Recommendation for counselor for lesbian couple with mother-in-law issues
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Anonymous
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We are a lesbian couple who have been married for 7 years. We have a great thing - happy, loving, supportive.
When we got married, her mother refused to come to our wedding because we are gay. My wife is Chinese, and my understanding is that this wasn't a religious thing, just a her mom is "old fashioned" thing. Despite this, her mother still comes annually to our home and wants to set up residence for 6+ weeks (long visits to adult children are common in their culture). As you can imagine, I struggle with this - the woman who rejected her daughter for marrying me, but finds it appropriate to spend lengthy periods of time under my roof. Still, I've dealt with it and just sucked it up for the sake of my amazing wife who is devastated by her mother's lack of support. I really do not want to add to my wife's pain, so have worked hard to hold my tongue (... this is a rather amazing feat for me, as I am not known for subtlety.) Now, things have changed. After struggling with infertility for an extended period, we are expecting a baby -- the first grandchild for her mother, and really, the only chance for a grandchild for her mother as my wife's siblings will not have kids. We told her mom our wonderful news about having a baby, and her reaction was... TERRIBLE. She essentially did not acknowledge what she'd heard and then immediately changed the subject. My wife was, once again, devastated by her mother's lack of support. (And just how do you think that made me feel about my mother-in-law, on top of the feelings I already had about her not coming to our wedding, not supporting her daughter, etc.??) While I am just furious, and quietly seething, the person who really loses is my beautiful wife. How terrible that she has to endure this hurtful rejection. So there's the background -- my question is, does anyone have a recommendation for a counselor who has worked with gay couples who can help us navigate this? I am so concerned about even having her mother around our child and the venom she could spew. I am also concerned about the ongoing tension and conflict this creates in our marriage - it is the one issue we have and it keeps rearing its ugly head. My instinct is to lay down the law and give an ultimatum on this, but that is obviously not ideal. I keep hoping my wife will put her foot down and establish some boundaries/expectations with her mother, but I do not think that is going to happen. So maybe some intervention in terms of counseling will assist? If anyone has other ideas, I'm all ears (and desperate)! |
Anonymous
| Does the mother live in China, coming for long visits, or state-side but far away, or what? |
Anonymous
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Your wife is an adult and I think you have to accept that she must navigate her own relationship with her mom. Just be understanding and supportive.
However, you have a duty to protect your child if grandma is unkind. Give grandma a chance to come around but if you catch even a whiff of rejection towards baby, grandma is cut off. And yes I think a counselor may he needed to endure your wife is on board with this. |
Anonymous
Ageee. This is your wife’s issue to navigate. You support her on that journey. If she wants your help, she will ask for it. Once the child is born you both have to agree on how to navigate this together. |
Anonymous
| I'm going to say that you don't have to allow someone who emotionally abuses both of you and doesn't accept you to live at your house for 6 weeks. Put a 1 week limit on her house stays. I feel like you've given this MIL everything and she hasn't reciprocated in the least. |
Anonymous
| Couples counseling to help you both deal with it as a couple, and also figure out how to protect your child. And your shoes I would be worried about how Grandma is going to negatively affect your child with her homophobia. |
Anonymous
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Wow, OP. First, congratulations! And, I’m sorry you and your wife have to deal with this. As a lesbian mom, I’m thinking any good couples counselor will be fine. But if you’re looking for someone who’s worked specifically with issues such as this, I recommend Robyn Zeiger. She’s in Silver Spring and an excellent therapist in the community. .
Hang in there. https://www.drrobynzeiger.com/ |
Anonymous
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Not sure about this specific type of problem, but I know people who have liked working with Dr. Julie Bindeman in Rockville.
https://greaterwashingtontherapy.com Also, a PP poster said, congrats to you and your wife OP! Infertility in a queer relationship can be extra challenging. I'm so sorry your MIL has reacted poorly, but I'm sure you and your wife will be great parents regardless. Good luck with everything! |
Anonymous
| I actually think someone who is familiar with the cultural aspect of this dynamic could be really helpful. Unfortunately I don't know of anyone, but I do think that is playing a HUGE role. |
Anonymous
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I don’t think you mentioned which one of you is pregnant—will this be your MIL’s biological grandchild?
Regardless, stay very attuned to mental health for both of you, but especially the pregnant wife. Bring these things up at the OB’s office – – and consult your fertility clinic for Therapist ideas too. |
Anonymous
OP here - her mother spends part of the year in California and part of the year in China.... |
Anonymous
While I agree that this is my wife's to navigate, I will point out that it affects us both, and affects our relationship. Soon, it will affect our child as well. Not to mention that her mother stays in my home for nearly two months each year -- trust me, I have to do my fair share of "navigating" this, too. |
Anonymous
OP here - you are speaking my language... but that is not my wife's reaction. Even with all of the rejection and disrespect, my wife would like her to stay with us for as long as possible. |
Anonymous
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I could have written your post.
DW and I have been together for 20y. ILs refused to come to our wedding (17y ago), but come stay for a week at a time 4x/year. Their visits are pleasant, we get along well, and they are generous. I have bent over backward to be kind, welcoming, and friendly because it means a lot to DW. When we had our child 15y ago, ILs were shocked (guess they never thought we would have kids?!) and aloof when we first told them the news. But they came around. I think it took awhile for them to realize that DW was just as much her mother and I was (I am the bio parent) and I really made a point for her to provide care in their presence from the first day of their visit (DW holding DD when they got off the plane, DW putting DD in to the car seat, DW answering questions about DD's habits.) Now that it's been 15y, they see us both as DD's parents. I think people are in different places at different times. I am not sure if ILs would come to our wedding if we had one now, but have been fine with being open with their friends about us and DD. At some point your wedding will be far behind you. It will matter what happens in the life after. Give your MIL a chance to get past her shock of being a grandmother. She might surprise you. 20y down the road and I don't think about ILs not coming to our wedding. What I care about is how they treat her on a day to day basis, which is supportive and kind. Good luck. |
Anonymous
OP here - thanks for the recommendation. Very appreciated. |