Sometimes I feel like people are competing about being busy

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

Ours are 3 and 6. We sign them up for minimal stuff and usually do it as aftercare when possible. We almost never do play dates but my kids have plenty of friends at school and they hang out after school on the playground a lot. They have a lot of peers who have 2-4 things going on each weekend. The parents also have demanding careers and big expenses ($2M homes, multiple cars, big trips, etc.) and they always seem so tapped out — no wonder. I have no idea why people choose to live like that because none of them seem at peace with anything in their lives. I realize as kids get older they will do more, but my weekend is pretty sacred so until they are doing club ball, we don't sign them up for anything. That's family chill time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Competing for busy is seemingly a DC badge of honor in a game I don’t want to play. I want room for impromptu events and unstructured play. Praying that as our LO gets older we don’t fall into the trap!

That's why we left DC. I tried to schedule playdates and people were busy for the next SIX WEEKS! No thanks.

We're in DC but most of our friends do last minute impromptu things which is great. DC wasn't your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The worst is yet to come.

Young children don't *need* activities unless they are extremely energetic, have special needs, or are showing precocious talent.

But in our "whole child, not just grades" society, middle and high schoolers need at least one, if not more, extra-curriculars to show colleges what they've been doing outside of school. By that time, they've got their favorite hobbies and beg you to keep doing X, Y and Z. For these older kids, some activities can start at 5am, or go until 10pm. Someone has to drive/carpool until they can reliably drive themselves to them. With multiple kids in a family at that stage, you get the feeling you're flying by the seat of your pants every season, all school year. And then there are the intensives/specialty camps in summer, to polish your skills... for the more expensive sports, we're talking tens of thousands of dollars a year.

So bide your time and save your money, parents of young children. Soon no one will have dinner at the same time and weekends will be on the road...

+1
We are at this point now. I thought my kids' schedules kept us busy in their younger years but had no idea what was ahead!

[Anonymous]

Moms in this area 100% are. People view it as a badge of honor or an indication of worth and importance here. It drives me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

Ours are 3 and 6. We sign them up for minimal stuff and usually do it as aftercare when possible. We almost never do play dates but my kids have plenty of friends at school and they hang out after school on the playground a lot. They have a lot of peers who have 2-4 things going on each weekend. The parents also have demanding careers and big expenses ($2M homes, multiple cars, big trips, etc.) and they always seem so tapped out — no wonder. I have no idea why people choose to live like that because none of them seem at peace with anything in their lives. I realize as kids get older they will do more, but my weekend is pretty sacred so until they are doing club ball, we don't sign them up for anything. That's family chill time.

That's all very easy to do when your kids are 3 and 6, but see the posts earlier about middle school. Eventually you may find that your six year old is passionate about dance, or your three year old wants to join the junior symphony as a trumpist. Are you really going to say no to preserve your weekends? And get ready because that one activity your child is passionate about - that colleges by the way would look very favorably upon - requires going 2-3 times a week, and now you are doubling that for two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skip tennis.

And drop the playdates during the school year. We allow a seasonal sleepover, but the kids get enough play time with neighborhood free time, Sunday school and sports.

This is the only way we are able to function at a sane level with our three kids, each of whom has a sport/activity per season plus instrument.

Birthday parties we say yes to, but not playdates except during the summer when we can invite a kid to the pool or something easy like that.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, it seems ironic to me that this thread has exactly proven your point about being competitively busy. Of course, the lesson that seems to be repetitive is that your child must be busy doing formal activities, which then allows for them to not participate in any social activities like parties and sleepovers.


As long as they have an instrument, a sport, and tutoring, then you aren’t required to ensure they also have a childhood or friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, it seems ironic to me that this thread has exactly proven your point about being competitively busy. Of course, the lesson that seems to be repetitive is that your child must be busy doing formal activities, which then allows for them to not participate in any social activities like parties and sleepovers.


As long as they have an instrument, a sport, and tutoring, then you aren’t required to ensure they also have a childhood or friends.

Though, spoken from someone who sounds like they don’t have a kid who does sports. I have 3 kids. 2 are old enough for sports. So we when kid is on a team, my other kids are already friends or make friends with other siblings of kids on the team. So while one kid has a sports game with friends (we coordinate when signing up or even coordinate with tryouts as much as we are able), my other kids have 1-2 hours of total free play outdoors to run & explore with friends.

[Anonymous]

Much respect to the families with multiple kids. We have one and I cannot imagine getting more then one to the activities that he likes doing. During the school year we have one after school enrichment, one sport, Cub Scouts, and swimming. DS has flat out said no to tennis because he likes having some free days during the week. He asks to do the sport, enrichment, and Cub Scouts but those are more then enough.

I have no clue how people with multiple kids get them to everything. I mean, I do, because I see the carpooling and have picked up friends kids at school so they could go to event X with us, but it strikes me as so much more challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Much respect to the families with multiple kids. We have one and I cannot imagine getting more then one to the activities that he likes doing. During the school year we have one after school enrichment, one sport, Cub Scouts, and swimming. DS has flat out said no to tennis because he likes having some free days during the week. He asks to do the sport, enrichment, and Cub Scouts but those are more then enough.

I have no clue how people with multiple kids get them to everything. I mean, I do, because I see the carpooling and have picked up friends kids at school so they could go to event X with us, but it strikes me as so much more challenging.

Op here. I haven’t found anyone to carpool with. We are new to area AND live in a high traffic area. It can take 30 minutes to drive 2 miles during rush hour.

In our old neighborhood, practice times were also during rush hour and even though traffic wasn’t quite as bad, it was still bad. Driving 1 mile to pick up friend was a huge inconvenience. We swapped favors when in a bind but it was never a regular thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, it seems ironic to me that this thread has exactly proven your point about being competitively busy. Of course, the lesson that seems to be repetitive is that your child must be busy doing formal activities, which then allows for them to not participate in any social activities like parties and sleepovers.


As long as they have an instrument, a sport, and tutoring, then you aren’t required to ensure they also have a childhood or friends.

I don't think you realize how social those activities like sport and orchestra and dance are, in and of themselves. And many parents don't do sleepovers for other reasons besides activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, it seems ironic to me that this thread has exactly proven your point about being competitively busy. Of course, the lesson that seems to be repetitive is that your child must be busy doing formal activities, which then allows for them to not participate in any social activities like parties and sleepovers.


As long as they have an instrument, a sport, and tutoring, then you aren’t required to ensure they also have a childhood or friends.

I don't think you realize how social those activities like sport and orchestra and dance are, in and of themselves. And many parents don't do sleepovers for other reasons besides activities.

Well, they are social, but not in the way a play date, sleep over, or birthday party are. Do you find work team building events as social as a dinner party in your own home?

And yes, I do understand how social activities *can* be, but they’re not when you’re rushing your kids from one to the other. They’re not when they have absolutely no down time for your children to explore relationships outside of practice or events.

Your post just illustrates the obvious: parents believe “busy” is better. There’s no room for just making friends on the playground, or hanging out in the basement. It’s the reason so many people feel such a loss of social connection, why there is no such thing as “community” anymore (other than ethnicities that promote it), why more and more adults and young people feel socially isolated.

Without being dramatic, people don’t need therapy or worse later in life because they never learned to play the oboe. They do it because they are having trouble forming meaningful relationships with withering family, or feel isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, it seems ironic to me that this thread has exactly proven your point about being competitively busy. Of course, the lesson that seems to be repetitive is that your child must be busy doing formal activities, which then allows for them to not participate in any social activities like parties and sleepovers.


As long as they have an instrument, a sport, and tutoring, then you aren’t required to ensure they also have a childhood or friends.

I don't think you realize how social those activities like sport and orchestra and dance are, in and of themselves. And many parents don't do sleepovers for other reasons besides activities.

Well, they are social, but not in the way a play date, sleep over, or birthday party are. Do you find work team building events as social as a dinner party in your own home?

And yes, I do understand how social activities *can* be, but they’re not when you’re rushing your kids from one to the other. They’re not when they have absolutely no down time for your children to explore relationships outside of practice or events.

Your post just illustrates the obvious: parents believe “busy” is better. There’s no room for just making friends on the playground, or hanging out in the basement. It’s the reason so many people feel such a loss of social connection, why there is no such thing as “community” anymore (other than ethnicities that promote it), why more and more adults and young people feel socially isolated.

Without being dramatic, people don’t need therapy or worse later in life because they never learned to play the oboe. They do it because they are having trouble forming meaningful relationships with withering family, or feel isolated.

I think families with multiple kids are going to run into the busy issue no matter what. If each child is limited to even one activity after school then that is three nights a week that each kid, and their siblings, have to go to an event. Then add in the games (eventually those will be during the week) and you have a full schedule with one activity for each kid. And the activities are good for kids. And they are fun and social so I can understand wanting to have your child in an activity and the kids wanting to be in an activity.

Like I said, major props to the parents of multiple kids who are trying to juggle all this.

[Anonymous]

I agree op. I’m a parent of an only and I can never get a play date. Everyone is always too busy. My son plays a sport each season and does karate, but it’s not the same as kids getting together at a house and playing. I’m about to look for an only child support group to see if any other parents want to set up play dates. I’ve also considered maybe the parents don’t want to hang with me or my son which has given me a complex as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree op. I’m a parent of an only and I can never get a play date. Everyone is always too busy. My son plays a sport each season and does karate, but it’s not the same as kids getting together at a house and playing. I’m about to look for an only child support group to see if any other parents want to set up play dates. I’ve also considered maybe the parents don’t want to hang with me or my son which has given me a complex as well.

We have a variety of parenting/activity types in our neighborhood. We have friends that it is hard to set up a play date because their kids are super busy. We have friends where it is easy, spur of the moment text because the kids are only doing one activity. (shrugs)

I can't wait for DS to be a few years older and we can let him range a bit farther on his own because it will open up a few more options.

Maybe it is our friend base but we have a standing play date on Friday (and it really is more play then play date but it is scheduled because it is easy for the parents and kids) and tend to be able to find a friend to have over on the weekend pretty easily.