Bilingual - children refusing to learn the language.

[Anonymous]

You send the kids to their grandparents in your home country for the summer

[Anonymous]

Kids are 7, 5, and 2. We stopped English at home. Kids can speak whatever they want, but we always reply in our language. I don't know how far we'd go if the kids put up a real fight, but for now, it has helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a kid where my parents spoke a second language at home but I lost it. It's common, it goes like this: the kids speak and understand it just fine before they go to school. Once they enter school, they start wanting to speak English more (it's what they speak all day at school, it's easier to keep using it than switch back at home, sometimes it seems "uncool" to speak that language). So you end up in a situation where you speak the second language to them and they reply in English.

They will have perfect understanding, but eventually will lose the ability to speak even if they wanted to. The brain is very weird: if I thought to myself, I want to say "there is a red car and a blue car on the street in front of me" in my parents' language, I cannot think of the words or how to say it. My mind just draws a blank. But if someone said that to me in that language, I know what was said. Must be something about brain pathways.

I regret not keeping up with that language; your kids probably will too as adults but it's hard for kids to understand. Maybe take them to travel in a country where they speak that language or try making it a game where you have to keep conversation going and first one to switch to english loses?

+1. My spouse started replying in English to parents once moved to an anglophone country, and now cannot speak the language at all (understands just a little). I know this was also a concern for some families at my child's school--kids started replying in English, and so parents put them in immersion school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are bilingual. We do try to talk our language at home but we use English also and have tried to converse mostly in our language. They reply in English. Our kids attend our language class but we have complaints that they never pay attention in class and just do whatever they want to do since they do not understand what is being spoken. They are not even trying. Spouse does not care if they learn the language or not. It took me almost 2 hours to teach 4 easy rhyming sentences that were already taught in class ( it was basically the same sentence with only the first word changing each time) and yet they don't remember. I don't think I can continue like that. I am losing my sanity whenever I try to teach our language. Nothing seems to work and I am just ready to give up. How do you handle this? Do you hire a tutor for the language to do one on one. Any experiences with this? Kids are in ES.

Hi OP,

Is this a sudden development or was it a gradual transition? Were your kids ever willing to speak your language. Have they ever been able to memorize rhymes? What about when the older one was an only child? What you are describing is something where you are teaching an ES kid a new language, not a situation where your kids already have a familiarity with your native language.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. Looks like I'm not alone and perseverance pays off. I just wish they would understand now that it is good to know more than one language. I will try keeping at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi OP,

Is this a sudden development or was it a gradual transition? Were your kids ever willing to speak your language. Have they ever been able to memorize rhymes? What about when the older one was an only child? What you are describing is something where you are teaching an ES kid a new language, not a situation where your kids already have a familiarity with your native language.

Its like the other poster said - when they were younger they used to speak my language. Then after going to school, they don't want to use our language. They understand some of it but not all. Our problem is even when we go overseas, the grandparents and relatives speak with them in English to make them feel comfortable, so they are not even trying to speak the language even when overseas.

[Anonymous]

@12:35 I also feel that it is a disrespect issue when they do not listen to the teachers in language school. I have disciplined them (no TV time that day etc), but the teacher also feels that it is because they do not understand what is being spoken so they just do something else.

If they can listen to their teacher in ES, I'm not sure why they behave differently in language school.

[Anonymous]

They need to switch to easier classes in language school, if that's an option. If they're in over their heads, the school is no use.
If they have no vocabulary, you have to start small- eg dinner table talk - bread, water, bring the plates, pass the salt, would you like some milk.
And of course nothing helps like total immersion - a month spent in the country where they have to speak to their grandparents and cousins. If they're old enough, look into camps - a lot of countries run language camps for children.
If the popular books for elementary kids - captain underpants, wimpy kid etc exist in the target language, try to get them and read both languages together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:@12:35 I also feel that it is a disrespect issue when they do not listen to the teachers in language school. I have disciplined them (no TV time that day etc), but the teacher also feels that it is because they do not understand what is being spoken so they just do something else.

If they can listen to their teacher in ES, I'm not sure why they behave differently in language school.

I'm 12:35.

I volunteer at my children's American public school, where we have many ESOL students from abroad, and they all listen quietly, even if most of the info passes over their heads. It's definitely a respect issue, OP. In my children's French language school, I've noticed that some teachers are not great at disciplining students, because they're French and used to the French system where the administration will punish kids for misbehaving. Here parental expectations are different and there is no such recourse. So some kids misbehave because of that, and because they've divined that it's "just" native language school and that it's less important somehow.

You have to make it important in their eyes. Reward effort and good academic progression, punish slacking off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:@12:35 I also feel that it is a disrespect issue when they do not listen to the teachers in language school. I have disciplined them (no TV time that day etc), but the teacher also feels that it is because they do not understand what is being spoken so they just do something else.

If they can listen to their teacher in ES, I'm not sure why they behave differently in language school.

I'm 12:35.

I volunteer at my children's American public school, where we have many ESOL students from abroad, and they all listen quietly, even if most of the info passes over their heads. It's definitely a respect issue, OP. In my children's French language school, I've noticed that some teachers are not great at disciplining students, because they're French and used to the French system where the administration will punish kids for misbehaving. Here parental expectations are different and there is no such recourse. So some kids misbehave because of that, and because they've divined that it's "just" native language school and that it's less important somehow.

You have to make it important in their eyes. Reward effort and good academic progression, punish slacking off.

OP here. You hit the nail on the head when you say they may think it's "just" native language school. They do treat it as less important. Many language schools including ours are run by volunteers who spend their time and energy to teach children the language and it bothers me that my kids do not respect them as much as they should. The teachers (parent volunteers) are not strict and do not punish the misbehaving children (I really think they should) and my kids figured they could get away with whatever it is they are doing. I have never received any similar complaints from the ES.

[Anonymous]

Op, it may also be that they get bored either because the class is too easy for them or too difficult, or they are just tired cause it’s after a whole week in school, or it’s more crammed than the regular school schedule or whoever is teaching does not have the presence to control a class like a regular professional educator in his / her regular school or less resources if there are no aids in class.

You got lots of good advice here for strengthening language, but to address specifically the disrespect and acting out aspect, you need to check with the teacher and may be sit through a class to better understand where it’s coming from.

Also, I realized that school here is more forgiving than some language schools where they bring their cultural norms for appropriate class behavior. I faced that with one of my kids who acted the same like he acts in his regular preschool, but it was deemed disruptive in his Saturday language school.

[Anonymous]

Seeing as your DH and you both speak the other language as a native, you never should have spoken English to your child. Never. Were you worried they won't speak English in school? That was a mistake. Most of my friends that are both from my country speak only their own language to their kids. It sets the tone, for kids not speaking English at home. DH is American and doesn't speak my language, and my kids acted similar to yours, disliked going to weekend language school a ton. They speak my language, but like pigeon "English" variation. Now, they are mad that I didn't "make: them speak it all the time.

[Anonymous]

If your parents, your husband and your other relatives all speak English to them, then it’s never going to work. Without the rest of the family onboard, the kids have no chance of learning the native language short of putting them in an immersion school. I’m sorry, but I think you’ll have to give up on this battle.

[Anonymous]

OTOH, there does seem to be priming that happens. A family member raised in the US by Thai immigrant parents, who always answered in English to questions posed in Thai, took an adult vacation in Thailand. After a week or two she could speak Thai enough to get around.

My kids, when prompted to say something in Thai to their (limited-English) live-in grandparents, say it in English, but with a really thick Thai accent. I die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are bilingual. We do try to talk our language at home but we use English also and have tried to converse mostly in our language. They reply in English. Our kids attend our language class but we have complaints that they never pay attention in class and just do whatever they want to do since they do not understand what is being spoken. They are not even trying. Spouse does not care if they learn the language or not. It took me almost 2 hours to teach 4 easy rhyming sentences that were already taught in class ( it was basically the same sentence with only the first word changing each time) and yet they don't remember. I don't think I can continue like that. I am losing my sanity whenever I try to teach our language. Nothing seems to work and I am just ready to give up. How do you handle this? Do you hire a tutor for the language to do one on one. Any experiences with this? Kids are in ES.

My friend is from Colombia and her DH is American and doesn't speak Spanish. She's successfully taught her kids (who are now teens) and it was really cool to watch. She speaks to everyone in English but if she turns to speak to her kids, it's ALWAYS in Spanish. Never speaks to them in English, even if at the table with her DH.

I haven't paid attention in a few years because I'm so used to it, but they used to reply in English. I think they now reply in Spanish. But she didn't pressure them to reply in Spanish.

They are fluent now.

I think just relax and do it that way. At some point, when the language courses in school kick in, they realize they have a leg up and they also have incentive to learn, so they get on board.