How to tell child he was IVF baby but not in-laws?

[Anonymous]

I too find it odd that you would be planning how to talk about IVF and your baby isn’t even a year old. That is the least of your worries. You have the child now. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the others that if he’s genetically both of yours, no real need to share. If you used donor egg or sperm, you should tell him, but there’s no way to then control whether it gets to the parents. You’re right that you can’t ask him to keep it a secret. There’s a good chance they’d never mention it but you can’t guarsntee it. My kids so far have chosen not to mention their adoption to people other than us, but it’s up to them who they tell.

[Anonymous]

How do people not know if a baby is adopted? One minute they have no kid and the next minute kid.

[Anonymous]

Don’t borrow trouble, OP. This is a conversation with your son in like 20 years, if then. At that point you can explain that grandma and grandpa don’t know - and prepare yourself for the inevitability that he will keep secrets from you as you have your parents.

[Anonymous]

We did ivf and have twins. We didn’t tell my in-laws based on some nasty comments she made - not knowing we were doing ivf- about how some people are just not meant to have children, and how awful that there is ivf out there.

Kids are now 11. They know we did ivf, I’m open about it- it was a struggle to get pregnant and I’m not ashamed of what we had to go through. In laws still don’t and it doesn’t come up in conversation with them anymore. I would not lie to them at this point- but I am not volunteering or going to be direct about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people not know if a baby is adopted? One minute they have no kid and the next minute kid.

I did not say no one knows they're adopted. I said they have chosen not to mention it themselves so far. The people who know about it did not find out from our kids, which is OP’s concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people not know if a baby is adopted? One minute they have no kid and the next minute kid.

That is exactly how childbirth in general works.

[Anonymous]

Are they biological IVF? If so no big deal. If not, then that’s a different situation.

[Anonymous]

My parents, who are Catholic, do not know we did IVF for our kids. I don’t want to deal with the fall out. I don’t plan on telling my kids until they are adults. If I had used donor material, I would tell them sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people not know if a baby is adopted? One minute they have no kid and the next minute kid.

That is exactly how childbirth in general works.

Oh come on

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry about this until your child is much older. After the basic details of how most pregnancies occur, you can get into the details of how hard you all worked to have your child and share with them more age appropriate information about how IVF works.

Because yes, unless you used donor gametes this is not really a Must Know From the Start type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP here: I have 2 IVF babies. I mentioned that I struggled to have them (and that’s why I love them so much!) but really it’s my story and not a big issue to them.

That's absurd so I hope you are being sarcastic though the one couple we are close to who conceived via IVF also seem to believe this so I guess the rest of us love our children less?

I can't fathom why this question would ever come up and find it strange the parent of a 1 year old is contemplating this.

PP perhaps you should stay off the infertility board. You don’t get it (lucky you!) and this is corrosive and unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did ivf and have twins. We didn’t tell my in-laws based on some nasty comments she made - not knowing we were doing ivf- about how some people are just not meant to have children, and how awful that there is ivf out there.

Kids are now 11. They know we did ivf, I’m open about it- it was a struggle to get pregnant and I’m not ashamed of what we had to go through. In laws still don’t and it doesn’t come up in conversation with them anymore. I would not lie to them at this point- but I am not volunteering or going to be direct about it.

If I were you I'd almost go out of my way to tell them at this point. Mainly because they clearly have a relationship with your kids, and if they know that these great kids came from IVF, it might help them stop bad mouthing it in general. And now you are a decade+ removed from the heightened emotions of infertility etc. I'd be looking for a chance to educate once I was feeling stronger emotionally....

[Anonymous]

We have 10YO twins conceived through IVF. My MIL is very Catholic and (from what I understand) talked to her priest at some point about whether it was "okay" that she had grandchildren conceived through IVF. Fortunately the priest was very understanding and told her that a large number of the children in their church were the product of fertility treatments, rather than giving her the party line that it is terrible and immoral. But it nonetheless took her some time to come to terms with it, even though she knew how much we struggled to have kids.

We have been open with our twins about IVF. From the first time that we explained that babies are made by joining a sperm and an egg, we emphasized that sometimes this requires a doctor's help. Even though we have relatives other than MIL whom I know disapprove, I did not want to suggest to my kids that there was something shameful about their conception that requires secrecy. If the other relatives find out and think less of us, so be it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I hope I'm not being insensitive, why does anyone, especially the kid, need to know how they were conceived? Why is it a thing to tell the kid they were conceived via IVF? I mean it's fine to tell if they asked, but why volunteer this?