Recommendation for counselor for lesbian couple with mother-in-law issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure about this specific type of problem, but I know people who have liked working with Dr. Julie Bindeman in Rockville.

https://greaterwashingtontherapy.com

Also, a PP poster said, congrats to you and your wife OP! Infertility in a queer relationship can be extra challenging. I'm so sorry your MIL has reacted poorly, but I'm sure you and your wife will be great parents regardless. Good luck with everything!

OP here - thanks for the recommendation and the encouragement! Struggling with infertility is hands-down the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with which makes it even more infuriating that at this time of great celebration I have to deal with this woman's bigotry.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, there are awful MILs everywhere, and this one might very well have behaved in exactly the same way had her daughter married any other person...

Your wife should tell her mother that she is not welcome in your home if she’s not fully on board with your lifestyle, and respectful of your parenting choices. I would really encourage your wife to come to that point, otherwise there may very well be conflict next time MIL comes.

In the meantime, yes, therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you mentioned which one of you is pregnant—will this be your MIL’s biological grandchild?

Regardless, stay very attuned to mental health for both of you, but especially the pregnant wife. Bring these things up at the OB’s office – – and consult your fertility clinic for Therapist ideas too.

OP here -- I am pregnant.

This adds another layer of problems, in that her mother has expressed, with something similar to a sneer and while shaking her head no, that she does not support the idea of adoption because an adopted child is "not your blood, so why would anyone adopt?"

This child will not be genetically related to my MIL. And to her, that matters a lot.

Thank you for the good ideas of raising this with the OB and fertility clinic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post.

DW and I have been together for 20y. ILs refused to come to our wedding (17y ago), but come stay for a week at a time 4x/year. Their visits are pleasant, we get along well, and they are generous. I have bent over backward to be kind, welcoming, and friendly because it means a lot to DW.

When we had our child 15y ago, ILs were shocked (guess they never thought we would have kids?!) and aloof when we first told them the news. But they came around. I think it took awhile for them to realize that DW was just as much her mother and I was (I am the bio parent) and I really made a point for her to provide care in their presence from the first day of their visit (DW holding DD when they got off the plane, DW putting DD in to the car seat, DW answering questions about DD's habits.) Now that it's been 15y, they see us both as DD's parents.

I think people are in different places at different times. I am not sure if ILs would come to our wedding if we had one now, but have been fine with being open with their friends about us and DD.

At some point your wedding will be far behind you. It will matter what happens in the life after. Give your MIL a chance to get past her shock of being a grandmother. She might surprise you.

20y down the road and I don't think about ILs not coming to our wedding. What I care about is how they treat her on a day to day basis, which is supportive and kind.

Good luck.

OP here - thank you for sharing this and for your advice. Didn't the hypocrisy of her parents being willing to stay in your gay home, but not come to your gay wedding drive you crazy? Or did something change after your wedding where they started to be supportive?

So much of me wants to "be the bigger person," and "kill her with kindness," but there is another part of me that just wants to kill her.

My wife's mother is not supportive and is not generous (we subsidize her financially, which I am fine with). In fact, she still pretends like I do not exist. I know she loves her daughter, but that seems to be where it ends.

Her visits pre-wedding were fine. But post-wedding, I honestly struggle with just having her in my home. When she next visits, I will still be pregnant. I am dreading it and really don't need the added stress while pregnant after a 5+ year battle with infertility.

But I love my wife more than anything. She is such an amazing person - a child any parent should be incredibly proud of - and she just does not deserve this. So I will suck it up to the best of my ability.

Maybe her mother will come around... but I doubt it. I hope for all of our sakes, and especially for my wife, that she does. I will do my best to be patient and to "let her surprise me." And if she doesn't, I do not know how I can continue to stomach having her and her bigotry in our lives, and particularly in the life of my child. This is not easy, that is for sure. Unfortunately the person who loses the most, even while this plays out, is my favorite person in the world: my wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Honestly, there are awful MILs everywhere, and this one might very well have behaved in exactly the same way had her daughter married any other person...

Your wife should tell her mother that she is not welcome in your home if she’s not fully on board with your lifestyle, and respectful of your parenting choices. I would really encourage your wife to come to that point, otherwise there may very well be conflict next time MIL comes.

In the meantime, yes, therapy.

OP here.

Your way of thinking is totally in line with mine. I tell you honestly, and those that know me would concur: if my mother behaved this way toward my wife or toward me, she would not be in my life. I would tell her exactly what your suggested, and if my mom didn't get on board, I would not have a relationship with her. This is probably easy for me to say as my mom is the most accepting, lovely, generous person I know.

I have encouraged my wife to set parameters and expectations with her mother. However, they are Asian, which means that they don't talk to each other about anything and that she will likely never have this conversation with her mother. (Yes, I know this is a generalization, but in this instance it is very, very accurate.)

I hope a counselor will guide my wife toward your suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think someone who is familiar with the cultural aspect of this dynamic could be really helpful. Unfortunately I don't know of anyone, but I do think that is playing a HUGE role.

OP here - COMPLETELY agree!

[Anonymous]

No recommendation, but my MIL also didn't react well to our pregnancy news. A few things helped:

1. We gave the kid my partner's last name (e.g. my MIL and our kid share a last name).

2. One of her peers congratulated her. Seriously, this made a HUGE difference. She was sure she'd be shamed, so she confided only in one close friend who said "THAT'S WONDERFUL! YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!" Having a peer be supportive changed her attitude. If there's a way you can make that happen, it could help.

3. We encouraged a visit right after the kid was born. It was hard for me, but it did really solidify her self-concept as our child's grandparent. Who can resist a sleepy newborn?

Our kid is now 4, and my MIL is a distant, but kind presence in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post.

DW and I have been together for 20y. ILs refused to come to our wedding (17y ago), but come stay for a week at a time 4x/year. Their visits are pleasant, we get along well, and they are generous. I have bent over backward to be kind, welcoming, and friendly because it means a lot to DW.

When we had our child 15y ago, ILs were shocked (guess they never thought we would have kids?!) and aloof when we first told them the news. But they came around. I think it took awhile for them to realize that DW was just as much her mother and I was (I am the bio parent) and I really made a point for her to provide care in their presence from the first day of their visit (DW holding DD when they got off the plane, DW putting DD in to the car seat, DW answering questions about DD's habits.) Now that it's been 15y, they see us both as DD's parents.

I think people are in different places at different times. I am not sure if ILs would come to our wedding if we had one now, but have been fine with being open with their friends about us and DD.

At some point your wedding will be far behind you. It will matter what happens in the life after. Give your MIL a chance to get past her shock of being a grandmother. She might surprise you.

20y down the road and I don't think about ILs not coming to our wedding. What I care about is how they treat her on a day to day basis, which is supportive and kind.

Good luck.

OP here - thank you for sharing this and for your advice. Didn't the hypocrisy of her parents being willing to stay in your gay home, but not come to your gay wedding drive you crazy? Or did something change after your wedding where they started to be supportive?

So much of me wants to "be the bigger person," and "kill her with kindness," but there is another part of me that just wants to kill her.

My wife's mother is not supportive and is not generous (we subsidize her financially, which I am fine with). In fact, she still pretends like I do not exist. I know she loves her daughter, but that seems to be where it ends.

Her visits pre-wedding were fine. But post-wedding, I honestly struggle with just having her in my home. When she next visits, I will still be pregnant. I am dreading it and really don't need the added stress while pregnant after a 5+ year battle with infertility.

But I love my wife more than anything. She is such an amazing person - a child any parent should be incredibly proud of - and she just does not deserve this. So I will suck it up to the best of my ability.

Maybe her mother will come around... but I doubt it. I hope for all of our sakes, and especially for my wife, that she does. I will do my best to be patient and to "let her surprise me." And if she doesn't, I do not know how I can continue to stomach having her and her bigotry in our lives, and particularly in the life of my child. This is not easy, that is for sure. Unfortunately the person who loses the most, even while this plays out, is my favorite person in the world: my wife.

I am the PP. I tend to look at the totality of ILs interactions vs just their absence at our wedding. They are supportive of DW, they talk multiple times per week, they are friendly to me when they are in our home, etc. DW isn't harboring any ill will to them (and didn't when we got married) so I believe it is my "duty" to follow her lead. It would crush her if I said they weren't welcome in our home. I also take in consideration where the ILs live (the deep south - born and bred), their history, and the baggage they come with. I have made it my mission to take the high road, and be a living example of what a healthy lesbian relationship looks like. Ironically, our visits with the ILs are 1000x better than with my parents who DID come to our wedding. My parents don't like DW and make it known. They are no longer allowed to stay in our home (per me) due to the way they treat her and my interaction is limited to 2 visits/year for 1-2 days each.

[Anonymous]

That sounds tough OP. Maybe when your baby is born she will embrace him/her. You are smart to look for a counselor in the meantime as it sounds like your wife is very committed to her mother so you don't have the option to keep her away. I know it's tough but try your best to not pay too much attention to the MIL issue as this is a special time for you and your wife to enjoy the pregnancy and you should try your best to not feel stress while carrying.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian mom here: I would definitely give the baby your wife’s last name. Give your last name as the middle name. Not hyphenated, but as the middle name.

This is what we did. I am not a fan of hyphenated last names because eventually one of them gets dropped. But the middle name always stays. Our dd and ds are now teens, and both have my last name as their middle name. I carried them, and my wife’s last name is their last name.

It’s a significant gesture in connecting this baby to your wife’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian mom here: I would definitely give the baby your wife’s last name. Give your last name as the middle name. Not hyphenated, but as the middle name.

This is what we did. I am not a fan of hyphenated last names because eventually one of them gets dropped. But the middle name always stays. Our dd and ds are now teens, and both have my last name as their middle name. I carried them, and my wife’s last name is their last name.

It’s a significant gesture in connecting this baby to your wife’s family.

I don't think you should do this just to allay your MIL. Do it because that's what your wife and you want to do.

[Anonymous]

^^^^Yes, of course. I’m sorry I wasn’t more explicit about that. This is done because both parents want it. I get along fine with my ILs, so the naming wasn’t done to appease or allay any negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

I am straight but have a Taiwanese MIL, and it's tough. My approach is to just kind of stop caring, let my DH handle the the interactions (which drives her nuts, for some reason), and put on a happy face when we see each other. I'm lucky, because they've stopped visiting, and my DH can't understand why--because it's unpleasant for both parties, even though it's not out in the open. Unlike the other PP's experience, my MIL has never let things go, she blames me for not being able to communicate with her grandchildren (they don't speak Chinese, she'd never consider learning English or teaching them Chinese). She is always focused on the negatives, on what she doesn't have or comparing herself to other people, like her brother, whose grandkids speak with him, because he spends half the year in the U.S., which she just wasn't willing to do (and I'd suck it up, if she were).

In any case, maybe it'd make you feel better than being gay is just the focus of your MIL's issues, but if you weren't, it would be something else, like being the wrong ethnic group or whatever. Acceptance of differences isn't part of Chinese culture.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your MIL is a shitty human being who happens to be empowered by her cultural background. Unfortunately, in Chinese culture, it's always child's responsibility to accommodate the parent. And the parent doesn't have any obligation to meet the child half-way or be supportive, especially if it's something they don't understand or agree with. There's also this idea that no matter how shitty your parent is, they are still your parent and you owe them something. It's a cultural dynamic that's hard to escape even as an adult.

Follow your wife's lead- it's her mother. But also be aware due to her cultural upbringing, she may not be able see that her mother is emotionally abusive or toxic. If your MIL is disrespectful or unkind to you and your future children, you may have to draw the line in the sand because she can't.