would you be offended if your friend wanted to hang out with you and not your kids?

[Anonymous]

I have this dilemma as well. I have a friend I haven't seen in a few years. She's a single mom and low income. I make very good money and can travel on the weekends on the company dime. I'd really like to say, "hey, is there a weekend when ---'s dad has her? I'd like to plan a weekend to come visit, get a kickass hotel room, hit up the spa, and sit around and get drunk on wine!" I think she would probably really enjoy that, but at the same time, I haven't met her kid. And isn't that something I should want to do?

[Anonymous]

Hell no unless maybe you were a single mom without money to pay a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Not offended at all. Both my best friends are CFBC, and while I have chosen to have kids, I still pretty much only enjoy my own. I am lucky and my friends are usually very accommodating of me because I have two young kids (baby and toddler) and can't always get away. I know that while they enjoy being honorary aunt/uncle, dealing with my adoring two year old trying to get our attention can be a pain and I am very grateful that they put up with it. So on the rare occasion that they ask to spend time with just me, I do my best to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

I don't expect anyone to want to spend time with my kids. However, one of my oldest, closest friends didn't even try to meet my first child until he was almost 8 months old in spite of living within 10 miles of me (while I was invited and expected at the hospital for the birth of her two, not to mention hosting her shower and sprinkle and attending birthday parties). Her excuse was "sorry, I'm a bad friend!" I don't think our friendship will ever recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No not at all. There's a time for playdates and there's a time for happy hours and dinners with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't see the harm in your arranging your visit when she doesn't have her kids. Does she gets sad on the days when her kids are with the other parent? You could totally frame is like, "I know sometimes the days when you don't have custody are kind of hard so I thought it would be fun to visit during that time!"

This, it's all in how you frame it. Act like you want to visit to have a pick-me up, rejuvenating, girls-time visit. Schedule fun stuff she can't do when she's with her kids like spa time and adult restaurants. Maybe a fun concert or another event. Or what if instead of visiting her the two of you go somewhere together, if even just for a staycation night at a swanky hotel where she lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

Mom of 2yo here. No, it is not possible to enjoy adult conversations with a toddler.

I would try to visit when she does not have custody so you can go out.

I manage. My friends manage. It’s called a play date at the park. Kids play together, with the conversation between adults interrupted every 5-10 minutes for correction. 30 seconds and that particular person is back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always intrigued by these kind of posts. I don't quite get it, I guess it's a cultural difference. It's possible to hang out with a friend, have adult conversations and all in the presence of a toddler. If she's a first time mother and very focused on her kid she will talk about the kids anyways whether she's alone with you or not. Kids are part of life people. How can you say someone is your friend but you specifically do not want to get to know their own kid, let alone meet them. I mean, if you see them a lot I get the point of a child-free night out.

Mom of 2yo here. No, it is not possible to enjoy adult conversations with a toddler.

I would try to visit when she does not have custody so you can go out.

I manage. My friends manage. It’s called a play date at the park. Kids play together, with the conversation between adults interrupted every 5-10 minutes for correction. 30 seconds and that particular person is back.

Pp here. I actually have 3 kids so I personally would be distracted and my older kids can understand adult conversation now.

I spend most days with my friends with kids so obviously I hang out with friends withkids.

Out of state friend looking for a break is a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Not offended.

[Anonymous]

Not offended. Toddlers need a lot of attention. Especially for s first time mom. Experienced moms have a few ways to keep a toddler busy but that’s still a long way from “let’s have a drink and relax”.

[Anonymous]

Not offended. People actually would be offended by this? Do you think your children are that amazing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming that friend is traveling to see you without her own kids and you have part-time custody of your toddler.

She might be telling you that your kids are horrid brats.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Again, I'm the friend who would prefer to not visit when she has custody.

As background, I have 4 kids myself - so it's not about not liking or understanding kids or parenting.

Or maybe I've lost perspective since I DO have kids. My friend is a first time mother, and at the point where she doesn't realize, or doesn't want, to multi-task (make the focus not about the toddler). There is a lot of talking in a baby voice and in the third person - ostensibly to the child, but it takes over the conversation in a way I'm not accustomed to.

In other words, my sense is that there's not a total awareness that as much as I like kids and her kid specifically, I am not thrilled making everything revolve around the kid when it doesn't have to..

I know some of these things are first time mom , but t's just a bummer for me as I am not sure I see this changing soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Again, I'm the friend who would prefer to not visit when she has custody.

As background, I have 4 kids myself - so it's not about not liking or understanding kids or parenting.

Or maybe I've lost perspective since I DO have kids. My friend is a first time mother, and at the point where she doesn't realize, or doesn't want, to multi-task (make the focus not about the toddler). There is a lot of talking in a baby voice and in the third person - ostensibly to the child, but it takes over the conversation in a way I'm not accustomed to.

In other words, my sense is that there's not a total awareness that as much as I like kids and her kid specifically, I am not thrilled making everything revolve around the kid when it doesn't have to..

I know some of these things are first time mom , but t's just a bummer for me as I am not sure I see this changing soon.

Mom of 3 here. Can you stay in a hotel when visiting? Then you can have some R&R. Maybe you can spend some time with the toddler as well as an adult dinner. That’s what I would do.

How old are your kids?

I have 3 kids ages 2-10 and I love and crave some alone time.