would you be offended if your friend wanted to hang out with you and not your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you only have part-time custody and the friend is coming to visit during the time when you do have custody but she doesn't want your kid to be there? Normally I'm all for child-free adult time, but it is a little crappy that she wants you to not have your kid when you only have them half the time. If I were the friend in the situation I'd relent. A friend wanting to see a friend who has full custody of her kids? That one can definitely request child-free time.

I am the visiting friend. I have limited vacation time, travel frequently as it is, and being away from my own kids to visit someone else whose kids are in the toddler stage seems less attractive than having 1:1 time with my friend. I'd like to see the kid; I just don't want to most of my visit outside of nap/bed-times with the kid as this necessarily means we'd be in semi-toddler mode (especially since she is accustomed to being very child-centric... which is fine, but not my own style necessarily at this stage of my own parenthood so it feels particularly child-centric).

Since the mother doesn't have full-time custody, I'd like to arrange the visit to be primarily when the child isn't there. My friend is a first time mother, needs some help over the summer, and really loves her child - as do I - and I'm not sure the request is going to go over very well.

Thanks for the clarification. I am also not generally thrilled with taking time away from my own kids and then spending it with other kids, especially toddlers. I would definitely arrange the visit for when she doesn't have the kid. I would not be remotely offended if my friends didn't want to see my kids (i.e. if I only had them part time and you wanted to come then). If your friend expects you to come and help her with her kids, that's her problem. I mean, it's her thing to get over - I think that's a lot to expect from a friend. However, she's a first-time mom and is doing it alone half the time? Again, I might relent in that case because she's in a tough spot. I have no tolerance for my friends with kids and spouses who can't find time to get away. But single parents are in a different place. Perhaps you could spend one day with the kid and the rest with her while she doesn't have them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be offended. I would rather hang out without my kids, too. It's either logistically possible for you or it's not.

Same. And to add on - it would never occur to me to try to make plans with visiting friend with my kids in tow.

[Anonymous]

Nope. It's hard to have a real conversation. My kids are 6 and 7 and now that they both read I can stash them somewhere with a book and they're silent and occupied for a good half hour at a shot. But when they were toddlers? No.

[Anonymous]

I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

Mom of 2yo here. No, it is not possible to enjoy adult conversations with a toddler.

I would try to visit when she does not have custody so you can go out.

[Anonymous]

I really don't see the harm in your arranging your visit when she doesn't have her kids. Does she gets sad on the days when her kids are with the other parent? You could totally frame is like, "I know sometimes the days when you don't have custody are kind of hard so I thought it would be fun to visit during that time!"

[Anonymous]

Oh also I have a toddler too and I am not offended when people aren't into hanging out with my kid, and in this kind of circumstance I wouldn't be offended at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

Mom of 2yo here. No, it is not possible to enjoy adult conversations with a toddler.

I would try to visit when she does not have custody so you can go out.

Let me fix it for you:_in the US_ it’s not possible. Yes it is a cultural difference. Mothers are expected to sacrifice their own needs, wants and priorities at the altar of the child king, who is not taught any manners until later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

Mom of 2yo here. No, it is not possible to enjoy adult conversations with a toddler.

I would try to visit when she does not have custody so you can go out.

Let me fix it for you:_in the US_ it’s not possible. Yes it is a cultural difference. Mothers are expected to sacrifice their own needs, wants and priorities at the altar of the child king, who is not taught any manners until later in life.

NP. Sorry, I just don’t believe you. I’ve had three two year olds, all well mannered. But they can’t sit still and quietly and not need to be spoken with or managed for a couple hours while my friend and I drink wine, have a meal, and catch up. I don’t sacrifice everything for a “child king,” that’s why I get myself a sitter and enjoy time with adults. My kid doesn’t need to get toted to every social occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

OP here. Agreed - it's definitely possible, but not necessarily likely in this particular scenario that the conversation wouldn't be centered around the kid - and I don't mean the topic, I mean that the conversation will bring in the small child more than my personal preference (e.g., lots of sentences that start off with "well, Mommy... XYZ" in an effort to include the child into the conversation). It's nice and sweet, but I don't do it in the presence of my own children when I'm speaking with other adults. At least I think. I definitely find it boring

But I do want to support and know the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

Mom of 2yo here. No, it is not possible to enjoy adult conversations with a toddler.

I would try to visit when she does not have custody so you can go out.

Let me fix it for you:_in the US_ it’s not possible. Yes it is a cultural difference. Mothers are expected to sacrifice their own needs, wants and priorities at the altar of the child king, who is not taught any manners until later in life.

NP. Sorry, I just don’t believe you. I’ve had three two year olds, all well mannered. But they can’t sit still and quietly and not need to be spoken with or managed for a couple hours while my friend and I drink wine, have a meal, and catch up. I don’t sacrifice everything for a “child king,” that’s why I get myself a sitter and enjoy time with adults. My kid doesn’t need to get toted to every social occasion.

Intrigued PP here. The conversation will be choppy of course and it won't be a perfect dinner. But yeah, I would be offended if a friend whom I rarely see and has never met my child specifically asked to see me without them. The US is the land of paradox. Children receive so much - too much! - attention, but at the same we want to keep them in a box, far away from social interactions. I don't know. As much as I enjoy a night without them, as see this as an occasional treat, and a mutual decision, not because said "friend" decided my kid is persona non grata.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

OP here. Agreed - it's definitely possible, but not necessarily likely in this particular scenario that the conversation wouldn't be centered around the kid - and I don't mean the topic, I mean that the conversation will bring in the small child more than my personal preference (e.g., lots of sentences that start off with "well, Mommy... XYZ" in an effort to include the child into the conversation). It's nice and sweet, but I don't do it in the presence of my own children when I'm speaking with other adults. At least I think. I definitely find it boring

But I do want to support and know the child.

I posted before reading your reply. Ok, I see what you mean. I was assuming that she would NOT want to bring the child into the conversation, but rather just responding to their needs while carrying a conversation with you.

[Anonymous]

Unless you're specifically traveling on dates she doesn't have custody, you can't really control this. It's not the same as a double date where one couple got a sitter and the other didn't, or if you're both traveling and she's asking to bring her child.
At the end of the day, I rather see my good friends with kids in tow than not at all.

[Anonymous]

Would you be staying with this friend? And you are planning a trip just to see her so the dates are up for discussion? I would say something like "If timing works out for both of us, let's plan to have some time when toddler's dad has him/her so I can treat you to a nice dinner out/spa day/concert to thank you for hosting me!"

[Anonymous]

It depends. I have a "close" friend who has been to town three times now, and not once has she met my kids. I'm beginning to be a bit put off by that, as I certainly would want to meet a good friend's children if I visited so many times from out of state.