How to deal with a rough new 5 year old neighbor who can't keep her hands to herself

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies. It is especially frustrating to me because her father is a first grade teacher, and he was the one who remarked that she has no boundaries and that they are hoping being in school will help her out in this regard. You would think he would be more aware that her behavior is inappropriate since he works with 6 year olds all day.

[Anonymous]

If the parents mention it again, ask them what they are doing to to teach her to different behaviors. When she is rough, intervene and say, we don’t jump on people (in the pool) unless we ask first and they say yes.” It is okay for you to do the parenting when they don’t, so long as you are kind and respectful. Where were they in the pool though!?! Eh, come get your kid please! I think you may need to be less scared to speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies. It is especially frustrating to me because her father is a first grade teacher, and he was the one who remarked that she has no boundaries and that they are hoping being in school will help her out in this regard. You would think he would be more aware that her behavior is inappropriate since he works with 6 year olds all day.

Ha, that’s actually quite funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to shadow your son when she's around. I will physically put my arm out to block a child from touching mine. "You can't shove him." "Nobody likes to be pushed." "Nobody is going to want to play with you if you keep touching people."

Rhat last one is a threat and is not a respectful way to speak to anyone. Otherwise I agree, when she is around you need to be prepared and stop it before it happens when possible.

[Anonymous]

So I'll probably get flamed for this, but I have a small DD that rough kids will target, so I make them cry. I don't scream but I definitely raise my voice and reprimand them. Either they get it and back off, or their parents hate me so much that they keep their kid away from us. It's win-win for us either way.

I know it's harsh but I got so sick of clueless parents who can't be bothered to teach their kids how to behave. Kids aren't going to learn boundaries unless other people enforce them.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she might have some sensory stuff going on? Sometimes kids with high high sensory needs can seem to lack boundaries like this because they seek seek that physical touch. Not that this really helps you and regardless her behavior is something the parents should be responding to, of course. But if that was the case the parents could try to help her get her sensory needs fulfilled in others ways. I agree with others and hopefully she will grow out of it soon so since it’s a neighbor maybe just try to keep things as ok as you can while avoiding too much interaction til hopefully it gets better. If it comes up with the parents again maybe you could ask something like - what have you all found as the best way to respond when it happens? That way I could be consistent if I have to intervene if she grabs Larlo. Then maybe you will get a sense of if they are trying anything? And also start to be clear that you WILL be intervening, but in a not very threatening way. I agree it seems very odd they aren’t addressing it more if dad is a teacher. So maybe there is more you don’t know yet?

[Anonymous]

Agreed that it sounds like sensory seeking. My son is like this (difference is I am constantly intervening, he’s getting therapy to address, etc). It manifests as a sort of cluelessness about how their physicality is affecting others, not like they are actually trying to hurt anyone. When my kid is around his friend who is the same way they just sort of shove each other and laugh hysterically but most kids don’t want to be in a 24/7 mosh pit. Surprised the dad is a teacher and this clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed that it sounds like sensory seeking. My son is like this (difference is I am constantly intervening, he’s getting therapy to address, etc). It manifests as a sort of cluelessness about how their physicality is affecting others, not like they are actually trying to hurt anyone. When my kid is around his friend who is the same way they just sort of shove each other and laugh hysterically but most kids don’t want to be in a 24/7 mosh pit. Surprised the dad is a teacher and this clueless.

I’m the sensory poster above and this is a great description of the sensory seeking behavior and why it jumped out at me. it doesn’t sound like she’s aggressive necessarily, just like you said a little clueless about how to manage her body and unaware that others don’t want that physical touch all the time. Totally bizarre that Dad would be oblivious but sometimes it’s harder to see things in your own kid I guess.

[Anonymous]

Who cares what it is, she needs to hug her parents not other kids.

[Anonymous]

I give other parents one chance to control their child when they interact with mine. If they don't, I next tell my children to stay away from that child. If the child will not leave them alone, I will step in and will tell the other child "no hitting", "you need to be more gentle", "do not push anyone's head underwater" and so on. I will hover if need be to keep that child from harming or even just rough housing my child. If the parent doesn't like it, they can parent the child themselves or tell their child to leave mine alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares what it is, she needs to hug her parents not other kids.

Of course. I said it’s kind of here nor there for the op as it doesn’t solve their problem, but since this is a next door neighbor with a same age kid just avoiding forever is likely not completely possible for op so sharing in case it’s helpful insight at any point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did ANY parents correct or reprimand her when she jumped on their kids? Especially at the pool? I would no qualms about yelling at a kid who behaved that way when she’s putting other children in danger.

+1 I don’t even have kids and in the pool scenario my rather commanding inner schoolteacher voice would kick in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to shadow your son when she's around. I will physically put my arm out to block a child from touching mine. "You can't shove him." "Nobody likes to be pushed." "Nobody is going to want to play with you if you keep touching people."

Rhat last one is a threat and is not a respectful way to speak to anyone. Otherwise I agree, when she is around you need to be prepared and stop it before it happens when possible.

I don't disagree with the immediate PP, but I have said a nicer, more specific version of this type of thing to my kids in certain situations, "If you want XXXX to invite you over to their house more often, you can't have a total meltdown in front of them when it is time to leave." "if you want XXX to play with you, you have to be kind and gentle and careful with their personal space."

[Anonymous]

We had a neighbor almost just like this years ago. She just could not keep her hands off my DD. The kicker was when she bear-hugged my daughter in a swimming pool. They fell over and my daughter panicked because she was being held under water. I told the little girl, "Sally, Larla needs her space and doesn't feel safe when you touch her." Sally told me that she just LOVED Larla and wanted to hug her and I told her that she needed to show her love with her words and not her hands.

I also marched over to her mom and (very politely) said that it was clear that her daughter had a lot of love to share and that's wonderful but that it was really overwhelming to my daughter. I asked that she reinforce that Larla doesn't like to be touched and hugged and that she should tell Larla how much she likes her. The mom was very understanding (and probably a little embarrassed) and committed to helping.

It took some reinforcement. They were never close friends but it definitely got better.

I think you just have to talk to her parents about how she has crossed a line and you need their help. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet there is turmoil behind closed doors and it is manifesting in Sally's behavior.

Or she's just a sensory seeking kid. those do exist and "turmoil" isn't the cost. it's just the way some kids are wired, particularly when young.