So my teen is back from a week away, and I was not looking forward to her being back

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP- my DS was away last week, and I was looking forward to having him back. He immediately wanted to spend all of his time on his phone/laptop and started immediately acting belligerent and difficult. It was a letdown. I noticed that once he caught up on sleep and got back into our home routine, things got better.
The thing with the party-- does your DD seem like she doesn't care that she's late or that she can't manage time? Among other things, I was perpetually late all through my twenties because I did everything at the last minute and made no contingencies for parking, traffic, the possibility of getting lost, etc. I could have used some coaching in a non-judgmental way. My DS does have ADHD and it is hereditary, so I guess it's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The universe make teens annoying so you want them to leave the nest.

+ 1

THIS. It is a way for them to fledge. They become better in their 20s. Much, much, much better!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the support!

Re the armchair dx of ADHD, we actually have run her through testing for a variety of things and get the results tomorrow.

But regardless of that idea, I agree with the PP who said that it's hard even for an NT teen to get back from camp and turn it around to go to a party. It's not set up for success.

I spoke with my DH about my secret lack-of-enthusiasm-for-her-return, and he said I've still got PTSD from (a stressful time we had with DD a few months ago). And DD has always, always been hard to parent.

I think the one PP who thinks I'm hyper-critical/disappointed is off point, but I get it on how they could think this way as my OP isn't too detailed. But sometimes I wonder, do PPs with these comments actually have a teen? There's a funny saying, "I was a fantastic parent, until I had kids of my own." I think that applies to parents of younger kids who are giving advice to parents of teenagers! I have been guilty of that myself. Anyways, maybe that PP just has a wonderful, compliant teen. I've got one of each, and the range of easy-to-difficult is NOT a result of my parenting or too-high-standards.

I will miss her when she is gone to college, and I'll love going to see her. But no, I won't miss her terribly. I'm really "over" this part of my life and am looking forward to the next stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the support!

Re the armchair dx of ADHD, we actually have run her through testing for a variety of things and get the results tomorrow.

But regardless of that idea, I agree with the PP who said that it's hard even for an NT teen to get back from camp and turn it around to go to a party. It's not set up for success.

I spoke with my DH about my secret lack-of-enthusiasm-for-her-return, and he said I've still got PTSD from (a stressful time we had with DD a few months ago). And DD has always, always been hard to parent.

I think the one PP who thinks I'm hyper-critical/disappointed is off point, but I get it on how they could think this way as my OP isn't too detailed. But sometimes I wonder, do PPs with these comments actually have a teen? There's a funny saying, "I was a fantastic parent, until I had kids of my own." I think that applies to parents of younger kids who are giving advice to parents of teenagers! I have been guilty of that myself. Anyways, maybe that PP just has a wonderful, compliant teen. I've got one of each, and the range of easy-to-difficult is NOT a result of my parenting or too-high-standards.

I will miss her when she is gone to college, and I'll love going to see her. But no, I won't miss her terribly. I'm really "over" this part of my life and am looking forward to the next stage.

OP - I'm the PP who suggested you reflect, and about whom you wondered if I had a teen. I thank you for your openness on how I got there from rereading. But you should know I do have a teen and he and I did have some rough years (your comment that I have a wonderful compliant teen would be laughable if you met us). When I recommended reflection about disappointment, I was speaking from experience. Maybe I'm still off-base, but since you had a rough time recently and seem to have PTSD, I throw out there that she might, as well. No teen truly wants to be difficult and sometimes it is on us to reflect how we got where we got and we are perceived, rather than just our intent.

And yeah, it is perfectly OK to be less than happy the kid is back. BTDT. Normal, and expected. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If she’s habitually late, she could have inattentive ADHD and need medication for that. Have you explored whether her issues are more than the usual teen moods? You can consult a reputable psychologist. It’s hard to go through childhood with untreated disorders...

Wow, the armchair DX of ADHD came so quickly this time.

Well done! You all never fail me.

DP. Your criticism doesn't help OP. My DD is exactly the same - she would be in the shower an hour after she was supposed to be ready for an event. Her diagnosis is HFA (on the spectrum autism), ADHD and anxiety disorder. She's now in late 20s and on meds. Nothing changes. Fortunately, she has a job but she's late almost every morning. She will learn the hard way that employers expect their staff to be on time. So, yes, I think the DD may need to be evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds exactly like my DD and my feelings about her. No advice, just know you are not alone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If she’s habitually late, she could have inattentive ADHD and need medication for that. Have you explored whether her issues are more than the usual teen moods? You can consult a reputable psychologist. It’s hard to go through childhood with untreated disorders...

Wow, the armchair DX of ADHD came so quickly this time.

Well done! You all never fail me.

DP. Your criticism doesn't help OP. My DD is exactly the same - she would be in the shower an hour after she was supposed to be ready for an event. Her diagnosis is HFA (on the spectrum autism), ADHD and anxiety disorder. She's now in late 20s and on meds. Nothing changes. Fortunately, she has a job but she's late almost every morning. She will learn the hard way that employers expect their staff to be on time. So, yes, I think the DD may need to be evaluated.

What good did the evaluation do for your kid? She has multiple diwgnosss and meds but she’s still late.

[Anonymous]

I have two teens. One has always been exceptionally hard. I kind of miss them when they’re gone but not really. I need the time to refuel and I think they need the change of pace too. One teen goes to sleep away camp and does service trips so she’s gone a lot and she’s the easier one. The difficult one is rarely away but when he is it’s good for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Op here and both have ADHD, LDs, one has s complicated mental illness , one has a chronic disease, both have anxiety, one has depression. I love them dearly but nothing about this has been remotely easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and both have ADHD, LDs, one has s complicated mental illness , one has a chronic disease, both have anxiety, one has depression. I love them dearly but nothing about this has been remotely easy.

I'm OP. Not sure who the above is, if they made a typing error or are being sarcastic.

Anyways, 12:55, I'll give your post some thought. And thank you other PPs just for saying I'm not alone in this. DD is back and in fine form, snarky, and won't write a thank you note to an adult who actually hosted her for a night last week..."I'll get to it!" argh. Don't want to turn that into a power tussle so I'm trying to be patient, but I hate it when it involves 3rd parties.

Then to put it all in perspective; I was talking to a mom of a rising 7th grader at another school. She worries about her son because of the stuff that's going on in his social circle. A kid in her son's class has run away from home, so the rising 7th grade moms have all been trying to find him. He was found at a girl's house who is a known drug dealer (just graduated 6th grade, and she's a drug dealer!) and the runaway kid has already been in rehab twice for cocaine use. This story sounds so incredible to me, but I know it's possible.

So I need to step back and really be thankful if getting snark and entitlement from a rising 11th grader is the only problem on my plate. I need to sit with that. hmm. 30 seconds of sitting with that and I'd like to go and give her a goodnight kiss (but I won't because it will backfire).

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice, just sympathy.

And I especially feel you on the different kids...my mom always told me that my sisters and me were born with fully-fledged personalities and her ideas of writing on a blank slate went completely out the window from day one. And since I'm the oldest, I was able to see her point first-hand.

That helped prepare me for the reality that there's only so much parenting can do given our kids' innate personalities and characteristics, but in my struggles with my 14 year old dd (middle child and first girl) it's hard not to take it personally when she's prickly, distant, and difficult.
She's been independent pretty much since the day she was born, but her need to individuate by pushing me away is at such an extreme right now it's difficult to keep reaching out. I really hope she comes out the other side of adolescence at some point and we can develop a closer relationship again, but it's hard to look forward that many years and hold onto hope today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here and both have ADHD, LDs, one has s complicated mental illness , one has a chronic disease, both have anxiety, one has depression. I love them dearly but nothing about this has been remotely easy.

I'm OP. Not sure who the above is, if they made a typing error or are being sarcastic.

Anyways, 12:55, I'll give your post some thought. And thank you other PPs just for saying I'm not alone in this. DD is back and in fine form, snarky, and won't write a thank you note to an adult who actually hosted her for a night last week..."I'll get to it!" argh. Don't want to turn that into a power tussle so I'm trying to be patient, but I hate it when it involves 3rd parties.

Then to put it all in perspective; I was talking to a mom of a rising 7th grader at another school. She worries about her son because of the stuff that's going on in his social circle. A kid in her son's class has run away from home, so the rising 7th grade moms have all been trying to find him. He was found at a girl's house who is a known drug dealer (just graduated 6th grade, and she's a drug dealer!) and the runaway kid has already been in rehab twice for cocaine use. This story sounds so incredible to me, but I know it's possible.

So I need to step back and really be thankful if getting snark and entitlement from a rising 11th grader is the only problem on my plate. I need to sit with that. hmm. 30 seconds of sitting with that and I'd like to go and give her a goodnight kiss (but I won't because it will backfire).

Soooo sorry!! That was me and I meant to write PP NOT OP sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This one has always been a high maintenance tough one. I faked enthusiasm for her return. She got home at noon. A friend had a small birthday party and they picked the date/time (tonight) partly so she could attend. The party started an hour ago and she's still in the shower. I swear, if I were this kid's mom, I would counsel him not to be friends with my DD.

I try to remind myself that my kid tries reasonably hard in school, is not into drugs, alcohol, or sex. And she has a lot of great qualities. What I mean is, she's really not that bad when I think about how bad a teen could be. I also believe that as a young adult, I think we'll have a decent relationship. But raising her has been no picnic, and I'm a little sad right now.

Think about the times she will be gone from the home for good.. and you will miss her and every single little thing.

You must not have a difficult teen.

I get it OP. My teen has been gone for ten days, and it has been heavenly. College can’t come soon enough.

Amen to you both. My kid is working at a camp this summer and I am on Cloud 9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If she’s habitually late, she could have inattentive ADHD and need medication for that. Have you explored whether her issues are more than the usual teen moods? You can consult a reputable psychologist. It’s hard to go through childhood with untreated disorders...

Wow, the armchair DX of ADHD came so quickly this time.

Well done! You all never fail me.

DP. Your criticism doesn't help OP. My DD is exactly the same - she would be in the shower an hour after she was supposed to be ready for an event. Her diagnosis is HFA (on the spectrum autism), ADHD and anxiety disorder. She's now in late 20s and on meds. Nothing changes. Fortunately, she has a job but she's late almost every morning. She will learn the hard way that employers expect their staff to be on time. So, yes, I think the DD may need to be evaluated.

What good did the evaluation do for your kid? She has multiple diwgnosss and meds but she’s still late.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If she’s habitually late, she could have inattentive ADHD and need medication for that. Have you explored whether her issues are more than the usual teen moods? You can consult a reputable psychologist. It’s hard to go through childhood with untreated disorders...

Wow, the armchair DX of ADHD came so quickly this time.

Well done! You all never fail me.

+1