Say something or MYOB?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend might have embellished her side of the story too. Your friend said he is pursuing her-maybe. You haven't seen this behavior first hand so what would you tell the wife? He's a flirt? I would stay out of the whole mess.

+1 I wouldn’t say a thing.

[Anonymous]

“Just living together for the kids” is the oldest lie in the book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should tell her! Doesn't matter the lies he is telling, fact is the douche bag is very much married.He has no business dating at this point. He's married and off limits, not to mention he's shown her what a creep he is. If anything I would be sending his wife a anon note to let her know what he's been doing.

Ha. Stick your nose in others people’s business without knowing what’s fully going on. Typical clueless DCUM advice to shame a man.

Ha. That's if I know he's married and living with his wife, and pursuing said friend. Yes I will tell friend EVERYTHING and his wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the single friend that you know him and that he is NOT in the middle of a divorce. And then, ideally, she will say something to him and scare him straight.

Telling the wife directly may open a massive can of worms for you at school. She could be thankful or, paradoxically, she may try to "shoot the messenger." You don't want this drama at your kids' school between you and another set of parents. You may get a reputation as "meddling" and it may result in your kid getting excluded from group activities. Bad, bad news.

I'd use the single friend as a conduit to warn this guy to stop being a sleaze.

I think it would be funny if the single friend said to sleaze bag, "Hey I would love to see you, but first I want to confirm it's ok with your wife. Mind if I call her"....

[Anonymous]

Next time I saw the guy, I'd go up to him and when I was sure his wife wasnt in earshot say "I hear you met my friend Larla." smile and walk away. He'll understand. Maybe he'll learn maybe he won't but that's a much better tact than telling her. That way, if she finds out later and is pissed you didn't say anything, you can say you confronted him before it became an issue.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell the wife, don't tell the guy but tell your single friend that you know the guy and his wife and what she describes doesn't match your observations. Leave it at that. Either your friend will stop confiding in you and putting you in this uncomfortable position, or she'll put a stop to his advances.

[Anonymous]

I would tell both! What kind of friend doesn't? If he doesn't screw around with your friend because you tell her, it'll just be someone else. Either way, wife is screwed. I would be gentle - Larla, this is very awkward, but I know if the situation were reversed, I would want to know. My single friend Susie showed me a picture/bio of her new Stud, and I am certain it's John. I've told Susie about you, and couldn't sleep at night if I didn't mention it to you as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell both! What kind of friend doesn't? If he doesn't screw around with your friend because you tell her, it'll just be someone else. Either way, wife is screwed. I would be gentle - Larla, this is very awkward, but I know if the situation were reversed, I would want to know. My single friend Susie showed me a picture/bio of her new Stud, and I am certain it's John. I've told Susie about you, and couldn't sleep at night if I didn't mention it to you as well.

This. I’ve been in this situation. The friends who kept his secret are as toxic as he is. When I kicked my ex out, I also cut off the friends who knew what was going on and betrayed me by being a bystander to his abuse of me.

Do the right thing, even when you fear it may be hard, embarrassing or damaging to yourself.

PP has given you an example of some kind language to use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the single friend that you know him and that he is NOT in the middle of a divorce. And then, ideally, she will say something to him and scare him straight.

Telling the wife directly may open a massive can of worms for you at school. She could be thankful or, paradoxically, she may try to "shoot the messenger." You don't want this drama at your kids' school between you and another set of parents. You may get a reputation as "meddling" and it may result in your kid getting excluded from group activities. Bad, bad news.

I'd use the single friend as a conduit to warn this guy to stop being a sleaze.

But you really don't know, do you? Have you never known a couple who seem just fine, up until they announce their divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Just living together for the kids” is the oldest lie in the book.

Then all 100 posters here who say the same thing must be liars. It's a common theme on DCUM. Sad, married, miserable people just sticking it out for the kids. Waiting until.....some stupid milestone like, until they are in college.

[Anonymous]

I would only tell her if I had some evidence.

Some tangible receipt to back up my word.

Sure I would feel bad in the beginning, but in the long run I would know that I did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

It's not surprising at all that he may have one foot out the door and she pretends or actually believes everything is fine. Many men who are sexually neglected in a marriage have checked out and are on the prowl and ready to pull the trigger on divorce. He should divorce first, but then again I am not their priest.

My vote is to talk with friend just so she knows the situation from your POV. I wouldn't say anything to the wife, not your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell the single friend that you know him and that he is NOT in the middle of a divorce. And then, ideally, she will say something to him and scare him straight.

Telling the wife directly may open a massive can of worms for you at school. She could be thankful or, paradoxically, she may try to "shoot the messenger." You don't want this drama at your kids' school between you and another set of parents. You may get a reputation as "meddling" and it may result in your kid getting excluded from group activities. Bad, bad news.

I'd use the single friend as a conduit to warn this guy to stop being a sleaze.

But you really don't know, do you? Have you never known a couple who seem just fine, up until they announce their divorce?

NP. Even if the couple is verging on divorce -- the friend is, as another PP said, toying with having an affair with a man who, right now, IS married. And talking about that to OP like it's an acceptable option. Friend sounds less than great since her issue is that she just doesn't want drama--not that she feels it's wrong to get involved with a married man. OP, do you really want a friend who has that attitude about other people's marriages? Yeah, DCUMers who will come here to yell, "Judgy!" -- I'm judging. No apologies.

I'd do as an earlier PP said and tell friend ASAP that you realized you know him and you definitely are friendly with the wife, and they show zero sign of bring on the rocks so he likely is lying to get friend into bed. Tell friend you are now in a tough position because you know the wife fairly well and and must see her at school regularly, at a minimum, and you now know husband is a jerk looking for APs. Tell friend she is right to dump him immediately. Friend should get the message, which is that she has created a situation where you could tell the wife any time and if friend IS sleeping with the guy, friend then goes from being exciting AP to being the OW in a divorce. If you lose the friendship--is it that big a loss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you tell the single friend that you CAN NOT hear any word from her re: this man. I am surprised you would choose to have a friend, a friend who would toy with the idea of getting involved with a married man.

Wow. You are holier than thou. Regardless, if you had read closely you'd have noticed friend already said she wouldn't be dating married man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit of a crazy story but the short version is that the supposedly happily married dad of one of my DC’s good friends met a good friend of mine (single no kids) through work as has been going after her. Friend and I had dinner last night and she started telling me about this guy who has been relentlessly pursuing her. She knows he is married but he said the marriage is pretty much over and has been for a while - they are just living together for the kids. She ended up showing me his work bio which had his name and a photo, which is how I figured out it was the dad.

I do not know this dad very well - we would see each other mostly at school drop offs and say a quick hello. I have seen them both together at a couple school events and it could all be an act but they seem really happy and not like they are on the verge of divorce.

I am pretty friendly with the mom though... we are in a book club together and also volunteer together at the school. We text regularly, grab coffee after drop offs sometimes and are very friendly but I would not say we are super close or best friends. However, she talks really positively about her husband, future plans they have and she did confide in me about a family issue (not related to the husband at all) so I don’t know that she would act like everything is fine with them if it wasn’t.

Anyway, the big question now is do I say something to the friend or keep my mouth shut? I feel like MYOB is probably the right move, but I would feel so badly if she didn’t know what was going on behind her back and I did.

Regardless, my friend won’t be going out with him... she thinks it’s all too complicated and does not want to get involved with someone currently married.

Read the 1st bolded statement. Now read the 2nd bolded statement. Kinda contradictory aren't they? If you're not her "bestie" then yeah, she's gonna put on airs like every other normal human being does.

I would agree with this. People don't broadcast when things aren't going well. Things weren't going well for DH and me ... but we passed as one of the very stable and happy couples in the neighborhood. Until it all blew up and we couldn't hide it any more. Until things are desperate, it is easy to maintain a civil and loving facade.