My parents' behavior in public embarrasses me (yes, I'm an adult)

[Anonymous]

Ugh, my mother does this but at least not in public. After DD’s FIRST birthday, she went through a laundry list of what was wrong with each kid and asked super obnoxious questions and basically informed us that none of the kids were doing developmentally appropriate things and none would be suitable friends for DD. I was like, stop being a bitch, these people are here because they’re our friends or kids DD hangs out with a lot so likely to be her friends someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you have them babysitting? Are they doing other things for you too? Can’t really have boundaries with people you are beholden to.

Also, can’t have boundaries when you act like a doormat. Just tell them they aren’t invited anymore because they insult other kids and that’s not acceptable. Stop being so frightened of the fallout.

OP here. We give them first right of refusal and have babysitters that we use as well. They babysit maybe once every few months and have always said yes when we ask. They will often ask to take the kids for a night. It’s only when I start pushing back on their behavior that they start with the “we don’t always have to be available when you ask us to babysit...” to which I reply “You in no way have to be. If it inconveniences you in any way then feel free to say no and we have a babysitter ready to go.”

I don’t know why I’m so frightened of the fallout. I think it’s because I have to hear about how they are selfless and would do anything for their kids and grandkids and I’m just an ungrateful selfish brat (yes, we’ve gone down that road before). They are incapable of reflecting on their own behavior to see that it’s inappropriate. They see it as just me picking on them for no reason.

I guess I need to revisit this topic in therapy because clearly I’m not handling it the way I should be.

[Anonymous]

I would say you need to go to every other game alone.

Also, call them out at the time they make an inappropriate comment. PPs gave you some good scripts. Use them. Just keep it light and short. Smile. Delivery is everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a whole history here of me telling them how I feel and them telling me that I'm paranoid and dramatic and acting like a teenager. Basically my thoughts and feelings are invalidated if it's something that they don't want to hear. Yes, I've been to therapy about this. Yes, I've set boundaries but they continue to encroach upon them. It was much easier to set firm boundaries before I had kids. Now that I have kids and want my kids to have a meaningful relationship with them it's murkier. My kids also like to see their grandparents at games, so that's an aspect I have to consider as well.

I have flat out told them I will never allow my children to be used as a pawn in their guilt game. In the past they've made comments about things like maybe they won't be available to babysit if I'm not going to be "nice" to them and appreciate them. I tell them that's fine, if they choose to not have a relationship with their grandchildren then that's 100% their choice. At the same time the games and events are in public places that they are allowed to attend so it's not like I can keep them away. The schedules are also posted online so even if we don't provide the information they will find it and show up anyway.

To me it's more of an embarassment socially. Today I was just getting to chat with some moms on the team for the first time and was trying to make some connections with them and then here come my parents who will stand next to me and try to horn in on the conversation with people I am meeting for the first time and then they make socially inappropriate comments. I don't want to be associated with their behavior. I don't want to make a scene in front of others and make them uncomfortable by treating my parents like children. -OP

my eyebrows shot up at the blackmail. Not going to be around if you are not nice? I seriously question your continuing this relationship

[Anonymous]

If you don’t do the hard work of standing up for your family, OP, you will keep being bullied. Is this what you want for your kids? Why on earth do you believe kids need a relationship with crazy people???

Drastically limit contact. No more public events with them. No more babysitting, or any other help they provide. You can just be like the rest of us, who get by without local grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you have them babysitting? Are they doing other things for you too? Can’t really have boundaries with people you are beholden to.

Also, can’t have boundaries when you act like a doormat. Just tell them they aren’t invited anymore because they insult other kids and that’s not acceptable. Stop being so frightened of the fallout.

OP here. We give them first right of refusal and have babysitters that we use as well. They babysit maybe once every few months and have always said yes when we ask. They will often ask to take the kids for a night. It’s only when I start pushing back on their behavior that they start with the “we don’t always have to be available when you ask us to babysit...” to which I reply “You in no way have to be. If it inconveniences you in any way then feel free to say no and we have a babysitter ready to go.”

I don’t know why I’m so frightened of the fallout. I think it’s because I have to hear about how they are selfless and would do anything for their kids and grandkids and I’m just an ungrateful selfish brat (yes, we’ve gone down that road before). They are incapable of reflecting on their own behavior to see that it’s inappropriate. They see it as just me picking on them for no reason.

I guess I need to revisit this topic in therapy because clearly I’m not handling it the way I should be.

“Wow mom and Dad, that is exactly the type of rude comment I’m talking about. This conversation is over, we can try again another time.”

Then you hang up or leave. You don’t have to sit there and let your parents call you names. You’re a grown up, you can leave, you don’t live in their house. Also, in your conversations, remember the person to give an ultimatum loses. Don’t box yourself in. The best approach is to end the conversation and try again later. Yes, just like toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you don’t do the hard work of standing up for your family, OP, you will keep being bullied. Is this what you want for your kids? Why on earth do you believe kids need a relationship with crazy people???

Drastically limit contact. No more public events with them. No more babysitting, or any other help they provide. You can just be like the rest of us, who get by without local grandparents.

This is what I don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Your parents sound exactly like my mom. We had an incident at baseball last year when she was making some rude, inappropriate comments about the catcher within earshot of other parents. I called her out on it and she started yelling at me in front of everyone that I’m so critical of her and she’s not going to put up with it. So she’s not allowed to come to anymore games. Period. I don’t care if she doesn’t like it.

[Anonymous]

I’m just laughing bc my mom is the same way. So damn embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you have them babysitting? Are they doing other things for you too? Can’t really have boundaries with people you are beholden to.

Also, can’t have boundaries when you act like a doormat. Just tell them they aren’t invited anymore because they insult other kids and that’s not acceptable. Stop being so frightened of the fallout.

OP here. We give them first right of refusal and have babysitters that we use as well. They babysit maybe once every few months and have always said yes when we ask. They will often ask to take the kids for a night. It’s only when I start pushing back on their behavior that they start with the “we don’t always have to be available when you ask us to babysit...” to which I reply “You in no way have to be. If it inconveniences you in any way then feel free to say no and we have a babysitter ready to go.”

I don’t know why I’m so frightened of the fallout. I think it’s because I have to hear about how they are selfless and would do anything for their kids and grandkids and I’m just an ungrateful selfish brat (yes, we’ve gone down that road before). They are incapable of reflecting on their own behavior to see that it’s inappropriate. They see it as just me picking on them for no reason.

I guess I need to revisit this topic in therapy because clearly I’m not handling it the way I should be.

Yes. Immediately. Also, consider why you want your kids to have a close relationship with such toxic people. What if DC learns these bad habits from the grandparents? DC might benefit from being more sheltered from them. Maybe a quarterly visit in your home would be better? My paternal grandma was toxic in a different way. My mom explained the situation to me in MS and demonstrated what good boundaries look like. It helped me spot potential MIL trouble in two different boyfriends. My actual MIL is a gem, because my mom turned lemons into lemonade.

[Anonymous]

Can you bring folding chairs for them to sit in, in the hopes that they’d stay put? Can you explain beforehand that you’re trying to meet some of the other parents, to build up your kid’s social network, and you’ll need some space to do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you have them babysitting? Are they doing other things for you too? Can’t really have boundaries with people you are beholden to.

Also, can’t have boundaries when you act like a doormat. Just tell them they aren’t invited anymore because they insult other kids and that’s not acceptable. Stop being so frightened of the fallout.

OP here. We give them first right of refusal and have babysitters that we use as well. They babysit maybe once every few months and have always said yes when we ask. They will often ask to take the kids for a night. It’s only when I start pushing back on their behavior that they start with the “we don’t always have to be available when you ask us to babysit...” to which I reply “You in no way have to be. If it inconveniences you in any way then feel free to say no and we have a babysitter ready to go.”

I don’t know why I’m so frightened of the fallout. I think it’s because I have to hear about how they are selfless and would do anything for their kids and grandkids and I’m just an ungrateful selfish brat (yes, we’ve gone down that road before). They are incapable of reflecting on their own behavior to see that it’s inappropriate. They see it as just me picking on them for no reason.

I guess I need to revisit this topic in therapy because clearly I’m not handling it the way I should be.

Yes. Immediately. Also, consider why you want your kids to have a close relationship with such toxic people. What if DC learns these bad habits from the grandparents? DC might benefit from being more sheltered from them. Maybe a quarterly visit in your home would be better? My paternal grandma was toxic in a different way. My mom explained the situation to me in MS and demonstrated what good boundaries look like. It helped me spot potential MIL trouble in two different boyfriends. My actual MIL is a gem, because my mom turned lemons into lemonade.

Kudos to you and your mom. May I ask, how did your mom explain this to you? I’m struggling with this issue myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call them out in the moment.
“Mom, please don’t talk about other children. So anyway Sally, do you think it’s gong to rain later.”

“Mom, we don’t talk about birthday parties around other families. You have no idea who’s invited or not. Wow, look! sally almost got a goal!”

“I’ll answer your question when I finish talking here with Madge.” Then turn your body towards Madge.

Rinse and repeat. Do not engage.

maybe they need a standing dinner with you all every other week so they can get their gossip talk out then. And if they do show up at bday parties, games, school shows they need to be on civil behavior. Just tell them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call them out in the moment.
“Mom, please don’t talk about other children. So anyway Sally, do you think it’s gong to rain later.”

“Mom, we don’t talk about birthday parties around other families. You have no idea who’s invited or not. Wow, look! sally almost got a goal!”

“I’ll answer your question when I finish talking here with Madge.” Then turn your body towards Madge.

Rinse and repeat. Do not engage.

maybe they need a standing dinner with you all every other week so they can get their gossip talk out then. And if they do show up at bday parties, games, school shows they need to be on civil behavior. Just tell them that.

I seriously doubt this would work. OP’s parents have no filter. They are responding in the moment. It would be like asking a kid with ADHD to hold off for a few days and then respond to all the distractions.
The only way to address this is the respond IN THE MOMENT with a calm, succinct response. Over and over. The issue that OP needs to get over is that she thinks this type of response is going to embarrass her and her parents. It won’t. As someone posted above, it’s all in the delivery. I think OP would benefit from going to therapy if only to practice role playing it with someone. The only response she knows to give her parents is an emotional one later, after her resentment is sky high. Instead, by giving a quick response in a neutral tone and then pivoting to a different topic, she can keep herself calm and not give her parents the drama.
Hopefully OP can give a real try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's no fun to have to treat your parents like they're toddlers. I grew up feeling intensely embarrassed by my mom, and yes, still OFTEN feel that way.

Now that my mom is in her 80s, I'm training myself to see her as an elderly, Sometimes addled old woman. Sounds terrible, but in general, I'm pretty tolerant of old folks; may as well extend that to my own mom. (Mind you, she hasn't slowed down much, and is as mentally alert as ever. I'm just pretending that her actions are due to aging so I don't feel so embarrassed all the time).

^^I could've written this. My mom does the same thing- at concerts, games, etc.

I cut her off or turn away or walk away when she starts criticizing other kids. Sometimes just a quick - 'no, not now' is enough and then I tell her later why I shut her down.

I agree with others that just don't tell them when events occur. Or don't tell them for a week or two and then go back to telling them. You need a reprieve and you don't owe it to them to invite them to ALL events. Esp if you are trying to establish some friendships. I am a little envious when I meet my friends' parents and they just sit quietly and enjoy a game/performance/ etc.