I don't have the energy or interest

[Anonymous]

PP here again with the high maintenance only child. What helped in our situation was more and more activities. On the weekends she is in 4 different activities, two per day. That is helpful in structuring our weekend because we don't really have social plans for the most part (no local family, husband works weekends). She loves the activities and after the activities is more willing to have quiet play time at home. But on the weekdays after school, she isn't very interested in independent play.

[Anonymous]

My take from your posts:

*You need to ditch the guilt. He is feeding into this. You need to re-write the narrative that he *deserves* a sibling if that's what is feeding the guilt. By you dealing with your negative feelings, you will help him.

*You spend WAY too much time with him. 2.5 hours of uninterrupted time is a lot of time every weekday. And, all weekend!?

*You are not teaching him to be independent because you are not independent. You spend all of your time with him. You need to carve out time for yourself and let him know. "John, I will be reading for 1 hour because I really love this book. You are welcome to sit on the couch and read silently too." Or, "I need some downtime, so we will start the game in 1 hour." If you are not spending time on your interests and hobbies, how will know that's a "thing" that healthy people do.

*You are doing activities you don't enjoy, so you end up resentful and end up risking your relationship because you were untruthful. What happens when someone you're dating says, "but you love coffee, you always drank it with me." But, you only did that for the other person. Don't lie to your kids about who you are. I detest crafts. I told my kids that if they wanted to do them they were on their own. If they wanted time with me then we could play board games, which I enjoy.

*You haven't given him the skills for resilience and self-acceptance. If my kids came to me with a drawing asking for approval, I would turn it on them, "What do you think of your drawing?" It doesn't matter what I think, does it? Besides, when I tell my kid now, "That's incredible" they believe me because I don't let them use me to validate their work.

Finally, this doesn't have anything to do with him being an only. I know a family with 3 kids and they cannot be another level of a house without their parents (they are in upper elementary and middle school). It's about coddling your kids. Teach your son how to do his laundry, how to cook, how to figure something out. Kids don't inherently know this, so it has to be taught, but it will go a long way in making him resilient. This seems more imperative for an only because he won't have siblings to rely on. Just remember OP that he is modeling off you - be good to yourself and set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I’m going I agree with the others who say wean him off the desire to have YOU as a playmate. You’re an adult with your own set of things to do outside of work. You’re available here and there and can give him full attention then, but for the most part, he needs to make his own fun. If he doesn’t want to, he can lie on the floor and cry or whatever. That’s ok too!

Also he sounds like he could use more friends and unstructured play with them. Any neighbors around whose kids he can play with?

[Anonymous]

pp and I should add...this will take a while to shift so there will be ups and downs. Don't be afraid of your kid having negative emotions. He may be upset about the change, which would be a normal reaction.

A pp said that she let's her kid watch more TV because she won't play alone. Kids who are bored are more creative. Let them be upset without time with you or TV - try it for a month and see what happens. The more assured you are of the plan, they will know you are in charge and therefore trust the process and themselves.

[Anonymous]

I could've written this post. My daughter talks nonstop for hours about any and everything. She shows me every drawing, every funny line in a book, and brings me every video to replay a scene. I'm a teacher, so we went through this everyday over spring break last week. I wanted to scream. And I tell myself that exact quote you did about the years being short.

What gets me through is the memory of my childhood. I was a teen pregnancy. It was rare for my mother to be home before 10pm. I wore a key on a shoestring around my neck and would come home in elementary, make Spaghettios for dinner, and watch TV until I fell asleep. The next morning, my mother would call from work to wake me up to tell me to leave for school. I used to cry out of fear and loneliness all the time. I've been to therapy, so I'm good now, but whenever my daughter wants to tell me something for the umpteenth time, I remember being home alone all those years. I know it doesn't make sense. I know she can survive without me. I worry I may do more harm by being so available.

In the past year I've been open with her about my frustration. She's eight now. On the drive home from school, I'll tell her highlights of my day and how certain things frustrated me but I couldn't show it at work, so I need a little "alone time" at home to calm down and reset. I'll also tell her sometimes that I love her and find her stories very interesting, but I have something important for work that I need to do on the computer, so I need 30 minutes to focus and then she'll have my undivided attention.

It helps a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take from your posts:

*You need to ditch the guilt. He is feeding into this. You need to re-write the narrative that he *deserves* a sibling if that's what is feeding the guilt. By you dealing with your negative feelings, you will help him.

*You spend WAY too much time with him. 2.5 hours of uninterrupted time is a lot of time every weekday. And, all weekend!?

*You are not teaching him to be independent because you are not independent. You spend all of your time with him. You need to carve out time for yourself and let him know. "John, I will be reading for 1 hour because I really love this book. You are welcome to sit on the couch and read silently too." Or, "I need some downtime, so we will start the game in 1 hour." If you are not spending time on your interests and hobbies, how will know that's a "thing" that healthy people do.

*You are doing activities you don't enjoy, so you end up resentful and end up risking your relationship because you were untruthful. What happens when someone you're dating says, "but you love coffee, you always drank it with me." But, you only did that for the other person. Don't lie to your kids about who you are. I detest crafts. I told my kids that if they wanted to do them they were on their own. If they wanted time with me then we could play board games, which I enjoy.

*You haven't given him the skills for resilience and self-acceptance. If my kids came to me with a drawing asking for approval, I would turn it on them, "What do you think of your drawing?" It doesn't matter what I think, does it? Besides, when I tell my kid now, "That's incredible" they believe me because I don't let them use me to validate their work.

Finally, this doesn't have anything to do with him being an only. I know a family with 3 kids and they cannot be another level of a house without their parents (they are in upper elementary and middle school). It's about coddling your kids. Teach your son how to do his laundry, how to cook, how to figure something out. Kids don't inherently know this, so it has to be taught, but it will go a long way in making him resilient. This seems more imperative for an only because he won't have siblings to rely on. Just remember OP that he is modeling off you - be good to yourself and set boundaries.

Thanks, this is helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP can you co-opt some of this need to be with you into useful activity?

Example, our whole family washed the car yesterday, then planted some veggies in the garden.

Or I'll fold laundry while my sons color at the same table so I can do something and be with them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are the same so I can relate. What I do is give them several minutes of concentrated, non-distracted attention throughout the day. Like 20-30 minutes where I really try to fully engage during that time on whatever they are interested in. Then I feel less guilty about saying, "not now, I'm working on something" during the other times of the day. I find they get needier if I'm only half listening all the time. I also try to find things that are interesting to everyone. For example, we love hiking or just long walks in the neighborhood. I get some exercise and they can just talk my ear of the whole time and everyone is happy. Also, try to establish times of the day where it is a quiet time. Then you can recharge.

+1

I find that if I give my kid some time of sustained attention and engagement, it's easier to just flat-out say no at other times. Playing along half-heartedly or distractedly doesn't satisfy anyone, and I don't think it's reasonable for a parent to play with a kid all the time. I try to say yes to things I can get into, and really focus, and then say no to things I don't want to do, and not feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you should feel a bit guilty. Your child is in school all day. You can play for a little bit after school and then tell the child you want some you time so give you an hour alone. I thought you were talking about a preschooler. Your child is old enough where you can say go play by yourself.

My issue isn't the weeknights, between when I get off work and pick him up and dinner and homework and such, this is not much of an issue on the weekdays, I give him my attention from 6-8:30 then I have alone time. It's more of an issue on the weekends. He's up at 7 at the latest. Sometimes he plays alone, but then wakes me up and anticipates my full attention for the whole day.

BECAUSE HE ONLY SEES YOU FOR 2 HOURS A DAY DURING THE WEEK.

It is what it is, OP. He misses you. He needs you. You probably only have a couple more MONTHS of this. Be the mom. Be there. Or, cut back on your hours and be present during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp and I should add...this will take a while to shift so there will be ups and downs. Don't be afraid of your kid having negative emotions. He may be upset about the change, which would be a normal reaction.

A pp said that she let's her kid watch more TV because she won't play alone. Kids who are bored are more creative. Let them be upset without time with you or TV - try it for a month and see what happens. The more assured you are of the plan, they will know you are in charge and therefore trust the process and themselves.

THIS THIS THIS

A lot of people assume their kid needs more TV because they won't play independently, but IME kids won't play independently (partly) BECAUSE they watch too much TV. OP and PP's kids are used to being entertained by either a parent or a TV/screen-- no wonder they don't know how to do it themselves.

I say "partly" only because part of this is probably also because some kids are just naturally extroverted and get lonely easily. But their ability to play independently can still be honed. I have an extroverted only and it does help that both DH and I are extroverted (he moreso than I), but we also spend a lot of time either telling her we're not available or involving her in our chores and such. We definitely play with her some, but not all the time.

[Anonymous]

Why do parents choose to have children and then complain about them????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you should feel a bit guilty. Your child is in school all day. You can play for a little bit after school and then tell the child you want some you time so give you an hour alone. I thought you were talking about a preschooler. Your child is old enough where you can say go play by yourself.

My issue isn't the weeknights, between when I get off work and pick him up and dinner and homework and such, this is not much of an issue on the weekdays, I give him my attention from 6-8:30 then I have alone time. It's more of an issue on the weekends. He's up at 7 at the latest. Sometimes he plays alone, but then wakes me up and anticipates my full attention for the whole day.

BECAUSE HE ONLY SEES YOU FOR 2 HOURS A DAY DURING THE WEEK.

It is what it is, OP. He misses you. He needs you. You probably only have a couple more MONTHS of this. Be the mom. Be there. Or, cut back on your hours and be present during the week.

First of all, you judgmental twat, she was specifically referring to weekday evenings. How do you think that kid gets ready and goes to school? Magic?! Second, that kid doesn't miss her, he's high maintenance and clearly unable to entertain himself, which is not normal for a 9 year old. (No offense intended, OP) He needs to learn that people need down time and that he needs to be able to be his own friend and entertain himself for significant stretches of time. OP isn't doing herself any favors by feeling guilty about his only status. And she sure as heck doesn't need to be judged by you about working. People gotta work, lady, it's a fact of life.

OP - he'll be fine. If he wants your attention, start having him do things that you need to do. If Larlo wants to show you his game and step-by-step development, sure, you can do that right after you both finish cleaning the house. Larlo wants your undivided attention on something else, okay, but first the garden needs weeding. Or you have a book you'd like to read which is what you have planned now. Set it up so that there's delayed gratification. Can't do that now Buddy, but in 45 mins I'll be able to check it out for about 15 mins. Your time (and sanity) is valuable too. He needs to learn that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can you co-opt some of this need to be with you into useful activity?

Example, our whole family washed the car yesterday, then planted some veggies in the garden.

Or I'll fold laundry while my sons color at the same table so I can do something and be with them too.

This per my previous post (I have an extroverted only). Recent adventures have included: gardening, IKEA, grocery shopping/cooking, taking a bus to an auto parts store, then to our car and replace the battery (LOL)... Surely you do a lot of that stuff with your kid?

[Anonymous]

Teach him independence. That includes coping with frustration (for both of you). It may also take time and mental energy from you, but you will teach the child how to fish. Self sufficiency at an age appropriate level is a great skill and will serve him well in life.

[Anonymous]

Give him chores