Reply to Recommendation for counselor for lesbian couple with mother-in-law issues

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I could have written your post.

DW and I have been together for 20y. ILs refused to come to our wedding (17y ago), but come stay for a week at a time 4x/year. Their visits are pleasant, we get along well, and they are generous. I have bent over backward to be kind, welcoming, and friendly because it means a lot to DW.

When we had our child 15y ago, ILs were shocked (guess they never thought we would have kids?!) and aloof when we first told them the news. But they came around. I think it took awhile for them to realize that DW was just as much her mother and I was (I am the bio parent) and I really made a point for her to provide care in their presence from the first day of their visit (DW holding DD when they got off the plane, DW putting DD in to the car seat, DW answering questions about DD's habits.) Now that it's been 15y, they see us both as DD's parents.

I think people are in different places at different times. I am not sure if ILs would come to our wedding if we had one now, but have been fine with being open with their friends about us and DD.

At some point your wedding will be far behind you. It will matter what happens in the life after. Give your MIL a chance to get past her shock of being a grandmother. She might surprise you.

20y down the road and I don't think about ILs not coming to our wedding. What I care about is how they treat her on a day to day basis, which is supportive and kind.

Good luck.

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OP here - thank you for sharing this and for your advice.  Didn't the hypocrisy of her parents being willing to stay in your gay home, but not come to your gay wedding drive you crazy? Or did something change after your wedding where they started to be supportive?

So much of me wants to "be the bigger person," and "kill her with kindness," but there is another part of me that just wants to kill her. :)

My wife's mother is not supportive and is not generous (we subsidize her financially, which I am fine with).  In fact, she still pretends like I do not exist.  I know she loves her daughter, but that seems to be where it ends.

Her visits pre-wedding were fine.  But post-wedding, I honestly struggle with just having her in my home.  When she next visits, I will still be pregnant.  I am dreading it and really don't need the added stress while pregnant after a 5+ year battle with infertility.

But I love my wife more than anything.  She is such an amazing person - a child any parent should be incredibly proud of - and she just does not deserve this.  So I will suck it up to the best of my ability.

Maybe her mother will come around... but I doubt it.  I hope for all of our sakes, and especially for my wife, that she does.  I will do my best to be patient and to "let her surprise me."  And if she doesn't, I do not know how I can continue to stomach having her and her bigotry in our lives, and particularly in the life of my child.  This is not easy, that is for sure.  Unfortunately the person who loses the most, even while this plays out, is my favorite person in the world: my wife.

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I am the PP. I tend to look at the totality of ILs interactions vs just their absence at our wedding. They are supportive of DW, they talk multiple times per week, they are friendly to me when they are in our home, etc. DW isn't harboring any ill will to them (and didn't when we got married) so I believe it is my "duty" to follow her lead. It would crush her if I said they weren't welcome in our home. I also take in consideration where the ILs live (the deep south - born and bred), their history, and the baggage they come with. I have made it my mission to take the high road, and be a living example of what a healthy lesbian relationship looks like. Ironically, our visits with the ILs are 1000x better than with my parents who DID come to our wedding. My parents don't like DW and make it known. They are no longer allowed to stay in our home (per me) due to the way they treat her and my interaction is limited to 2 visits/year for 1-2 days each.  [/quote]

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