Tell me about your recent experience with in-laws moving into your home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL moved in for a few months... but then she started driving DH nuts and he moved her into a condo.

The key was for me to sit back and let him take care of her incessant demands instead of leaping into action myself.

But what if your husband hadn't gotten sick of it? What if he was fine with it, and your home life consisted of your MIL trying to rule the roost and your DH jumping to her every demand, while you sat on the sidelines? For the next decade?

Something tells me that the poster would then realize she has a husband problem and would address it. If it came down to the husband deferring to his mother in their “roost,” my guess is that she would have no trouble leaving that roost. There’s no way a decade would go by for that to happen. A year tops.

True- that would be the healthy thing to happen at least.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. Seriously. Big Mistake!! Trust me.

[Anonymous]

My FIL lives with us. It has been the best thing that we've ever done.

It happened very quickly. After my MIL died and we discovered that she had probably been covering for my FIL, who has dementia. It was only supposed to be for a brief period of time but now I think we're going on 3 years.

I admit I had some trepidation because he used to be a big deal in the business world, he has a difficult personality and he was used to everything being exactly his way. Now he is my partner in crime and where he goes I go, and vice versa. He is at my side right now in the kitchen as I type this. He is folding socks while I type and finish dinner.

He has enriched our lives immeasurably. The children spend a lot of time with him. He may not be able to run and play very well anymore but he loves to sit on the porch or in a chair in the driveway and watch the kids play basketball, or go to any of their school activities.

I am so glad that we took him into our home. It has been a challenge at times because we had to make some pretty dramatic changes to the pace of our lives and a big renovation to the house but we are so blessed by his presence that sometimes it moves me to tears. Now I cannot imagine our lives any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine. I'm sorry just no. My in laws are arriving tomorrow and I can't even function today I hate it so much. They are only coming for 4 or 5 days (I think). I don't know how long because it would be considered rude to ask how long they will visit. Oh if I tell them we are on vacation (as we were this week) and to arrive on Saturday, well then they will be mad. And arrive irritated. Yay. Fun visit huh?

Hi SIL! Except they are visiting us for two weeks now. Can I send them back to you? Because there is not enough wine in the world for me to have anyone in my house for two weeks, least of all them. 3 more days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us. It has been the best thing that we've ever done.

It happened very quickly. After my MIL died and we discovered that she had probably been covering for my FIL, who has dementia. It was only supposed to be for a brief period of time but now I think we're going on 3 years.

I admit I had some trepidation because he used to be a big deal in the business world, he has a difficult personality and he was used to everything being exactly his way. Now he is my partner in crime and where he goes I go, and vice versa. He is at my side right now in the kitchen as I type this. He is folding socks while I type and finish dinner.

He has enriched our lives immeasurably. The children spend a lot of time with him. He may not be able to run and play very well anymore but he loves to sit on the porch or in a chair in the driveway and watch the kids play basketball, or go to any of their school activities.

I am so glad that we took him into our home. It has been a challenge at times because we had to make some pretty dramatic changes to the pace of our lives and a big renovation to the house but we are so blessed by his presence that sometimes it moves me to tears. Now I cannot imagine our lives any other way.

Your FIL sounds very different than OP’s in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us. It has been the best thing that we've ever done.

It happened very quickly. After my MIL died and we discovered that she had probably been covering for my FIL, who has dementia. It was only supposed to be for a brief period of time but now I think we're going on 3 years.

I admit I had some trepidation because he used to be a big deal in the business world, he has a difficult personality and he was used to everything being exactly his way. Now he is my partner in crime and where he goes I go, and vice versa. He is at my side right now in the kitchen as I type this. He is folding socks while I type and finish dinner.

He has enriched our lives immeasurably. The children spend a lot of time with him. He may not be able to run and play very well anymore but he loves to sit on the porch or in a chair in the driveway and watch the kids play basketball, or go to any of their school activities.

I am so glad that we took him into our home. It has been a challenge at times because we had to make some pretty dramatic changes to the pace of our lives and a big renovation to the house but we are so blessed by his presence that sometimes it moves me to tears. Now I cannot imagine our lives any other way.

This touched my heart. It’s the way I feel when my dad stays with us, and I wish he would agree to be here more often and for longer. I’m glad your experience has largely been a good one. It’s wonderful that you’ve both been able to find joy in this tricky phase of life. Wishing you continued happiness and health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us. It has been the best thing that we've ever done.

It happened very quickly. After my MIL died and we discovered that she had probably been covering for my FIL, who has dementia. It was only supposed to be for a brief period of time but now I think we're going on 3 years.

I admit I had some trepidation because he used to be a big deal in the business world, he has a difficult personality and he was used to everything being exactly his way. Now he is my partner in crime and where he goes I go, and vice versa. He is at my side right now in the kitchen as I type this. He is folding socks while I type and finish dinner.

He has enriched our lives immeasurably. The children spend a lot of time with him. He may not be able to run and play very well anymore but he loves to sit on the porch or in a chair in the driveway and watch the kids play basketball, or go to any of their school activities.

I am so glad that we took him into our home. It has been a challenge at times because we had to make some pretty dramatic changes to the pace of our lives and a big renovation to the house but we are so blessed by his presence that sometimes it moves me to tears. Now I cannot imagine our lives any other way.

This touched my heart. It’s the way I feel when my dad stays with us, and I wish he would agree to be here more often and for longer. I’m glad your experience has largely been a good one. It’s wonderful that you’ve both been able to find joy in this tricky phase of life. Wishing you continued happiness and health.

Ditto here!

[Anonymous]

My father, yes.

My mother, no, unless my father were to cater to her every insane demand and they had their own separate suite.

My FIL, never, he had bipolar disorder.

My lovely MIL is very sick, so only if we had the means for nursing round the clock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us. It has been the best thing that we've ever done.

It happened very quickly. After my MIL died and we discovered that she had probably been covering for my FIL, who has dementia. It was only supposed to be for a brief period of time but now I think we're going on 3 years.

I admit I had some trepidation because he used to be a big deal in the business world, he has a difficult personality and he was used to everything being exactly his way. Now he is my partner in crime and where he goes I go, and vice versa. He is at my side right now in the kitchen as I type this. He is folding socks while I type and finish dinner.

He has enriched our lives immeasurably. The children spend a lot of time with him. He may not be able to run and play very well anymore but he loves to sit on the porch or in a chair in the driveway and watch the kids play basketball, or go to any of their school activities.

I am so glad that we took him into our home. It has been a challenge at times because we had to make some pretty dramatic changes to the pace of our lives and a big renovation to the house but we are so blessed by his presence that sometimes it moves me to tears. Now I cannot imagine our lives any other way.

It's not this good for most of us but I would never deny a home to my parents or my in laws unless there was physical abuse. The people on DCUM have very little sense of family loyalty and are apparently unaware that most of the world lives in multigenerational homes. It's often a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us. It has been the best thing that we've ever done.

It happened very quickly. After my MIL died and we discovered that she had probably been covering for my FIL, who has dementia. It was only supposed to be for a brief period of time but now I think we're going on 3 years.

I admit I had some trepidation because he used to be a big deal in the business world, he has a difficult personality and he was used to everything being exactly his way. Now he is my partner in crime and where he goes I go, and vice versa. He is at my side right now in the kitchen as I type this. He is folding socks while I type and finish dinner.

He has enriched our lives immeasurably. The children spend a lot of time with him. He may not be able to run and play very well anymore but he loves to sit on the porch or in a chair in the driveway and watch the kids play basketball, or go to any of their school activities.

I am so glad that we took him into our home. It has been a challenge at times because we had to make some pretty dramatic changes to the pace of our lives and a big renovation to the house but we are so blessed by his presence that sometimes it moves me to tears. Now I cannot imagine our lives any other way.

It's not this good for most of us but I would never deny a home to my parents or my in laws unless there was physical abuse. The people on DCUM have very little sense of family loyalty and are apparently unaware that most of the world lives in multigenerational homes. It's often a blessing.

Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Therefore, no, my ILs will not ever move in, even with a private suite. They'll have assisted living or in-home care, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us. It has been the best thing that we've ever done.

It happened very quickly. After my MIL died and we discovered that she had probably been covering for my FIL, who has dementia. It was only supposed to be for a brief period of time but now I think we're going on 3 years.

I admit I had some trepidation because he used to be a big deal in the business world, he has a difficult personality and he was used to everything being exactly his way. Now he is my partner in crime and where he goes I go, and vice versa. He is at my side right now in the kitchen as I type this. He is folding socks while I type and finish dinner.

He has enriched our lives immeasurably. The children spend a lot of time with him. He may not be able to run and play very well anymore but he loves to sit on the porch or in a chair in the driveway and watch the kids play basketball, or go to any of their school activities.

I am so glad that we took him into our home. It has been a challenge at times because we had to make some pretty dramatic changes to the pace of our lives and a big renovation to the house but we are so blessed by his presence that sometimes it moves me to tears. Now I cannot imagine our lives any other way.

It's not this good for most of us but I would never deny a home to my parents or my in laws unless there was physical abuse. The people on DCUM have very little sense of family loyalty and are apparently unaware that most of the world lives in multigenerational homes. It's often a blessing.

My husband is from a culture where parents live with their children. To him it is unthinkable that parents live in assisted living facilities. My lovely FIL, however, lives with my SIL and her family and I think he is depressed because he can't do anything during the day. Everyone is out of the house and he just sits and watches TV. He still has all of his mental faculties so this is really hard for him. He can't drive and is alone all day. It makes me really sad and I think he would enjoy living in a place with people his age. But I don't say anything because he is not my father.

[Anonymous]

My husband is from a culture where parents live with their children. To him it is unthinkable that parents live in assisted living facilities. My lovely FIL, however, lives with my SIL and her family and I think he is depressed because he can't do anything during the day. Everyone is out of the house and he just sits and watches TV. He still has all of his mental faculties so this is really hard for him. He can't drive and is alone all day. It makes me really sad and I think he would enjoy living in a place with people his age. But I don't say anything because he is not my father.

I am the poster you responded to. In our case, my FIL's world only revolves now around what happens inside our house because his dementia is advancing. But your post touched my heart. You may have to intrude a little (nicely!) but if you think your FIL might appreciate a little more interaction then I have some suggestions.

Where does he live? The city he lives in may have an elder care day program where he can go during the day for fun and activities. He could use Uber or Lyft to get there or some programs actually come pick up the elderly person. If they belong to a church, check out with the church if there are any activities for their elder members.

If he is physically mobile, would he want to volunteer at a school or with an organization so that he had a purpose and a reason to get out of the house? What is nearby? Would he appreciate a gift card so that he could walk to the store or to the local coffee shop and interact with people that way.

Has your FIL ever had an interest in art or music. Would he want an art teacher or a music teacher to come to the house for lessons?

Finally, see if your inlaws would post online on Nextdoor.com to find other elder residents in their neighborhood. They might already have a social club or group, or might be willing to get together for book club or bridge or Bingo or cards or lunch or the like.

Obviously your husband would need to be on board and then you would need to cultivate your inlaws, who are in the sandwich position. Speaking as a sandwich person myself, I can tell you that sometimes it can be difficult to see past the bread so they may appreciate a little interest and help.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are from a culture where kids take care of their elderly parents. My ILs are still in their home country and likely refuse to move in with us until maybe one of them die and the one left become really incapable to take care of self. My husband is the only kid so it’s very likely that one of them will have to be our responsibility in the future. ( of course husband will likely have a hefty inheritance as well)

My mother lives with us right now. She is retired divorced. She is very independent but intended to explore a new life in the USA post retirement . ( another reason is likely because my little brother and sister who live with her back home still pretty much dependent on her and she is tired of it. ). My husband is onboard with this. She helps us with child care. She makes it clear that she will not be interfere with how we raise our kid or how we manage things in our household. She will only help out what we request her to . She doesn’t help us financially at all.

I think both you and your husband need to sit down and talk. You both need be on the same page regarding how much space for the in laws, the responsibilities to the IL, clear line or boundary for IL vs your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

My DH likes my mother but he would pay a fortune to avoid having her living with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband is from a culture where parents live with their children. To him it is unthinkable that parents live in assisted living facilities. My lovely FIL, however, lives with my SIL and her family and I think he is depressed because he can't do anything during the day. Everyone is out of the house and he just sits and watches TV. He still has all of his mental faculties so this is really hard for him. He can't drive and is alone all day. It makes me really sad and I think he would enjoy living in a place with people his age. But I don't say anything because he is not my father.

I am the poster you responded to. In our case, my FIL's world only revolves now around what happens inside our house because his dementia is advancing. But your post touched my heart. You may have to intrude a little (nicely!) but if you think your FIL might appreciate a little more interaction then I have some suggestions.

Where does he live? The city he lives in may have an elder care day program where he can go during the day for fun and activities. He could use Uber or Lyft to get there or some programs actually come pick up the elderly person. If they belong to a church, check out with the church if there are any activities for their elder members.

If he is physically mobile, would he want to volunteer at a school or with an organization so that he had a purpose and a reason to get out of the house? What is nearby? Would he appreciate a gift card so that he could walk to the store or to the local coffee shop and interact with people that way.

Has your FIL ever had an interest in art or music. Would he want an art teacher or a music teacher to come to the house for lessons?

Finally, see if your inlaws would post online on Nextdoor.com to find other elder residents in their neighborhood. They might already have a social club or group, or might be willing to get together for book club or bridge or Bingo or cards or lunch or the like.

Obviously your husband would need to be on board and then you would need to cultivate your inlaws, who are in the sandwich position. Speaking as a sandwich person myself, I can tell you that sometimes it can be difficult to see past the bread so they may appreciate a little interest and help.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I will gently broach this subject with my husband at an appropriate time. It is a bit sensitive because I was born in the US and there is the stigma that Americans just throw elderly people in a home to not deal with them. But these are good alternatives for my FIL.