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last name dilemma
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Anonymous
| Honestly, I have 4 names (added on my husband's name but technically my 2 last names aren't hyphenated), and I have to say, it's been nothing but a total pain in the butt. I wish I had either just kept mine or taken his outright. Not saying this feeling is true for everyone with two last names, but I wouldn't do it again, and neither would I hyphenate my children's name. Just something to think about... |
Anonymous
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11:09 - how did you deal with school registration? Does the kid just go by the last name of the four?
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Anonymous
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11:09 here. Kid goes by the last name of the four and we generally fill forms out like this: <firstname> <2 middle initials> <last name>. Where it became a problem was on standardized tests in elementary school. Someone had hyphenated the last two names on one test so they lost the record of her score until we figured out what had happened. But that only happened once.
But wherever there's a problem to have 2 middle initials, she just uses the first one from her grandmother's first name. I don't have a problem if she ends up eventually dropping my last name but that will be her choice, as it should be. I was also fine with having her take her father's last name for her last name because he is the only child of an only child and I have tons of relatives. But it would have bothered me if we had left my name out of her name. So it's been a little bit of a hassle but not much. And I am seeing more kids with four names these days. OP, do what you're comfortable with. If it means a lot to give your child your last name, do it. Having four names has not been a huge problem for my dd. |
Anonymous
| I kept my name and our kids have my last name. I think in the 21st century, it doesn't always have to be the husband's name and I like mine a lot better. |
Anonymous
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I kept my own name when I got married. Baby will either have my husband's last name, or both of our last names not hyphenated. My last name will not be used as a middle name; it never even crossed my mind, actually. My husband is Latino, so it's common for children to have two last names. When the girls get married, they drop the mother's name and add their husband's. But, they still keep their father's last name.
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Anonymous
| Traditionally, the paternal family name has been used as the child's last name. Even true for the mother's maiden name. But women also used to their husband's property. |
Anonymous
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PP here.
"But women also used to be their husband's property." Exactly, which is why taking a man's name in marriage has always seemed anachronistic and why I really don't understand why a woman would keep her name (yeah! progress!) and then let her kid have only the man's name (what? she doesn't count?). I think hyphenating is the fairest approach. |
Anonymous
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All my close friends kept their last names upon marriage, and those that have kids gave the child the husband's last name. I think this is the most common approach--I guess I personally find it disappointing, because it doesn't really do anything to change the status quo of the man's name being the one that's passed down, and the woman who hasn't changed being the only one in the family with that name.
But I digress. In our case, we agonized over this. I ended up hyphenating my name while I was pregnant, and we gave our son the hyphenated name. My husband kept his name, but may change it to hyphenate in the future. The name is clunky, 4 syllables total, but not awful. Our son can absolutely choose just one of the names to use when he gets older, if he likes. If the hyphenated name is only going to be 2 syllables, I think that's great! GL with whatever you decide, there are no easy answers. |
Anonymous
Nice. So make it easy for you and your DH, but a pain for your kid. |
Anonymous
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Just wanted to comment on how cool and interesting a lot of the women on this board seem. I kept my name (and felt very strongly about doing so), but often feel like I'm really in the minority in this town. Nice to know that lots of other women feel the same way, and have come up with creative solutions for their kids' last names. |
Anonymous
| It's more likely that the woman's family name will be passed down if it comes after the hyphen because the first name of a hyphenated name is often dropped. Kind of like having your mother's maiden name as a middle name; your father's family name gets passed down. |
Anonymous
You would think the opposite would be true in an area with very educated, independent women with good jobs and career opportunities. A lot of these women tend to get married at an older age and maybe choose to go traditional wrt to taking their husband's name because somehow they want to signify that they are married too, and not left out. |
Anonymous
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"Plus it will drive my mom crazy - bonus!"
hehehe. Way funny. By the way, we have separate names and mind is long and cumbersome, but it was the only fair way to do it. I have faith that our child will work it out 
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Anonymous
| I know a couple who took letters from each of their parents' last names and created a new name for themselves out of the four parents' names. Don't know if I would be comfortable with a completely brand new name but it's certainly an interesting idea! |
Anonymous
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I have friends who both changed their names to be hyphenated, and their kid also has a their hyphenated name. That is the true "fairest" way to go.
For us, I ended up keeping my name, and husband kept his, and son got husband's name. In all honesty, it really didn't bother me that much. I don't know any kid who thinks about their name as a reflection of the worth of either parent. I am more concerned with raising my children to be strong and independent regardless of gender, and I honestly don't believe that the name has anything to do with that. |