Do your in laws grill you on random personal matters?

[Anonymous]

Absurd questions get absurd answers. Say them with a straight face and then go about your business. They will soon shut down. See answers below:

Anonymous wrote:I always find myself in these awkward situations with MIL or one of the aunts and sometimes even the cousins. They seem to ask these odd questions in the course of conversation that always make me pause and think hmmm that really isn't appropriate or just the WTF.

> Are you religious? How often do you go to church? Do you believe in God? -this is in line to order fast food on a joint road trip
No. I’m quite fine with going to hell. Do you think I should order fries with that Big Mac?
> On the phone after we told MIL that we were expecting -How much weight have you gained? Are you afraid of getting fat?
I’m already up 37 pounds at 6 weeks. I love the weight gain.
> When I was working "Do you miss your children?" "Do you worry that someone else is raising your children?" or when I was wasn't working "Do you feel like you lost your identity" "What are going to do -like 1,000 times in six months when I already told them I was intentionally taking six months off.
No, I don’t really miss them. It’s probably better they are with someone else. Can you pass the beans?
Or Identity is overrated. Do you think it will rain later?
> Lots of questions about my parents who are dead.

Perhaps, I'm just used to having friends and co-workers that talk about actual interesting things like current events or something that they did or experienced that might be interesting to others or even just the weather but seem to never ask weird, wring timing personal or prying questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you would think somebody whose own parents were dead would be grateful for in laws

l

Seems your ILs found DDUM OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
> Are you religious? How often do you go to church? Do you believe in God? -this is in line to order fast food on a joint road trip
> On the phone after we told MIL that we were expecting -How much weight have you gained? Are you afraid of getting fat?
> When I was working "Do you miss your children?" "Do you worry that someone else is raising your children?" or when I was wasn't working "Do you feel like you lost your identity" "What are going to do -like 1,000 times in six months when I already told them I was intentionally taking six months off.
> Lots of questions about my parents who are dead.

Maybe some of this is cultural? I can totally see folks in my family grilling me with these sorts of questions. I don't think that there is necessarily any ulterior motive to these. They just sound like a bit of a clumsy way of making conversation. Some cultures converse in a way that Anglos consider "rude". If you try to deflect too much or act like they are insulting you, you will likely get labelled a Sensitive Sally. Just answer the questions with a straight-up answer and own it.

[Anonymous]

I think that for some families asking these types of questions is normal so your ILs don't think twice. What is considered 'normal' conversation really varies. My MIL is kind of like yours in that there are no questions too personal. Even asking about my husband's behavior in the bedroom. LOL.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just different degrees of personality types. I used to really like my SIL (wife of DH brother) because she was friendly, outgoing, but over the years I've realized that she kind of makes everything about her, is super competitive and judgmental, and seems to either talk about or talk down to people to make herself feel better.

I used to get upset over some of the things she said or did, but at this point I've just tried to let it go and accept her personality as different than mine. We get along just fine and are friendly, I just think it's always going to be a surface level relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’d just answer “I really don’t have an opinion. Do you?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shut them down! Answer a question with the question, “Why do you ask?”

This is terrible advice because it's useless. People ask questions either because they're curious or they're trying to make the person uncomfortable.

NP here. I disagree. I would use that phrase as it's a good first step in turning it back on the person asking questions. It has been very effective for me. If the person persists I stare at them like they have 3 heads. The comment and the stare shut down everyone but psychopaths. I walk away from psychos. What they are doing is manipulative and passive aggressive to straight up aggressive. Rude people aren't entitled to my energy and time.

[Anonymous]

I used to answer these questions until I heard my cousin say “that’s none of you business” when confronted with these lines of questioning. It was remarkably effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
> Are you religious? How often do you go to church? Do you believe in God? -this is in line to order fast food on a joint road trip
> On the phone after we told MIL that we were expecting -How much weight have you gained? Are you afraid of getting fat?
> When I was working "Do you miss your children?" "Do you worry that someone else is raising your children?" or when I was wasn't working "Do you feel like you lost your identity" "What are going to do -like 1,000 times in six months when I already told them I was intentionally taking six months off.
> Lots of questions about my parents who are dead.

Maybe some of this is cultural? I can totally see folks in my family grilling me with these sorts of questions. I don't think that there is necessarily any ulterior motive to these. They just sound like a bit of a clumsy way of making conversation. Some cultures converse in a way that Anglos consider "rude". If you try to deflect too much or act like they are insulting you, you will likely get labelled a Sensitive Sally. Just answer the questions with a straight-up answer and own it.

Agree with this. My MIL did try to use what I said to then have a go at me if it was different to her cultural expectation. So take the things that mean nothing to you and answer those. For me saying I wasn't religious wouldn't matter to me. Even if the other person had something negative to say about that, I just wouldn't care. However if a topic is sensitive, then shut it down. Personally I wouldn't want to answer questions about my deceased parents. For me I would probably say 'why do you want to know' or 'I don't like discussing that' and change the conversation.

You could even turn it around by saying 'did you miss your children when you were away from them'. If they ask something 1000 times then perhaps "I feel like we have been through this. I'm taking 6 months off' or just keep saying "I'm taking 6 months off".

Don't let them get under your skin or make you question your choices. Do what's right for you and believe in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t ask those questions, but I don’t know that Ai’d classify them as random. At least they are a path to better understanding you. My MIL occasionally asks me really random questions about distant relatives of mine that she has never met and we don’t really socialize with. It’s a FB thing. My great aunt had her birthday and I posted on her wall. My MIL sees the post and notices a knickknack in the background of the photo so she messages me about it. Once she asked me if my DD’s biograndmom liked a certain cookbook.

Aside from the pregnancy weight question all the questions in the OP just sound like the MIL trying to get to know her DIL on a deeper level. Especially the stuff about asking about her dead parents. The MIL is trying to connect.

[Anonymous]

MY ILs try to ask some of these "deeper questions" but they are incapable of emotional intelligence. They will be talking about major, life-altering surgery one minute and then immediately switch to what's for dinner. I avoid engaging with them on anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MY ILs try to ask some of these "deeper questions" but they are incapable of emotional intelligence. They will be talking about major, life-altering surgery one minute and then immediately switch to what's for dinner. I avoid engaging with them on anything.

Did we marry into the same family???? My in-laws talk about food non-stop and it annoys the hell out of me---especially because they choose to gloss over more critical issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always find myself in these awkward situations with MIL or one of the aunts and sometimes even the cousins. They seem to ask these odd questions in the course of conversation that always make me pause and think hmmm that really isn't appropriate or just the WTF.

> Are you religious? How often do you go to church? Do you believe in God? -this is in line to order fast food on a joint road trip
> On the phone after we told MIL that we were expecting -How much weight have you gained? Are you afraid of getting fat?
> When I was working "Do you miss your children?" "Do you worry that someone else is raising your children?" or when I was wasn't working "Do you feel like you lost your identity" "What are going to do -like 1,000 times in six months when I already told them I was intentionally taking six months off.
> Lots of questions about my parents who are dead.

Perhaps, I'm just used to having friends and co-workers that talk about actual interesting things like current events or something that they did or experienced that might be interesting to others or even just the weather but seem to never ask weird, wring timing personal or prying questions.

They used to but don't anymore. It was usually my FIL and usually about religion and politics. After a few instances where things began to get heated, I told them that we were not going to agree, that i don't care if they liked our decision but we were asking them to respect it/accept it was made, and I didn't expect to discuss it again. To my shock, they have been pretty good about it. When they do inch into that territory, I leave the room. Literally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to answer these questions until I heard my cousin say “that’s none of you business” when confronted with these lines of questioning. It was remarkably effective.

I agree with this more than the other suggestions.

OP, I have seen ILs who ask so many questions about the side that is marrying in, and they seem like innocuous questions, until you realize the ILs effed up "family" dynamics, and how they were trying to compare the families. Ew.