I am dreading my brother’s wedding and I feel like a terrible person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, are you guys Mormon or something? No one gets married in their early 20s these days!

Most Southerners do as well. I went to college in the South and most of my friends who were from the South or who stayed in the area post-grad got married by 25. I was still single at 29 and received nothing but pity from them. One even offered to get me an appointment with her cousin who is a fertility specialist so I could look into freezing my eggs before all of the good ones were gone.

OP: not Mormon, very Christian. I am religious, but nowhere near the way a lot of people I grew up with were (get married super young, don’t sleep with anyone before marriage, etc). It really skews your perspective as to what’s normal.

Getting married young is not typical. And even if it was, that’s not your path. Would you rather be married to the wrong person at 25 or the right one at 40?

[Anonymous]

OP, I met my husband at a wedding. Plan to go, look fabulous, and have the mindset that you’re going to have a good time. If you meet someone, so much the better! If you don’t, you’ve had a great time and shared your brothers happiness.

[Anonymous]

OP I was you for a looooong time. All I can say now that I’m married with two kids is I look back at what a complete f&$%#*> idiot I was to waste so much time pining over what I didn’t have. Not saying it didn’t suck - it did, a lot. There was a lot of loneliness. By the time I was in my early 30s I stopped wallowing in it and found some good friends and started doing a lot more fun things, and traveling. You will not meet the right person when you are obsessed with not being alone. You will meet the right person when you are living your life and doing what you like, and find they are there too. Don’t be too hard on yourself, your feelings are normal. And good for you for being so good on the surface with everything. Good luck.

And PP is right - so many people I know who married in their 20s are divorced now (I’m in my 40s). Better to get it right than get it quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I was you for a looooong time. All I can say now that I’m married with two kids is I look back at what a complete f&$%#*> idiot I was to waste so much time pining over what I didn’t have. Not saying it didn’t suck - it did, a lot. There was a lot of loneliness. By the time I was in my early 30s I stopped wallowing in it and found some good friends and started doing a lot more fun things, and traveling. You will not meet the right person when you are obsessed with not being alone. You will meet the right person when you are living your life and doing what you like, and find they are there too. Don’t be too hard on yourself, your feelings are normal. And good for you for being so good on the surface with everything. Good luck.

And PP is right - so many people I know who married in their 20s are divorced now (I’m in my 40s). Better to get it right than get it quick.

This Op. Mid 20's and single is fine. Live your life, enjoy your 20's, travel, go out. One day you will be walking down the aisle, it will be ok. I worried too in my 20's and it was a complete waste of time. Good for you faking your happiness for your brother, please don't ever let him know how you feel. Work on a good relationship with your new SIL. It will all work out.

[Anonymous]

Omg being single and in your mind twenties is awesome! I'm 48, happily married with kids, but would kill to trade places with you for just a week just so I could taste that life again. You don't know how good you have it. So much possibility out there for you, and an epic adventure or great romance could be just around the corner. So exciting. You are young, the world is your oyster, and trust me, you should buy yourself a gorgeous dress and dance the night away in celebration of youth and beauty!

[Anonymous]

OP, like you I am Christian and I was one of those people you grew up with. Got married at 21. Virgin.
Sooooooo much to overcome from that mentality that I could write a whole book! I don't have a "we got divorced at 30" story. Still with my DH, but believe me when I tell you that it took a lot of ups and down and wading through some baggage because you change so much in your 20s.

Like other PPs have said, make a decision now to go and look your absolute fabulous best! Do this for YOU, not for anyone else. Though it doesn't hurt that a side effect of your glowing confidence will be that lots of positive comments will be thrown your way!

However, keeping in mind that I know this set well, you need a clever or witty response for the inevitably well-meaning remark. Meet the helpful "Larla...are we going to get you married off next?" with "Well, we'll see what the Lord has planned..." (mysteriously happy smile) ...
Or "Larla, be sure to get up there and catch the bouquet!" with "God helps those who help themselves, right Aunt Marge?" (big wink)

Just have fun with your "status" rather than be embarrassed by it--as it isn't anything to be embarrassed about. At all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t get married to DH until I was 40. Most of my friends who got married in their early 20’s are divorce and on their 2nd marriage.

Life is not a race. Getting there first doesn’t mean he wins.

And lots of women I know with that attitude (and panic) about not being married yet, end up in horrible marriage or divorced. The goal isn’t to get married. The goal is to find happiness and fulfillment in your life. And when a guy comes along that adds to your happiness and fulfillment, you may ask him to join you on your journey...or you might not

+1. I didn't get married until I was 35. When I was in my 20s/early 30s, I never expected to get married. Never thought a compatible guy would find me attractive (a lot of losers did, what's that say about me? ). So, as the PP said, I focused on finding happiness and fulfillment in my life - and I did. I would have preferred to have had a life partner but I took responsibility for my own happiness.

I've been happily (for the most part) married for 20 years and have 3 kids. Yet, I still have great friends who are single and happy - by choice. There's always someone out there if your goal is to be married but your goal should be happiness and fulfillment.

[Anonymous]

Loving all the advice you're getting here OP.

Just decide that the wedding is going to be a fun party - probably filled w/ lots of people your age who will be ready to have fun. It's just a big happy party w/ lots of people you know and maybe some fun ones you don't know yet.

I can guarantee you won't be the only one there having mixed feelings, but you CAN be the one who gets everybody out on the dance floor!

Go. Have a great time. Celebrate your brother. Remind yourself you have DECADES to live yet. And maybe plan some fun adventure for yourself the day or weekend after that you wouldn't be able to do if you weren't flying solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger brother is getting married this summer. I’m in my mid 20s and single, feel very insecure about that and the absolute last thing I want to do is go to any weddings. On the surface I have been SO NICE about the entire thing, have sent thoughtful and personalized engagement and shower gifts, have a lovely gift for the wedding, talk about how excited I am, but I am not looking forward to the entire event and can’t wait till it’s over. I feel like a terrible person and just had to get this off my chest.

People have whatever feelings they have, it's what they do with them that counts. In your case, you're lovingly putting aside your feelings to make the focus your brother and SIL's happiness. That's not what a terrible person does. Hang in there; your time will come.

[Anonymous]

I bet you'll get married in exactly a year. My dh was single and jealous at his brother's wedding, we started dating right after and were married the next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you'll get married in exactly a year. My dh was single and jealous at his brother's wedding, we started dating right after and were married the next year.

Not likely and not helpful. As PPs have says, marriage is not the goal. Happiness and fulfillment is.

[Anonymous]

We are religious, and marriage is what we do when we find a like-minded person and fall in love.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I was maybe 26 when my younger sister got married and then two weeks later my older brother got married. So there were a lot of jokes about me getting married two weeks after that. I was a little uncomfortable because I'd always been bad at relationships and didn't expect to get married any time soon.

Fast forward. My brother and sister both ended up getting divorced from their spouses. They remarried but my brother got divorced a second time. Me, I worked on my issues and I ended up getting married at 34 and am still married to that guy 30 years later.

I know this is tough on you but you don't know where anyone is going to end up in the long run. You don't know what life holds in store for your brother or you. Hang in there. Be gentle with him and gentle with yourself. And have fun!

[Anonymous]

Raised Catholic, married at 23, turned out to be abusive physically and mentally, divorced by 29.

I decided to embrace being single and just to live my life for me. Went to a ton of therapy, figured out some stuff, lived alone for the first time- it was amazing!! I decided I would be fine being single forever if the other choice was being lonely in a bad marriage- that's a much worse feeling.
Then of course finally found the perfect guy once I was truly happy alone! (3kids, 15 years together)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raised Catholic, married at 23, turned out to be abusive physically and mentally, divorced by 29.

I decided to embrace being single and just to live my life for me. Went to a ton of therapy, figured out some stuff, lived alone for the first time- it was amazing!! I decided I would be fine being single forever if the other choice was being lonely in a bad marriage- that's a much worse feeling.
Then of course finally found the perfect guy once I was truly happy alone! (3kids, 15 years together)

Me too! Though I don’t have/want kids. Took really having time to myself and getting kicked in the ass by a divorce to really start to appreciate and love myself without another person. I don’t know who I’d be today if I didn’t go through what I went through.

You have so much life ahead of you, OP.