Angry Mean Nasty Dementia

[Anonymous]

OP I so relate. I was actually almost started a thread about how embarrassed and upset I am by how my parents treat others let alone me, but didn't feel like dealing with the backlash. Yes, absolutely she must get evaluated and be prepared for her to refuse. I got lots of ideas online and from that helped. Also, talk to the doctor privately about psychotropic meds. They know how to bring up the topic in a way elderly can handle and not feel shame. Meds have helped in our case, but problem is they both feel they are fine and go off them. It's a world of difference when on, but the drug is not consistent and you still get breakthrough nasty and hurtful behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wish it were a situation where I could just "talk to the doctor." Oh how I wish. My mother goes to doctors constantly, in fact she doctor shops for every complaint under the sun. She has a new doctor every few weeks. Every phone call she tells me about a new bizarre symptom. She regularly fires her doctor(s) and then has a new parade of symptoms/syndromes that she feels have been ignored.

Also, she won't take any medication at all. She has vast paranoias about medications. She's like an anti-vaxxer.
She has very high blood pressure and has stopped taking medication for that. I think the dementia is caused by the BP. The whole situation is beyond belief.

I spend a couple hundred in tips for each visit.

[Anonymous]

Anger and loss of emotional control is often the first step in dementia.

[Anonymous]

A dementia diagnosis doesn’t always mean the person will be mean and angry. My relative with dementia caused by heart bypass surgery was completely the opposite: he was placid and sweet, always thanking anyone who did anything at all for him.

He couldn’t remember very much, but he was such a joy to be with in his final year. He radiated love to those around him during that time. It was sad, obviously, that he had lost so much of his past and his memories of his friends and family,
but it was a consolation to his family that he seemed to be happy.

I don’t know why it affects people differently, but it definitely does.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe no more in public with mom.

[Anonymous]

Rarely does dementia cause sweetness of personality. Irritability, loss of emotional self control, anger, and aggressiveness are the (unfortunate) usual signs. It’s a very difficult time. RN here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish it were a situation where I could just "talk to the doctor." Oh how I wish. My mother goes to doctors constantly, in fact she doctor shops for every complaint under the sun. She has a new doctor every few weeks. Every phone call she tells me about a new bizarre symptom. She regularly fires her doctor(s) and then has a new parade of symptoms/syndromes that she feels have been ignored.

Also, she won't take any medication at all. She has vast paranoias about medications. She's like an anti-vaxxer.
She has very high blood pressure and has stopped taking medication for that. I think the dementia is caused by the BP. The whole situation is beyond belief.

I spend a couple hundred in tips for each visit.

OP my heart goes out to you. i am the one who wrote I so relate. I would rant here about my own parents, but I posted this morning on health and medicine wondering if I was having a heart attack, reflux, gas or panic,. Dealing with them when all the other stresses in my life is the last straw. I can cope with a lot, but the amount of anger, paranoia, anxiety, etc I deal with from them just does me in. Someone on here many months ago said she had to stop trying to protect her parents from themselves and just focus on protecting the world from them (e.g. making sure they are safe to drive). I have needed to do that to some degree.

I refuse to do this to my kids. I will have clear DNR directives. If I get cancer past a certain age I will opt for palliative. I will monitor my brain yearly after a certain age with cognitive testing, etc and if I go from say mild to moderate Alz. I will fly somewhere it is legal to end it. First I will take the fam on a big trip and I shall eat all.the.desserts since I never eat sugar. Then I shall go on my terms. I do not want to do in the health of everyone around me and I refuse to turn into an anger, bitter and paranoid person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She just sounds like a mean old woman. Experience speaking here, if she had dementia you would know it, my 85 year old mother has denentia and there is no way she could travel alone or even put a whole conversation together to make him cry. Sure she says mean things and is paranoid, but it is surrounded by such nonesense there is no way to actually be offended.

Not true, my MIL had early onset and we didn't know it. We knew something was off but thought it was something else and not dementia.

What was off?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for what you are going through and what your mom is going through. We've experienced two different things with our parents. DH's father was an all around great guy, sweet and kind. Dementia changed him into an angry, unhappy, mean person. It was so difficult to watch and deal with. We kept the kids away from him near the end so that their memories of him would not be changed.

When my mom, who was always fairly uptight and critical of others, developed dementia she became so much less stressed about the things that she used to harp on and was easier to be around.

Either way it's difficult to watch your parents change. There are support groups--both in person and online. Please consider joining one. It really helped us.

[Anonymous]

Everyone's sorry you're going through this, but what you have to do is take charge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just sounds like a mean old woman. Experience speaking here, if she had dementia you would know it, my 85 year old mother has denentia and there is no way she could travel alone or even put a whole conversation together to make him cry. Sure she says mean things and is paranoid, but it is surrounded by such nonesense there is no way to actually be offended.

I don't know, there are a lot of different types of dementia and they manifest differently at different stages. For my loved one, periods of paranoia and rage are definitely part of it (though not usually involving strangers).

OP, don't forget that caring for someone with dementia is mostly awful. I don't at all mean to diminish either the awfulness or the (sometimes many!) moments of grace. But it just really is awful. It's like being in a car wreck every day. You have to accept that and care for yourself as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking from the heart, and with much compassion -- your duty, if any, is to her safety first and foremost, and to her happiness as you are able. If your presence does not relieve her nastiness, cruelty, and rudeness, and all her other associated unhappiness, then your presence is not benefit to her -- only a burden to you.

Do the best you can. Prioritize safety. If something you are doing *for* happiness does not lead to happiness, the there is no duty to keep doing it.

+1

Well said. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make other people happy, if they don't want to be happy, OP. I agree she should cut down on traveling.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op. When I go visit my mom with ALZ in the nursing home, I just apologize to every caregiver, CNA, dietary aide etc. that I see. She was always mean and nasty and racist, but now there is no filter at all. It breaks my heart that she is also mean and nasty to my dad, who devoted 65 years of his life to doing everything she ever wanted.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you doing? Any update on your mom?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for asking. She has had two significant falls, one in which she broke her hip, that led to hospitalizations. These hospitalizations forced her into taking BP medication. She was just recently released from the hospital and they wanted her in some kind of assisted living but of course she refused to go. She's back in her apartment and I hope she's maintaining her medication. She continues to be a real holy terror.