good about what's going on. Her parents may be able to talk her through it.

[Anonymous]

If your DD has been good friends with Larla since 3rd grade, you know Larla's mom, right? Unless the mom is a real piece of work herself, I would reach out to her and let her know what's going on. Most parents would want to know that their kid is behaving like that. This isn't normal middle school stuff - it's pretty serious bullying if they're spoofing phone numbers.

[Anonymous]

This is not middle school girl drama. This is textbook bullying. Screenshot and get to the counselor at school asap. This is NOT normal.

[Anonymous]

And get your DD off that group asap. She doesn't need any more of that BS.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Middle school mean girls are vicious.

I think contacting Larla's parents and/or school are definitely options to consider. You might want to get your daughter's opinion though, in case she's afraid of the repercussions. If you do report it, you might want to complain about the texts coming to your phone and completely leave your daughter out of the complaint so that she's not telling on them, you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not middle school girl drama. This is textbook bullying. Screenshot and get to the counselor at school asap. This is NOT normal.

This +1 million. The parents of these girls should be made aware of their bad behavior and going through the guidance counselor is a good way to do it.

[Anonymous]

I concur with above posters--this is beyond regular middle school drama. I would start with going directly to the mom if you're comfortable, but if not I would go to the school. Since it's on your phone, I would just say you are doing this and say your daughter doesn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm looking for advice so much as to commiserate. Middle school sucks, and it's so hard watching your kids deal with mean kids.

DD has just started 6th grade in a private where kids stay together through 8th grade. She has always been a confident, social kid who made friends easily. She has been good friends with one girl since third grade. Over the summer, "Larla" has become close with a group of girls who all live in her neighborhood (different than ours). Understandably, they got together a lot and didn't invite DD. However, Larla begged me to let DD start texting with her, and I allowed it (on my phone), so that they could keep in touch. Over the summer it was fine and friendly. As the school year approached and then started, though, Larla and one other girl from the group have repeatedly texted mean things. They have one of those apps that makes your text look like it is a different number and they pretend to be other people to trick DD. Sometimes they outright say things like, "Why do you hang out with us? Some of us don't like you." (My DD is very upfront about the fact that it's my number, but these girls have either forgotten or don't care that I can see everything they text.) It is clear to me that Larla is pushing DD away to cement herself with this new group. The added bummer is that DD is stuck with several members of this new group in her homeroom. She is doing what she has always done and trying to be friendly with the people she is placed with, but it is clear this group doesn't want her as a new addition.

At this point, all I can do is support her and be her safe space. I try to talk to her about friends vs. frenemies etc., but man is it painful to watch. Ugh.

When this happened to my niece (using her dad's phone) my BIL finally had enough and responded with "Larla, this is Mr. Smith and this is my phone. I can forward these texts to your parents if you don't stop."

The mean girl behavior stopped immediately.

I am not sure if it would have had the same effect if my sister had been the parent texting back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not middle school girl drama. This is textbook bullying. Screenshot and get to the counselor at school asap. This is NOT normal.

This +1 million. The parents of these girls should be made aware of their bad behavior and going through the guidance counselor is a good way to do it.

What's the difference between texting "we don't want you to hang out with us" and verbally telling her "we don't want you to hang out with us"? Do kids not have the right to tell someone that they don't want you to hang out with them?

BTW, when I was a teen eons ago, I did have girls say this to me verbally. Yes, it hurt, but was it bullying? What constitutes bullying now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When this happened to my niece (using her dad's phone) my BIL finally had enough and responded with "Larla, this is Mr. Smith and this is my phone. I can forward these texts to your parents if you don't stop."

The mean girl behavior stopped immediately.

I am not sure if it would have had the same effect if my sister had been the parent texting back.

There was a girl in my DD's 5th grade class who used to be good friends with my DD. She was emailing my DD means things. I check my DD's emails/chats every so often.

I blocked her, but saved all the emails and chats she sent. If she continues to harass my DD, I am well prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not middle school girl drama. This is textbook bullying. Screenshot and get to the counselor at school asap. This is NOT normal.

This +1 million. The parents of these girls should be made aware of their bad behavior and going through the guidance counselor is a good way to do it.

What's the difference between texting "we don't want you to hang out with us" and verbally telling her "we don't want you to hang out with us"? Do kids not have the right to tell someone that they don't want you to hang out with them?

BTW, when I was a teen eons ago, I did have girls say this to me verbally. Yes, it hurt, but was it bullying? What constitutes bullying now?

+1

That is NOT bullying.