"Ghosted" a friend a few years ago and can't put it behind me

[Anonymous]

Relationships are for varying lengths and reasons. They can be about a reason, a "season," or a lifetime. It sounds like this friend's season has past; you grew apart. Pretty much everyone in their 30's and 40's has drifted apart from a friend or several. Honestly, I'm really proud of people who can stand up for themselves and for their values. A lot of people fall into the trap of believing that they can fawn their way out of getting treated poorly by someone with bullying or abusive tendencies. Avoiding and detaching are much better ways to go. Your assessment that confrontation would not have been useful is accurate.

A trap that empathetic people fall into is that setting reasonable boundaries is "mean." Women, in particular, are often conditioned that we have to be "nice" at all costs. Yet, you still have a duty to keep yourself emotionally safe and not to waste your time with people who do not respect you. So what would "nicer" have looked like in your situation? I think white lies like "We're fine," and "I'm busy" are for the best, particularly if someone is emotionally volatile and may respond unpleasantly to a more direct response like "I just don't want to hang out any longer." I love the saying "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," meaning there's no reason to sacrifice your wellbeing to make someone else, feel better, particularly when that person is in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are for varying lengths and reasons. They can be about a reason, a "season," or a lifetime. It sounds like this friend's season has past; you grew apart. Pretty much everyone in their 30's and 40's has drifted apart from a friend or several. Honestly, I'm really proud of people who can stand up for themselves and for their values. A lot of people fall into the trap of believing that they can fawn their way out of getting treated poorly by someone with bullying or abusive tendencies. Avoiding and detaching are much better ways to go. Your assessment that confrontation would not have been useful is accurate.

A trap that empathetic people fall into is that setting reasonable boundaries is "mean." Women, in particular, are often conditioned that we have to be "nice" at all costs. Yet, you still have a duty to keep yourself emotionally safe and not to waste your time with people who do not respect you. So what would "nicer" have looked like in your situation? I think white lies like "We're fine," and "I'm busy" are for the best, particularly if someone is emotionally volatile and may respond unpleasantly to a more direct response like "I just don't want to hang out any longer." I love the saying "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," meaning there's no reason to sacrifice your wellbeing to make someone else, feel better, particularly when that person is in the wrong.

Disagree. I think it's a character weakness. If that person didn't harm you (and it sounds like in OP's case she just didn't like the way her friend perhaps treated others), it's just taking the easy way out. Spineless and cowardly, just do what's easiest for you and who cares how it impacts others. That's not exactly a great character either. It's like any relationship--break up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't call it "ghosting," since that really connotes disappearing on someone who is owed better treatment. By your own description, this woman was controlling and mean to you, and as such, you did not owe her the kindness of an explanation when removing her from your life.

Let it go and focus on being a good friend to the people in your life who deserve it.

[Anonymous]

You pulled away from a toxic person. Do not spare her another thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are for varying lengths and reasons. They can be about a reason, a "season," or a lifetime. It sounds like this friend's season has past; you grew apart. Pretty much everyone in their 30's and 40's has drifted apart from a friend or several. Honestly, I'm really proud of people who can stand up for themselves and for their values. A lot of people fall into the trap of believing that they can fawn their way out of getting treated poorly by someone with bullying or abusive tendencies. Avoiding and detaching are much better ways to go. Your assessment that confrontation would not have been useful is accurate.

A trap that empathetic people fall into is that setting reasonable boundaries is "mean." Women, in particular, are often conditioned that we have to be "nice" at all costs. Yet, you still have a duty to keep yourself emotionally safe and not to waste your time with people who do not respect you. So what would "nicer" have looked like in your situation? I think white lies like "We're fine," and "I'm busy" are for the best, particularly if someone is emotionally volatile and may respond unpleasantly to a more direct response like "I just don't want to hang out any longer." I love the saying "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," meaning there's no reason to sacrifice your wellbeing to make someone else, feel better, particularly when that person is in the wrong.

Disagree. I think it's a character weakness. If that person didn't harm you (and it sounds like in OP's case she just didn't like the way her friend perhaps treated others), it's just taking the easy way out. Spineless and cowardly, just do what's easiest for you and who cares how it impacts others. That's not exactly a great character either. It's like any relationship--break up.

Ehh. OP had reason to think her friend was going to react aggressively based on her past behavior. I can't blame her for avoiding someone who was going to freak the eff out. I wouldn't confront someone aggressive and manipulative either.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Some very thoughtful comments I really appreciate it. To be clear, I’m not considering reaching out to her at all. I’m just spending some time reflecting on how I handled the situation and if closing myself off to her was the healthy thing to do for myself or if someone comes to you and ask point blank, is the responsible thing to do to tell them the truth. My truth to her would be, I find you to be very manipulative and controlling and I just don’t think we are well set up to be close friends. I am weighing if this is ever a productive conversation to have or if the problem in of itself confirms that attempting to talk about it is not the best way to go.

I was just auditing the whole situation and reflecting on if I had really been mean or had done my due diligence before pushing away from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Susan,

I'm sorry about ghosting you 5 years ago, with no explanation. I realized recently that wasn't nice, so I'm popping back up to explain myself. I think you are an a**hole and that's why I didn't want to be friends with you anymore.

Hope this helps,
Mary

Omg the “hope this helps” made me laugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been five years. I guarantee she isn't sitting around waiting for an explanation. Leave it alone.

[b]

That’s actually not true, necessarily. My friend did the slow fade to me and to this day I’m still hurt and don’t understand why. She still follows me on social’edia but we don’t talkZ I want to delete her but don’t want to be petty. She looks at my insta stories and now I. Find myself looking at the views to see if she watches. It’s not healthy so I stopped doing insta stories so I’d stop looking for her. I’d love to know why she ghosted me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been five years. I guarantee she isn't sitting around waiting for an explanation. Leave it alone.

[b]

That’s actually not true, necessarily. My friend did the slow fade to me and to this day I’m still hurt and don’t understand why. She still follows me on social’edia but we don’t talkZ I want to delete her but don’t want to be petty. She looks at my insta stories and now I. Find myself looking at the views to see if she watches. It’s not healthy so I stopped doing insta stories so I’d stop looking for her. I’d love to know why she ghosted me.

Are you manipulative and controlling?